Lost & Found (Lost & Found 1)

A tear looked close to spilling from the corner of Josie’s eye, so I grabbed one of her hands and gave it a squeeze. She looked like she needed it.

“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry I asked. I just . . . I never guessed that was what happened.” Cheating had never crossed my mind when I’d wondered at the reasons for their break up.

“Jesse was leaving town for the weekend,” she began, shifting in her seat. “He was going to some cattleman’s conference in Missoula the same weekend of my brother’s twenty-first birthday party. Jesse was sorry he couldn’t make it, but he asked one of his good friends to keep a close eye on me and make sure I didn’t get into too much trouble.” Josie paused and bit her lip. She was worrying the hell out of the hem of her denim skirt. The poor girl was a wreck. “I had a lot to drink that night, more than usual, but I knew Jesse’s friend would make sure I didn’t pass out on the bathroom floor or go home with some random guy.” The first tear fell down her cheek. I felt so badly for Josie I wanted to hug her. “Turns out I just went home with him instead.” She wiped her eyes and let her hair fall around her face. “When I woke up the next morning, I knew I’d ruined everything I had with Jesse. I couldn’t lie to him about what had happened, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell him either. So,” Josie’s head fell even more, “his friend told him.”

I wasn’t only hurting for Josie, but I was hurting for Jesse, too. He’d been betrayed by someone who loved him. I knew how that kind of pain felt. I knew how it left a scar behind. I knew how it changed a person.

“Oh, God, Josie,” I breathed, letting her squeeze the hell out of my hand. I couldn’t believe that there, at a honky tonk, I’d just had a girl pour her heart out to me about how she’d ripped out the heart of the man I cared for. It made the world seem very small. “Who was it? Which friend of Jesse’s?” I’d only met a handful, most were ranch hands, but I wanted a name. The next time I saw him, he was getting hot coffee poured into his lap.

Her eyes flicked to mine, and I knew her answer before she said it. “Garth Black.”

“Come again?” That was all I had. Garth Black and Josie Gibson. Getting it on. It just didn’t equate.

“I had sex with Garth Black and have regretted it every single day since.”

“And you lost Jesse.” That was what I’d mourn the most.

She nodded, her eyes automatically drifting back to him.

“Do you miss him?”

Another nod, but that time she made herself look away from Jesse. “Every night when I find myself still anticipating his call to say goodnight. Every time I go to one of these things and I realize I’m not going with a date. God, Rowen. I miss him when I brush my teeth.” Her gaze shifted from her lap to my eyes. They held a strength that hadn’t been there just moments before. “But I know Jesse and I will never be together again. There’s too much bad history between us now. So I can either spend the rest of my life missing him . . . or I can move on.”

“Move on?” From Jesse Walker? I edited out because if she knew how to “move on” from him, mountains could be moved and pigs could fly.

“Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday,” she said. “I’m not going to waste my life longing for the guy-that-almost-was. I’m going to move on and find the guy-to-be.”

I knew she made it sound about a thousand times easier than it was, but for a young woman who’d lost a Jesse because she’d slept with a Garth, she had a good head on her shoulders.

“Okay, you don’t only give out life-changing moxie compliments, you also might be the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met,” I said, still dumbfounded. “You are officially my hero.”

Josie laughed, wiped the corners of her eyes one more time, and sat up straight. “Well, sometimes the lessons you learn remind you that you have to let your head run the show instead of your heart.”

And sometimes the opposite was true, as I was learning.

“I’m going to run outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry tonight, and look at me.” Josie waved her hands at her face. She still looked pretty damn perfect. “You going to be all right on your own for a few?”

“I’ll be great,” I assured her. “As soon as I’m done with this feast, I’m going to get out there and bust a move.”

“Sure you are.” Josie rolled her eyes as she stood up.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“I’m not tempting you,” she said, propping a hand on her hip. Her eyes gleamed. “I’m daring you.”

“What? Are we in sixth grade?” I called after her.

She waved over her shoulder. “See you on the dance floor, Move Buster.”

I grumbled into my soda can before taking a drink. I’d never backed down from a dare, and I wouldn’t start. I’d be on that dance floor before little Miss Sixth Grade got her daring butt back in there.

I was going in for my crispy chicken wing when I felt the air around me charge, like an electric storm was rolling in. The hair on my arms rose when I looked up. From across the room, Jesse’s eyes had locked in on me and, from the tilt of his brow, I couldn’t quite make out if that was pain or confusion lining his forehead. My wing dropped to my plate, and the air, the noise, the people, everything was sucked out of the room as he continued to stare at me.

