Yes, she’d been jealous that morning. The woman at the café was tall and strikingly gorgeous. She hated seeing her write his name and wink when she gave him his order on the house.
Maggie was short and the farthest thing from glamorous. She couldn’t compete with women like that and didn’t understand how she’d landed in some sort of mental competition in the first place. The only thing that made it better was realizing she completely misjudged the situation and they were cousins.
She shook her head. That wasn’t the point. This had nothing to do with his beautiful cousin. They were neighbors. They barely knew each other. And she was, and would always be, too in love with her husband to care for anyone else. It wasn’t fair to date someone knowing they’d always be second choice.
Her head lowered. “It doesn’t matter if I was jealous or not.”
“It does to me.”
She narrowed her eyes and looked up at him. “Do you get jealous?”
“Of course. Everyone does on occasion.”
“Then why the hell would you want to get involved with someone who’s in love with someone else?”
His expression blanked and he eased back. “I’m not threatened by your love for him. He was your husband.”
“Right. He was also my soulmate, Ryan. Those parts you’re searching for, I already gave them away. And God doesn’t give us backups.”
“You really believe that? You think this is the rest of your life, living alone in a house where his clothes still hang by the door?”
She stiffened, startled that he’d noticed such personal details. And feeling slightly judged, despite the non-judgmental look in his eyes.
She didn’t know what she thought, because she never got past thinking of Nash. But if this was all she saw in her future, why was she wasting her time and money going to therapy? Was she kidding herself with this new sense of progress? Maybe the reality was she’d never be healed.
“I don’t know what I think.” She looked into his eyes, wishing she had the answers he wanted. “All I know is that I’m really messed up in here.” She pointed to her heart. “I want to be better, but it’s a battle I fight every day, knowing how much easier it would be to just give up.”
“Don’t give up. I won’t let you.”
Her gaze lowered and she sniffled. “You have no idea how difficult it is to have no control over your life. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I had a plan. I used to have goals and dreams. Everything lost its meaning when he died—including me.”
“You have meaning. He was just one part of you. Figuring out how to live without him doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the things you shared. No one will ever replace him, Maggie. No one wants to.”
She lifted her stare. “How are you so understanding?”
“I have a very overbearing mother.”
She laughed, wondering if that was any sort of explanation or just something he needed to get off his chest. “I hardly ever talk to my family anymore.”
“Did they do something?”
“They love me, and I can’t bear it.” At least her sister did. Her parents were more complicated. “My perception gets confused. Sometimes their love feels like judgement and I’m so consumed with guilt, I have no energy left to defend my feelings, so I just push them away.” She honestly didn’t know if she had become overly sensitive or if they had lost their patience with her.
His brow knit. “Maybe we can work on that.”
“There is no we.” Her head and her heart were at war, and she was stuck in the middle. The things he asked of her were too difficult.
“Okay.” He brushed the backs of his knuckles along her jaw. Despite her conflicting thoughts, she shut her eyes and leaned into the caress.
It would be so easy to give in if she could just shut off the gnawing guilt eating away at her insides. But it wasn’t just the guilt. Beyond culpability hid a great deal of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of loss. Fear of more grief when she was already carrying too much to bear.
He took a step back, as if showing her he’d give her room to breathe. “What do you say we go back to painting and leave this for another day?”
“Okay.”
He smiled and wrapped his hand around hers. Once again, his touch brought the overwhelming sense that she was safe.
Chapter 14
The clerk dropped the receipt into the bag and handed it to Maggie. “Have a nice day.”
Outside of McGinty’s, she withdrew her purchase and tossed the trash in a receptacle. This might end horribly. Or it could go the total opposite direction. She was trying something new so all she could do was hope for the best.
Straddling her bike, she pulled out her cell phone, searching for the Bluetooth setting that would synchronize her music with the new wireless headphones. Well, not her music. Her music hurt too much. She was trying different music—older music.