Regardless of desire, I was not going to have sex with her when that mustache was waving around on the ground floor just below us.
The very thought of Henry and my own unpreparedness would have been enough to send me over the edge, but combine that with the understanding that Mayra only said this because she was frightened was far, far too much.
Her fingers against my jaw became electric, and I felt as if I was shocked right off the bed. I fell onto the floor and conked my head on the wood slats. Prying open my eyes, I was met with a vision of a pair of dirty blue socks just beneath the bed’s dust ruffle.
“No…no…can’t…wouldn’t be…don’t know…no…no…”
My limbs acted on their own, quickly propelling me across the room until my back hit the door to her closet. My body began to shake, and my rapid heartbeat threatened to move right out of my chest and into one of the residence halls on campus. Finding my way into the corner between the back wall of the room and the closet, I huddled. I didn’t even fight it as my mind started to close in around me, shielding me from everything outside. I knew I couldn’t deal with this, so I let the panic take me.
Part of retreating inside of myself was extraordinarily comforting. Everything around me would just disappear as my mind would shut down to keep at bay all the thoughts that threatened to overwhelm me. If only I could also keep out the physical reactions at the same time—the pounding of my heart and the difficulty getting enough air into my lungs—then it wouldn’t really be bad at all.
Of course, were that the case, I might not bother to come out of it.
Through my choked breaths, I vaguely registered Mayra’s voice. I couldn’t make out the words, but I knew she was talking to me. There was something she was trying to tell me—something she wanted me to do—but I had pushed it away from my conscious mind.
A distinct ache in my shoulders crept up my neck, and I wondered how long I had been punching the bag. Something wasn’t quite right, though, because I was sitting in an uncomfortable position and was not sprawled out on my bed or the couch like I usually was after a long workout. I realized my head was against my knees, and my legs were drawn up tightly against my chest.
Shit, shit, shit.
The moments leading up to my attack came back to me, a little slower than the first time but almost as strong. Mayra curled her hand into the hair right above my ear, and she stroked my jaw.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she whispered again and again.
“I…I…I can’t, Mayra!” I stammered. “You’re just scared! I don’t…I don’t want to just because you’re scared!”
She moved her arms around my head and pulled me against her shoulder. My body resisted at first, but I was calmed enough by her scent to let my forehead drop against her. With her hands in my hair, she just whispered “Shh” over and over for a few minutes.
Eventually my breathing slowed, and my heartbeat returned to its more natural rhythm. Once my own body calmed, I realized how agitated Mayra was and looked up to her tear-streaked face and cringed, knowing I was responsible.
“You’re scared,” I whispered.
“I want to do it,” Mayra insisted.
“Not because you’re scared.” I shook my head, running my cheek on the top of her arm. “I don’t want it to be like that.”
“That’s not the reason,” Mayra said.
My gaze met hers briefly, and I narrowed my eyes. Mayra sighed.
“It’s not the only reason.”
“Your dad is right downstairs…”
“I didn’t mean right now,” Mayra said with another sigh. “I guess I should know better by now than to spring things on you like that. I just never know what will upset you. When we were…in the alley…I couldn’t even think past trying to scream, but you took on all four of them. You looked so…I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were so angry,” she said quietly, “but calm at the same time. As soon as you...as soon as you pulled him off me, and Mark let go…I just looked at you and knew everything was going to be okay again. You were completely in control. That’s when I just fell apart, I guess. I knew it was safe to do so.”
She reached under my chin and tilted my head up a little. I didn’t quite meet her eyes, but I came close.
“How could you be so calm with all of that happening?”
“I don’t know,” I said with a shrug. “It’s all kind of a blur. I couldn’t let them hurt you.”
At some point, we left the floor by Mayra’s closet and crawled back onto her bed, completely exhausted. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her close to me, wondering how we managed to switch roles so quickly again, I now the caregiver and she the recipient. Mayra let out a long, slow breath before curling into my chest and closing her eyes. The grey light from the overcast morning penetrated the thin curtains hanging over her window, casting soft shadows around her shoulders.
“Have you ever thought about it?” Mayra’s quiet voice floated over the blankets.