That's what he had told his mother, too, but she'd always been able to tell when he was lying and he hadn't fooled her for a minute.
"Why can you not see her?" Brenna asked.
"Why not?" he cried, his voice rising. "Why not? I'm a vampire, that's why not!"
Brenna shrugged. "Roshan is a vampire." Jimmy stared at her. "So?"
"So, he goes out and mingles with people and no one is the wiser. Can you not do that as well?"
Jimmy shook his head. "No. I saw Cathy soon after Mara brought me across. I looked at Cathy and all I could think of was how much I wanted to… " He looked at Roshan. "You know how it is, man. I don't trust myself to be alone with her."
The vampire nodded. "It is difficult, at first. But it grows easier, with time."
"We can't have a life together," Jimmy said dully. "She wants to get married, have kids. It's better to end it now before I… " He looked at the other vampire, his eyes filled with misery and bitter regret. "Before I kill her, too."
"You killed someone?" Brenna asked.
Jimmy nodded. "I didn't want to." He looked pleadingly at the other vampire. "You know how it is. I tried to stop, man, but I couldn't!"
Roshan nodded. Judging from the expression on Roshan's face, Jimmy knew the other vampire understood all too well.
"I've told you all I can," Roshan said. "The rest is up to you."
"I don't know what to do, man, where to go. I don't have a job. I'm almost out of money. How am I supposed to live?" He laughed, a short humorless laugh. "Live! That's a good one!"
"If you need money, you can find a job working nights."
Roshan said, annoyed by the boy's self-pity. "You can live your life as a vampire the same way you lived as a mortal, if that's what you want. Many humans work nights and sleep days. It's an adjustment you have to make. With time, the lust for blood becomes easier to control."
"I just feel so lost."
"Like everything else," Roshan said, not unkindly, "that will pass, in time." Reaching into his pocket, Roshan withdrew a couple of one hundred-dollar bills and placed them in Dugan's hand.
"Hey, man, I don't want your charity."
"Think of it as a loan. Between brothers."
"Thanks, man," Jimmy said, turning away before the vampire could see the tears of gratitude in his eyes. "I'll pay you back."
Deep in despair, Jimmy walked to his car and slid behind the wheel. He couldn't live like this any longer. He missed Cathy. He missed his mother and his old man. If there was any chance that he could be human again, he was prepared to take it, even if it meant seeing Anthony Loken one more time.
It might be risky to see the warlock again, but it was a risk he was willing to take.
CHAPTER 16
Brenna glanced out the rearview window as Roshan pulled onto the road. "Do you think he will be all right?"
"That's up to him."
"How can you not care what happens to him?" she asked, frowning.
"I can't play nursemaid to the world. If he listens to what I said, he'll be fine. If he doesn't… " He shrugged. "I've got all I can handle just worrying about you."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. He had saved her from a horrible death, had made love to her in the most tender, incredible manner, but it had never occurred to her that he worried about her. It was a nice feeling. No one had worried about her since her grandmother passed away.
"What if it is possible?" Brenna mused. "What if Loken really has found a way to make Jimmy mortal again?"
"It isn't possible," Roshan replied. "Being a vampire isn't a disease. You can't cure it like an infection."
"But what if you could? Would you not like to be mortal again?"
It was a question he had never truly considered. He had known the only cure for the Dark Trick was to willingly end his existence. He had accepted that fact and moved on. There was nothing to be gained in wishing for something that could never be. Now, he found himself pondering Brenna's question: what if? Did he want to be mortal again? Would he accept such a transformation if it was offered to him? What would it be like to walk in the sun's light after so many years of darkness, to enjoy a full-course meal in a fine restaurant, to live a normal life, father a child? As a vampire, such ordinary pursuits were forever out of reach. On the other hand, he didn't have to worry about sickness or disease, aging, dying, or any of the other ills that plagued humankind.
"Well?" Brenna prompted.
"I don't know." Would he willingly give up the supernatural powers that were second nature to him now? Being mortal meant being weak, vulnerable.
"I do not understand your hesitation," Brenna said.
"I doubt I could explain it to you. To be a vampire is both a curse and a blessing. In centuries past, we were hunted like animals, killed without compunction or regret. Since we were not considered human, it was assumed we had no feelings. Things have changed for the better, with time. Most people no longer believe in vampires, and so we live in the shadows of the night, careful to hide our true nature from the rest of the world."
"It still seems a lonely life to me," Brenna said. "What good is long life without love, without family, without children?"
Roshan nodded slowly. All that had been taken from him when Atiyana died, had been forever denied him when he succumbed to Zerena's dark kiss. He looked at Brenna, young and vibrant with life, her skin radiant with good health. He had made love to her last night, buried himself in her sweetness. Now, suddenly, it seemed like sacrilege that one such as he had dared to touch her, dared to hope he could love her and that she might love him in return. What right did he have to take pleasure in her embrace? What right did he have to defile her?
He thought of Jimmy Dugan. What if the boy was right? What if the warlock had found a way to return vampires to mortality? In his heart, Roshan was sure that such a thing was impossible, but what if he was wrong?
He looked at Brenna again and knew he would willingly give up his dark powers for the chance to share one lifetime in her arms.
The attraction that ever hummed between them grew stronger when they reached home. Brenna stood in the living room, shivering a little. She was about to spell the fire to life when Roshan did it with a wave of his hand.
She tensed as he came up behind her, acutely aware of his nearness as he slipped her coat off her shoulders and tossed it over the back of a chair. His breath fanned her cheek, his hands rested lightly on her shoulders, then slid down her arms. She shivered with pleasure at his touch, felt a sharp pang of regret when he moved away from her.