The Doctor Who Has No Closure (Soulless 10)

“I mean romantically. I’m not looking for a commitment, now or ever, so I would never get involved with someone like her—a really good person who deserves the best—if I knowingly can’t give it to her. That’s not the kind of guy I am.” Vince totally betrayed her recently, and after going through something so delicate, I knew she was fragile right now.

Dad turned away and looked ahead, quiet.

We’d had deep talks about women before I got married, but he’d never encouraged me to have a relationship before. He just asked how I was doing, if I was seeing anyone, stuff like that. But now, he had a very specific agenda, which was odd for him.

“Hmm.” He rubbed his hands together, deep in thought.

I’d never heard him say anything like that before, so I turned to look at him. “Hmm, what?”

“Just ironic, is all.”

“What’s ironic?” I asked.

He took his sweet-ass time answering. “When I moved to New York, I’d just gotten divorced. I was eager to move on from the past, to start over. And getting married again? Forget it. I just wanted to fuck around.”

I’d never heard Dad talk about his past like that. The only woman he ever talked about was my mom. It was like there had never been anyone before. That was technically true, because no woman had ever infiltrated his heart until her.

“I was a handsome and rich bachelor, and I did exactly what handsome and rich bachelors did. But then I met your mom, and…I felt it.”

“Felt what?”

“You know what I’m talking about. The kind of peace that happens when you find someone completely compatible with you, someone you care so much about that there’s not really a way to describe it. But I ignored it and ignored it…because I refused to even entertain the idea of stepping outside my comfort zone. Then she dated Tucker—”

“Whoa, what? Mom and Uncle Tucker?”

“Yes, but it was short-lived, and I didn’t like it. That’s not the point of the story. Uncle Tucker told me she dumped him because she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, and he basically told me just to go for it. You know what I said?”

I shrugged. “You asked her to marry you? I don’t know.”

“I said that I just got divorced and I wasn’t interested in anything serious ever again. I got burned bad. Just like you, I had someone take half of everything I worked for, and it left such a bad taste in my mouth. I chose to pretend there was nothing between us, even though there clearly was. And I let that go on for a long time.”

“Then what happened?”

“She left me.” He turned to me, slightly somber. “She couldn’t work for me anymore, so she assigned someone else to take over. When I stopped seeing her, I realized I didn’t miss her because of all the stuff she did for me, but I missed her for her. I realized if I didn’t get my shit together, I would lose her altogether.”

I’d never heard this story, so I was totally entranced. “Then what happened?”

“I went to her apartment and told her I wanted to be with her.”

“And then bow chicka bow wow…”

Dad smiled at my crude assumption. “Yeah, pretty much.”

I nudged him in the side. “That’s a pretty romantic story, Dad.”

“And it reminds me of yours.”

My smile faded away. “Just because that happened with you and Mom doesn’t mean that’s my story with Sicily. I don’t think she’s the one—”

“I didn’t say the stories were identical. I just mean, you’re unwilling to try because of the past. Don’t be unwilling to try. Don’t be committed to bachelorhood because your marriage didn’t work out. If you like her, ask her out. Go for it. See where it goes.”

I stared at the Christmas tree for a while, listening to family members talk excitedly like we hadn’t been together for several days now. Somehow, we were never sick of each other. “I’m just not ready, Dad. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her, and I’m not going to turn her into a guinea pig. You have to remember you were in a loveless marriage, trapped because Derek’s mom was—”

“Derek’s mom is your mom, son.”

“You know what I mean. You weren’t in a happy marriage. But I was…”

He watched me, his eyes softening.

“I really loved Catherine, with everything I had. It wasn’t like a relationship that slowly deteriorated and we grew apart, so the end wasn’t a surprise. It was really abrupt, unexpected, and then it happened…and it was over. I’ve spent so many nights wondering if one thing had been different…would everything be different. If Allen didn’t have a heart problem, would I be sitting here with her, our kids playing under the tree, thinking about how lucky I am?” I took a deep breath as the pain hit my chest, grabbed my heart, and made me lose control of my faculties for just a moment.