“For bagels?”
“Yeah. She’s actually in the next building right now, finishing up her last class of the day. She just texted me. Class is over in about fifteen minutes.”
Eating with someone means I can avoid conversation by having food in my mouth, but it also means some conversation is expected, and talking to people is draining. Every sentence is a change. My arms feel heavy at the thought, and I wonder if I’ll even be able to lift a bagel to my mouth. Images of myself sitting at one of the tables outside the bagel shop, unable to eat because I can’t lift a small, round sandwich course through my head, and I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.
“No pressure, Roc. It just seems like you got along with her last weekend.”
“Yeah, she’s okay.” I don’t talk about my trepidation. Cree already knows, but he also likes hearing me voice my consent. “I don’t mind.”
“Shall I have her meet us outside?”
“I need a shower.”
“You want her to come here?”
“Here? In my room?” A woman in my little dorm room. That would be a new one. What would she think?
“Well, yeah. Only if you’re okay with it.”
“You’re the only one who’s been in here.”
“Do you want to keep it that way?” Cree asks.
“I don’t know.”
“Move forward.”
I glance at him. His words aren’t a command or a request but more of a suggestion. I know he doesn’t mean the position of my body, either, but rather a more general sense of moving forward in life, but I’m not ready for this kind of move.
“No.”
“Okay.” He gives me a lopsided smile. “I’ll tell her to wait for us outside.”
Cree is a good guy, and he’s going to make a great therapist someday. This new girl of his seems pretty nice as well. Though she’s still a stranger to me, I don’t feel that sense of judgment I usually get from people, and I wonder just what Cree has told her.
I glance at him as my chest tightens; then I immediately rela
x. Cree has always kept my past to himself, and I don’t think he’d be any different just because he’s getting laid.
“Can we tie first?” I ask. “Just a little?”
“All right with me,” Cree says. “Not for long, though, and for the love of God, shower first. Please.”
He laughs, and I smile slightly.
“Okay.”
By the time I’m finished with my shower, Cree has his rope out and is ready to go. I kneel on the floor in the middle of the room, and within a couple of minutes, he has me wrapped in ropes. It’s not as much as I might want to have, but it’s enough. It’s enough to get me there.
Subspace.
This is it. This is the feeling I crave. This floaty, warm, mind-numbing, silent, ambivalent, senseless sensation of being nothing...of letting go...of being in a world where nothing can get to me. Nothing can reach me; nothing can cause me pain. This is the only time I feel at peace.
And it is far too brief.
Cree’s voice brings me out of my silent escape. He’s already started to untie me, and I feel the deep sense of loss as he tells me we have to leave.
I’m still numb as I dress and follow Cree out into the quad where Kas is waiting. She smiles and greets us, but I don’t respond. I have no voice. Kas doesn’t seem to mind, and I follow them both to the bagel shop where I eat in continued silence.