Twelve of Roses

Only eight other cars sat in the dimly lit parking lot, which was a letdown because it limited that night’s selection. After easing my Camry in a space beside a large pickup, I took a second to get my thoughts in order before getting out.

There was exactly seventy-two dollars and fifteen cents in my bank account. One Hungry-Man was in the freezer, and a loaf of bread I could push one more day past its expiration date was sitting on my counter.

I might not have been able to pay the gas bill that month, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t getting myself another strong-ass drink.

My heels were soundless, moving across the dirt parking lot. As I got closer to the entrance of the bar, I could hear a Joan Jett song, raunchy laughter, and a few different conversations. The familiar stench of cigarette smoke lingered right inside the dark entryway where a No Smoking sign hung. I smiled to myself at someone's minor act of rebellion.

The interior of Gooskis looked just like I thought it would. There was a horseshoe bar, neon signs, posters, a few beer banners, and lace panties hung all over the grungy walls. Seeing that the bartender was occupied, I made my way to a booth, scanning the room as I went. A few people were playing a round of pool, a couple sat at the bar, and everyone else was seated at a table.

Tucking my dress, I slid across the leather bench and examined the scuffed wooden tabletop.

“I’ll be right with you, sweetie.” A blonde slid a plastic menu in front of me that had definitely seen better days and waltzed off, leaving behind the smell of cheap perfume.

While assessing the cleanliness of the dive so I knew what and what not to order, I couldn’t help but contemplate my life. I was at an establishment where the taps might not be safe and the beer lines dirty.

Things could have been so much different for me if I’d been a better person. I wouldn’t be in this dump, that was for sure. Some may think I was running from the past, but nothing could be further from the truth. In all honesty, I was saving my ass from the consequences of my actions.

I was a magnet for the reprehensible. Not a single soul in the room knew the kind of havoc that always seemed to surround me or the utter chaos that used to be my life.

My past was centered around one man I had no business falling for. Four years later, and everything still came back to him.

He was always in my head, refusing to vacate my heart. I thought I would mourn him forever, because time never healed the hurt. It just made it easier to live with. It allowed scar tissue to form over the painful memories.

After losing family after family the way I had, you’d think he would be another dead body on the list. At the end of the line, though, he had meant more to me than anyone else. It was his demons that didn’t play well with mine. He put me through hell, and I called it love. My skewed devotion was something he had molded with his bare hands.

I was desperate to reinvent myself in this new town with these new people who had no idea who I was. Like a chameleon, I wanted to blend in.

First step?

Separating the old me from this new me.

Chapter Two

Past

I was leaving the hick town of Ponty-Poole first chance I got.

Life was simple enough here, and I enjoyed living with my grandpa, but there had to be more than trying to work at the local grocery store and raising a family. Plus, people rode around on tractors here. It was like a modern day Little House on the Prairie—minus the gaudy clothing.

I was two weeks into my last ever summer vacation, and trying to figure out what to do with my life was at the forefront of my brain. I was already planning for a shitty senior year. My best friend, Darcy, was forced to move over twenty hours away the day school let out.

That was an automatic default to the dreaded loner status for me. I mean, I had those ‘friends’ that were more like decent acquaintances, but for the most part, I was a hermit.

Tonight was a rare occasion.

I was willingly going outside without dragging my feet. Good thing Grandpa wasn’t present. If he saw this phenomenon, he might have a heart attack.

Ever since I came to live with him, he’d been trying to make his only grandchild somewhat sociable. He always encouraged me to go outside, make some new friends, and even suggested I find a nice boy to occupy my time with. But I didn’t want to do any of that.