It was the stuff people talked about. The love-at-first-sight mumbo jumbo I’d rolled my eyes at. That wasn’t our “first sight,” but I felt a lot of that other thing swirling around in places that had felt empty for so long, I’d forgotten I had them.

When that same little arm pawer dropped her hand on his other arm, Jesse’s gaze shifted her way. Suddenly, I could breathe again. That was, until I watched her smile up at him, pop up on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, then raise her eyebrows at him. I was back to being unable to breathe. My claws were out that time.

I didn’t know that girl from the one sitting across from me at the table, but I hated her. Like, raw, unadulterated hate. All because she was touching, whispering, and smiling at the guy I wanted to be touching, whispering to, and smiling at.

She was in my place because I’d let Garth Black pour poison in my ears. I couldn’t even remember what he’d said, or why I’d been so sure I needed to stay away from Jesse. Right then, all I could think about was being close to Jesse.

I was out of my seat and weaving through the dance floor before I even knew I’d done it. He wasn’t watching me anymore, but I was watching him. I couldn’t look away, and the closer I got, the more impossible looking away became.

He noticed me right before I stopped in front of him. The tight circle of girls around him didn’t budge, so I not-so-gently shouldered my way through them.

“Plenty of single guys around, ladies. No need to suffocate this one.” Of course I knew what they knew: there were other guys, but there was only one Jesse Walker. I grunted when one of them threw an elbow into my side as I pushed by. Damn. Those chicks were out for blood. I should have worn my steel-toed boots. I would have if I’d known I’d be entering a combat zone.

Once I made it through the main swarm of girls, I squared myself in front of Jesse and the bicep petter. “Hey. You.” She hadn’t noticed me because she had eyes for nothing but Jesse’s muscles. “You rub his arm any longer, you’re going to wear the skin right off. Go find yourself another cowboy to pet. I need to talk to this one.”

When she finally did look at me, I saw those county girls could make the same vicious expressions as the urban girls I was used to. Mental note made.

“Jesse,” she said in a syrupy voice, “you know this . . .” her eyes ran down me, her nose wrinkling as she took me in, “this . . . thing?”

My fists balled at my sides. I reminded myself to take a slow breath. She wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t heard before. She wasn’t saying anywhere close to the worst I’d heard before. I was winding up for my comeback when a white shirt angled in front of me.

“Bye, Shelby.” Jesse’s voice was cold and his shoulders were tensed. He was a tower in front of me, but when Shelby huffed, I couldn’t resist peeking my head out from behind him.

“Bye, Shelby.” I made my voice as syrupy as it would go and gave her an exaggerated wave.

Another vicious look, but she kept walking. For the most part, the rest of her fellow Jesse worshippers followed her.

I almost smiled, but that brick wall of a back turned around and those eyes of his made the whole inhaling and exhaling thing difficult.

“You came,” I said, stepping back because being so close to Jesse made my head light. Logical thought process became next to impossible to attain.

He lifted a shoulder, but that was the only response he gave me. Was Jesse Walker giving me the silent treatment?

“Are you having a good time?” I tried next, taking another half step back because I could still smell that soapy, shampooy scent of him, and that was messing with my head, too.

He lifted the other shoulder.

So yeah. Jesse Walker was giving me the silent treatment. I was probably the only person who could claim that honor.

“Are you going to talk to me, Jesse? Or are you going to communicate with me with shrugs the rest of the summer?” Might as well get down to business. I didn’t know how long Josie would be gone, and I needed to talk to Jesse. I had to clear the thick air between us.

He caught himself in the middle of another shrug. With a sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Rowen?” he asked, his voice tight. “I’ve been racking my head all damn week trying to figure out what to say to you when I saw you again, but I couldn’t think of anything. Obviously.” He wiggled his shoulder and gave me a small smile.

A small smile was a start. And he was communicating with me, real words and all. I’d take it. His gaze shifted, just over my shoulder, and those sky blue eyes went as black as they could go.

I didn’t need to look behind me. I knew a black felt hat was back there somewhere.

Jesse lifted his chin. “Garth’s over there if you want to dance with him.” I stepped back again from the ice in his tone.

“And what if I want to dance with you?” I said, managing to sound braver than I felt. “What if you do?” Still the ice, but I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t let him push me away so easily. I owed him an explanation, and I wasn’t leaving until he had it.

“Would you want to?” I asked. There was so much between the lines in that question, I almost winced just anticipating his answer.

“That depends.” His eyes continued to glare holes into the back or front of Garth. I wasn’t sure, and I wouldn’t look over my shoulder to find out. “Are you planning on having a little campout at Garth Black’s trailer tonight after you dance with me now?”

r looked close to spilling from the corner of Josie’s eye, so I grabbed one of her hands and gave it a squeeze. She looked like she needed it.

