Ethan glanced down at the fingers of his left hand and grimaced.
“What’s going on?” I asked. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was growing. Ethan was looking at his left hand as if it didn’t belong to him.
“Maybe you should talk some more.” Faith suggested.
“I don’t want to,” Ethan said, his voice was still oddly calm.
“Part of you does,” Faith said as she nodded towards his left hand. He opened his fingers and slid them down my wrist, across my palm, and entwined them with my fingers. I watched Ethan look at his hand as if he weren’t sure whose it was, shake his head, and glance back at me. He slowly winked his right eye, leaving it closed while he looked at me with his left. His thumb started stroking the outside of my hand.
“What’s going on?” I asked timidly. I was about as confused as I could get and didn’t really know what I should do or say, so I just stood there like a moron. I watched Ethan’s throat bob as he swallowed hard. He seemed as though he was going to say something, but he shook his head again instead, closing both eyes and looking away from me.
“He’s conflicted,” Faith said.
“I don’t understand,” I whispered.
“Part of me wants you to leave,” Ethan said, his tone still flat and emotionless. “I know, logically, that this isn’t going to work. Logical thought is in the left side of your brain, the same place as language, which is why I’m telling you to leave.”
“But you feel for her, Ethan.” Faith took his right hand off the doorknob and held it. “Otherwise, your right brain wouldn’t be showing you that you want to hold on to her. You need to talk to her, Ethan. That’s what you are telling yourself.”
My stomach knotted up. Did I understand this correctly? Half of Ethan wanted me to go, but the other half wanted me to stay? He seemed so torn, and it ate me up inside. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and do whatever I could to help him resolve the conflict that lay inside, but I didn’t know if I should. I was the reason for his conflict. It was my fault he was so confused. I didn’t understand what Faith was trying to say though. Part of him wanted me to leave—that was obvious—but some other side apparently didn’t want me to go. I didn’t know what to make of it.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “I don’t understand…”
“Faith, I don’t think I can do this.” Ethan looked over to her, and I saw tears in his eyes. “I want to say…but I don’t…I don’t know how to say it…”
“I know, Ethan. It’s okay.” Faith ran her fingers up his arm and back down again. It was a gentle, sisterly touch, which didn’t evoke any of the jealousy I had felt when Sheila had touched him on our first date. Faith turned to look at me. “Ashlyn, you understand that Ethan’s brain doesn’t work the same as everyone else’s, right?”
“He told me,” I said with a nod. “The right and left sides don’t talk to each other.”
“Exactly,” Faith said. “Sometimes, the logical parts of our brains don’t agree with the emotional parts. For you and me, we work it out on the inside and come to a conclusion that involves both logic and emotion. Ethan can’t do that on the inside. The only way his emotional side can communicate with his logical side is through the left side of his body. His left hand is holding on to you because he has an emotional attachment to you, but the logical part doesn’t agree. Language is in the left side of the brain—so whatever his logical side thinks is what he says.”
“Faith, you don’t have to explain all of this to her,” Ethan said. “I’m too fucked up for this. It was the same last time. I just can’t be with anyone, obviously. I’m damaged and embarrassing.”
Chapter 19—Chances
“Ethan?” I tightened my grip around his fingers, and he looked down at our joined hands. He continued to trace his thumb over my hand. “It wasn’t you; it was me. I just…I was caught off guard. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about you, but that’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the one who’s messed up in the head, E
than, not you.”
Ethan looked from me to our hands and then to Faith and her hand on his shoulder. She took a slight step back and let go of him at the same time, nodding her head towards me.
“You want to, Ethan.”
“Please, Ethan.” I took both his hands in mine. “Please give me another chance.”
Ethan tilted his head down and a little to the side, first focusing on me with his right eye and then with the left. I bit down on my lip and held my breath.
“But I’m embarrassing,” Ethan said again, his voice cracking a little.
“No, Ethan. No, you aren’t.” I couldn’t help the tears that started to fall down my cheeks again. I wondered if I could get dehydrated from crying so much. My words came out all smashed together and probably only barely understandable through my sobs. “You are wonderful and beautiful and intelligent, and I love being with you and reading to you, and there is no way in hell I deserve another chance after what I did, but please, please give me one.”
Ethan’s lower lip disappeared behind his teeth as I tentatively reached out and slipped my fingers into the palm of his right hand. My heart was pounding against my ribs, and I wondered if he could actually hear it. Ethan’s gaze darted around for a moment before finally settling back on mine.
“You would introduce me to your friends?” His voice was soft. “You would tell people about me without being ashamed of me?”
“Yes,” I said. “And I wasn’t ashamed of you, Ethan…ever. It’s me I’m ashamed of. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I want to be with you,” he said in a voice that barely counted as a whisper. “It felt so right when we were together. I know I want to be with you but only if you want me enough to tell people who I am to you. If not…”