“You think?”
“I do.” He tilts his head. “That is, if you can let go of the selfishness.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You are going at this thinking about you and how he reacts to you, not how he’s feeling. You are looking for typical reactions because that’s what suits you. Stop it. Let go of how you want him to make you feel.”
I open my mouth to protest, but I know he’s right.
“You can do it.” Cree gives me a pat on the shoulder. I pull away slightly, narrowing my eyes at him, and he holds his hands up apologetically. He knows I don’t want him to touch me.
I take a deep breath and head back over to Rocco.
Rocco keeps his focus on the blanket below him as I sit down and face him.
“Maybe we should talk a bit more,” I say. Immediately I realize this isn’t the right approach. “I mean, let me talk. You can just listen if you want. If you have something you want to say, that’s okay, too.”
“Sorry,” Rocco says quietly. He doesn’t look up.
“Sorry about what?”
“I freaked.” He shrugs and curls into himself some more.
Rocco thinks he screwed something up? I pause as this realization coincides with Cree’s words, and I feel like I just walked straight into a door. I do need to think more about Rocco than I do about myself if this relationship is to have any chance at all, and I can’t do that until I get to know him better.
“I need to learn more about you,” I say. “I’m going to have to understand what you want and what you need from me, and that’s...that’s going to take a little time. That’s okay. I mean, I’m not a patient person at all, but I’m willing to try.”
“You want to try again?” He finally looks up at me.
“Yeah. Sure.”
“But I fucked it up.”
“No, you didn’t.” I reach out, wanting to put a hand on his leg but not sure if I should or not, so I stop short. “I moved too fast. I made you uncomfortable, and I’m the one who should apologize.”
He looks away again, his brow furrowed.
“I know how much rope means to you. I told you what I get out of it, but I know it’s something else to you, and you still need that. I want to be your friend, Rocco. Even if it doesn’t work out between us in other ways, I promise I will still tie you when Cree isn’t available.”
Rocco sits up straighter, finally looking me in the eyes.
“Is this not working?” he asks.
“Honestly, Rocco, I have no idea. I know how I feel about it—I really like tying you. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. You, though...you are impossible to read.”
“I...I’m not good at talking.”
“I get that. I’m not asking you to give me a five-hundred-word essay every time you open your mouth, but a little indication of how you’re feeling would be good. I know you got uncomfortable when I touched your legs, but I didn’t understand what would make it better, so I just stopped.”
“I wasn’t...uncomfortable.”
“You weren’t?”
“No. It was just...unexpected.”
“What was?”
Rocco looks away, and I can see panic in his face as his cheeks flush red.