“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry I asked. I just . . . I never guessed that was what happened.” Cheating had never crossed my mind when I’d wondered at the reasons for their break up.

“Jesse was leaving town for the weekend,” she began, shifting in her seat. “He was going to some cattleman’s conference in Missoula the same weekend of my brother’s twenty-first birthday party. Jesse was sorry he couldn’t make it, but he asked one of his good friends to keep a close eye on me and make sure I didn’t get into too much trouble.” Josie paused and bit her lip. She was worrying the hell out of the hem of her denim skirt. The poor girl was a wreck. “I had a lot to drink that night, more than usual, but I knew Jesse’s friend would make sure I didn’t pass out on the bathroom floor or go home with some random guy.” The first tear fell down her cheek. I felt so badly for Josie I wanted to hug her. “Turns out I just went home with him instead.” She wiped her eyes and let her hair fall around her face. “When I woke up the next morning, I knew I’d ruined everything I had with Jesse. I couldn’t lie to him about what had happened, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell him either. So,” Josie’s head fell even more, “his friend told him.”

I wasn’t only hurting for Josie, but I was hurting for Jesse, too. He’d been betrayed by someone who loved him. I knew how that kind of pain felt. I knew how it left a scar behind. I knew how it changed a person.

“Oh, God, Josie,” I breathed, letting her squeeze the hell out of my hand. I couldn’t believe that there, at a honky tonk, I’d just had a girl pour her heart out to me about how she’d ripped out the heart of the man I cared for. It made the world seem very small. “Who was it? Which friend of Jesse’s?” I’d only met a handful, most were ranch hands, but I wanted a name. The next time I saw him, he was getting hot coffee poured into his lap.

Her eyes flicked to mine, and I knew her answer before she said it. “Garth Black.”

“Come again?” That was all I had. Garth Black and Josie Gibson. Getting it on. It just didn’t equate.

“I had sex with Garth Black and have regretted it every single day since.”

“And you lost Jesse.” That was what I’d mourn the most.

She nodded, her eyes automatically drifting back to him.

“Do you miss him?”

Another nod, but that time she made herself look away from Jesse. “Every night when I find myself still anticipating his call to say goodnight. Every time I go to one of these things and I realize I’m not going with a date. God, Rowen. I miss him when I brush my teeth.” Her gaze shifted from her lap to my eyes. They held a strength that hadn’t been there just moments before. “But I know Jesse and I will never be together again. There’s too much bad history between us now. So I can either spend the rest of my life missing him . . . or I can move on.”

“Move on?” From Jesse Walker? I edited out because if she knew how to “move on” from him, mountains could be moved and pigs could fly.

“Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday,” she said. “I’m not going to waste my life longing for the guy-that-almost-was. I’m going to move on and find the guy-to-be.”

I knew she made it sound about a thousand times easier than it was, but for a young woman who’d lost a Jesse because she’d slept with a Garth, she had a good head on her shoulders.

“Okay, you don’t only give out life-changing moxie compliments, you also might be the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met,” I said, still dumbfounded. “You are officially my hero.”

Josie laughed, wiped the corners of her eyes one more time, and sat up straight. “Well, sometimes the lessons you learn remind you that you have to let your head run the show instead of your heart.”

And sometimes the opposite was true, as I was learning.

“I’m going to run outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry tonight, and look at me.” Josie waved her hands at her face. She still looked pretty damn perfect. “You going to be all right on your own for a few?”

“I’ll be great,” I assured her. “As soon as I’m done with this feast, I’m going to get out there and bust a move.”

“Sure you are.” Josie rolled her eyes as she stood up.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“I’m not tempting you,” she said, propping a hand on her hip. Her eyes gleamed. “I’m daring you.”

“What? Are we in sixth grade?” I called after her.

She waved over her shoulder. “See you on the dance floor, Move Buster.”

I grumbled into my soda can before taking a drink. I’d never backed down from a dare, and I wouldn’t start. I’d be on that dance floor before little Miss Sixth Grade got her daring butt back in there.

I was going in for my crispy chicken wing when I felt the air around me charge, like an electric storm was rolling in. The hair on my arms rose when I looked up. From across the room, Jesse’s eyes had locked in on me and, from the tilt of his brow, I couldn’t quite make out if that was pain or confusion lining his forehead. My wing dropped to my plate, and the air, the noise, the people, everything was sucked out of the room as he continued to stare at me.

