“I…I don’t want you to touch my heart.”
This was so hard, to watch this little person well up with tears because she was afraid. A grown person was scared to be put under and then carved into with a knife, let alone a child. It was impossible not to form an attachment to her, not to care about her like she was my own daughter. If things hadn’t changed, I might have a newborn right now, a little girl who got scared too. I’d always wanted to be a father, but I’d really begun to fantasize about it when Catherine and I started trying to conceive, and I hoped that I would be a father like my own, that I would raise a tough girl and a gentle boy. “Ginny, I’m going to fix your heart. I’m going to close it up, and once I do, you’re going to feel so much better. You know how it hurts to breathe?”
She nodded.
“That will go away. You’ll be able to breathe normally again.”
“No…I don’t want to do it.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her parents rubbing her back and trying to support her.
This surgery had to happen whether we had her consent or not, but the patient’s state of mind had a dramatic impact on their recovery. Being afraid and scared would halt her healing. It was important for me to get her to believe that everything would be alright. “Ginny, I’ve done this operation on hundreds of kids. I’ve gone to other countries and treated little boys and girls who can’t reach a doctor. I’m one of the top doctors in the world because I have the most experience, the most education, and I care about every single patient. I can be completely honest with you and say that I’ve helped every single kid I’ve treated, that they were able to run with the other kids on the playground, sleep well through the night, and take a deep breath because of me. Every. Single. Kid.”
“Are you lying?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I promise that you will be alright.” I never made promises like that, but I did to her, and I was going to keep it.
“Ginny, I was born with a hole in my heart.” Sicily hadn’t taken any notes because it’d been nothing but conversation up until that point. “I wasn’t even a year old yet when I had the surgery, so I can’t really remember it. But that doctor saved my life, and look at me now, I’m a very happy grown-up.”
Ginny seemed to take more comfort in what Sicily said than what I said, but she did eventually look at me again, this time a lot braver than before. “You promise?”
I nodded. “I promise, sweetheart.”
Ginny stayed in the lobby with her mother while I talked to the father about the specifics and the intensity of the surgery. Absolutely no reason to put Ginny through that, to discuss the extent of potential damage there could be. I didn’t want her to know that I would stop her heart and put her on bypass.
She wouldn’t understand, and if she did understand, she would have a meltdown.
When the appointment was over, we shook hands and he left.
Sicily finished typing her notes before she set the computer down and walked over to me on the couch. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, looking down at me. “You did great, Dex.”
I stared at the paperwork on the coffee table, all Ginny’s lab work and imaging. She was the first patient of the day, and it felt like five o’clock already.
Sicily’s hand moved to my shoulder, and she gave me a squeeze.
Without thinking twice about it, I placed my hand on hers and squeezed it back, my eyes still down, taking comfort in the only person who truly understood what my life was like, what my work was like, the kind of stress I had every single day.
The touch lingered, and I didn’t let go.
Neither did she.
A knock sounded on the door, and then Andrea poked her head inside. “Ginny wanted to say goodbye.” She opened the door wider, and Ginny walked in with her mom.
My hand left Sicily’s, and I watched Ginny move around the other couch and walk toward me, still shorter than me even when I was sitting. She was a petite little girl, like a Barbie doll. “Thank you for putting your trust in me, sweetheart.”
Unexpectedly, she moved into my chest and hugged me.
I stilled at the affection, feeling this little person hold on to me, the way I used to hold on to my dad when I was little.
Sicily watched us together, her eyes packed with emotion, a gentle whisper coming from her lips. “Aww…”
My arms encircled Ginny, and I held her against me, rubbing her back with my large palm which took up her entire frame. I could feel her relax against me, like she’d put her complete faith in me, like she literally trusted me with her life.