It was the stuff people talked about. The love-at-first-sight mumbo jumbo I’d rolled my eyes at. That wasn’t our “first sight,” but I felt a lot of that other thing swirling around in places that had felt empty for so long, I’d forgotten I had them.

When that same little arm pawer dropped her hand on his other arm, Jesse’s gaze shifted her way. Suddenly, I could breathe again. That was, until I watched her smile up at him, pop up on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, then raise her eyebrows at him. I was back to being unable to breathe. My claws were out that time.

I didn’t know that girl from the one sitting across from me at the table, but I hated her. Like, raw, unadulterated hate. All because she was touching, whispering, and smiling at the guy I wanted to be touching, whispering to, and smiling at.

She was in my place because I’d let Garth Black pour poison in my ears. I couldn’t even remember what he’d said, or why I’d been so sure I needed to stay away from Jesse. Right then, all I could think about was being close to Jesse.

I was out of my seat and weaving through the dance floor before I even knew I’d done it. He wasn’t watching me anymore, but I was watching him. I couldn’t look away, and the closer I got, the more impossible looking away became.

He noticed me right before I stopped in front of him. The tight circle of girls around him didn’t budge, so I not-so-gently shouldered my way through them.

“Plenty of single guys around, ladies. No need to suffocate this one.” Of course I knew what they knew: there were other guys, but there was only one Jesse Walker. I grunted when one of them threw an elbow into my side as I pushed by. Damn. Those chicks were out for blood. I should have worn my steel-toed boots. I would have if I’d known I’d be entering a combat zone.

Once I made it through the main swarm of girls, I squared myself in front of Jesse and the bicep petter. “Hey. You.” She hadn’t noticed me because she had eyes for nothing but Jesse’s muscles. “You rub his arm any longer, you’re going to wear the skin right off. Go find yourself another cowboy to pet. I need to talk to this one.”

When she finally did look at me, I saw those county girls could make the same vicious expressions as the urban girls I was used to. Mental note made.

“Jesse,” she said in a syrupy voice, “you know this . . .” her eyes ran down me, her nose wrinkling as she took me in, “this . . . thing?”

My fists balled at my sides. I reminded myself to take a slow breath. She wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t heard before. She wasn’t saying anywhere close to the worst I’d heard before. I was winding up for my comeback when a white shirt angled in front of me.

“Bye, Shelby.” Jesse’s voice was cold and his shoulders were tensed. He was a tower in front of me, but when Shelby huffed, I couldn’t resist peeking my head out from behind him.

“Bye, Shelby.” I made my voice as syrupy as it would go and gave her an exaggerated wave.

Another vicious look, but she kept walking. For the most part, the rest of her fellow Jesse worshippers followed her.

I almost smiled, but that brick wall of a back turned around and those eyes of his made the whole inhaling and exhaling thing difficult.

“You came,” I said, stepping back because being so close to Jesse made my head light. Logical thought process became next to impossible to attain.

He lifted a shoulder, but that was the only response he gave me. Was Jesse Walker giving me the silent treatment?

“Are you having a good time?” I tried next, taking another half step back because I could still smell that soapy, shampooy scent of him, and that was messing with my head, too.

He lifted the other shoulder.

So yeah. Jesse Walker was giving me the silent treatment. I was probably the only person who could claim that honor.

“Are you going to talk to me, Jesse? Or are you going to communicate with me with shrugs the rest of the summer?” Might as well get down to business. I didn’t know how long Josie would be gone, and I needed to talk to Jesse. I had to clear the thick air between us.

He caught himself in the middle of another shrug. With a sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Rowen?” he asked, his voice tight. “I’ve been racking my head all damn week trying to figure out what to say to you when I saw you again, but I couldn’t think of anything. Obviously.” He wiggled his shoulder and gave me a small smile.

A small smile was a start. And he was communicating with me, real words and all. I’d take it. His gaze shifted, just over my shoulder, and those sky blue eyes went as black as they could go.

I didn’t need to look behind me. I knew a black felt hat was back there somewhere.

Jesse lifted his chin. “Garth’s over there if you want to dance with him.” I stepped back again from the ice in his tone.

“And what if I want to dance with you?” I said, managing to sound braver than I felt. “What if you do?” Still the ice, but I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t let him push me away so easily. I owed him an explanation, and I wasn’t leaving until he had it.

“Would you want to?” I asked. There was so much between the lines in that question, I almost winced just anticipating his answer.

“That depends.” His eyes continued to glare holes into the back or front of Garth. I wasn’t sure, and I wouldn’t look over my shoulder to find out. “Are you planning on having a little campout at Garth Black’s trailer tonight after you dance with me now?”