“What’s the matter with you, boy? Dumb as you look? Or do you know that I’m right and you’re going to do nothing but drag this girl down with you?”
“Mar. Leave.” I motioned toward the door, keeping one eye on Jesse.
He was still frozen, but he blinked a couple of times like he was trying to clear his vision. When he stopped blinking and saw that Mar was still hovering in front of him, he shoved out of the seat so fast he was a blur. His eyes dropped from Mar as he lunged away from her, keeping as much distance as he could. He headed for the door.
“Jesse!” I called, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He was in another world, and even I couldn’t get through to him. “Jesse, stop!” He shoved through the door and broke into a run the instant he was outside.
“Jesse? Is that his name?”
I nodded automatically, biting my lip. Tears were already welling. I had no idea what had happened or how to make it right.
Mar huffed. “Small world. I had a son named Jesse. He was just as worthless as your Jesse, so I suppose we’ve got something in common.”
My breath caught at the same time my legs wobbled. Something hit me with such force, I almost fell to my knees. Something, so intense I had to wrap my arms around my stomach, told me why Jesse had just behaved the way he had.
“Mar? How old is your son?” I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the spot where Jesse had just been because I couldn’t look at her.
“Hell if I know. I got rid of him years ago,” she snapped.
Bile rose up my throat. I felt the chunks of maple bar begging to come out. I had to grip the edge of the table to keep from going down. Oh my god. What had I done? “How old was he when you . . . when you . . .”—I couldn’t make myself repeat her words—“ . . . saw him last?”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Mar’s head start to bob. “Five years old.”
That was when I lost it. My dinner, the tears I’d been holding back, my composure, my strength. I lost it all right there on the floor of Mojo Doughnuts.
Chapter Eighteen
I’D KNOWN DARKNESS in my life. That though, that was something else completely.
After Sid peeled me off the floor at Mojo, he had to hold me back. As soon as I saw Mar’s face, my strength surged into my muscles ten times over. I suppose it was a good thing Sid held me back. If I had gotten my hands on Mar, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop. I didn’t know the finer details of the abuse Jesse underwent as a young boy, but I knew enough to know that people who’d done those things to him should be serving life sentences or rotting away in an unmarked grave. My fists wanted to deal out a sentence right then, but after shrieking that I’d been possessed by the dark man—or some crazy other shit—Mar scurried out of Mojo.
I knew she didn’t have a clue why I’d transformed into a wild person wanting to wrap my fingers around her neck. She didn’t know the young man she’d insulted was the baby she’d given birth to twenty years ago. I knew that when she’d looked into his eyes, the same flicker of recognition that flashed in Jesse’s wasn’t in hers. She hadn’t even known the flesh and blood she’d abused was right in front of her. That right there, that she’d already forgotten the face of the person who’d never be able to forget her face, sent me over the edge. That was when Sid almost lost his hold on me.
Once Mar was gone, I calmed down, although not a lot. After telling Sid an emergency had come up and I needed to cut out early, I grabbed my purse and phone and called Jesse. I must have called him close to a hundred times with no answer. As soon as his voice mail picked up, I hit redial. I did that the entire bike ride back to my apartment. I knew it was unlikely he’d be there, but at least I could ditch my bike and borrow Alex’s El Camino for my search.
I tried to keep my mind focused on the ride, avoiding potholes, and getting a hold of Jesse, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mar. I couldn’t comprehend how the minuscule chance of running into my boyfriend’s abusive birth mother—who, by the way, was a homeless lunatic—had worked its way into my life. I tried to steer clear of those thoughts, but I couldn’t help feeling like wherever I went, bad shit followed. How else could I explain what had happened?
A coincidence?
A small world?
Not even. It had happened because the nasty things of the universe were attracted to me. Even though my views on myself might have changed, that didn’t mean what followed me had. I’d brought that on Jesse because I was . . . cursed. I brought it on him because I’d let someone I knew nothing about into my life, and I’d given her a front row seat to the intimate, special pieces of it. I’d opened up too much and, like Jesse had said, it was just as unhealthy as the other way around. But my error hadn’t hurt me the way it had hurt him. I felt like a mini wrecking ball was going to work on my insides—one bone at a time, one organ right after the other—but I knew after witnessing the look on Jesse’s face, my pain was nothing compared to his.
I’d been crushed. He’d been ruined.
As I pedaled into my apartment complex, I tried to push all thought from my mind. All the regret, the what-ifs, and what-nows. I needed to focus on finding Jesse. That was all that mattered. Finding him and offering him whatever comfort he’d accept from me at that point. I didn’t bother to lock up my bike. I just rushed to the door, fumbling around for my keys.
The door swung open before I could get my key in the lock. Alex pulled me inside, looking frantic. “Oh, god, Rowen. I was just getting ready to call you. Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just got home a few minutes ago. The front door was open, so I thought maybe someone had broken in.” My heart was in my throat as Alex and I rushed through the apartment. “I was checking all the rooms, all the closets . . . and that’s when I found him.”
“Is he still here? Where’s Jesse?”
Alex’s head bobbed as she pointed down the hallway. “In your room. Something’s wrong, Rowen. He isn’t saying anything. I don’t think he even knew I was in front of him when I found him. I was about to call 911.”
“I got this, Alex. Thank you.” I gave her a quick side hug before running down the hallway.
“What’s wrong, Rowen? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain later,” I said because, even if I knew how to fully explain it all right then, which I didn’t, there wasn’t time. I needed to get to Jesse. I needed to know if the damage I’d unwillingly inflicted could ever be undone.
I paused just long enough outside my bedroom door to suck in a deep breath. I knew I would need it, and I didn’t know when I’d be able to breathe deeply again. Stepping inside, I didn’t need to scan the room to find him. My eyes found him like they were trained to find nothing else. What I saw made me wish I’d never been born with the gift of sight. I would swear that going through life blind would be better than having to live with that image of Jesse.
He was pressed into the back corner of my room, his back fitted tightly into it. His head was curled into his bent knees, and his arms were limp at his sides. He wasn’t moving. The only sign of life was the infinitesimal rising and falling of his back.
“Jesse?” I took a hesitant step forward. He didn’t move. There was no response. Wherever Jesse was, I needed to work my way into that place. I couldn’t let him be alone. “Jesse, it’s me. Rowen.”
Still nothing.
Choking back a sob, I unglued my feet and rushed to him. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to my touch, or if he’d react to it at all, but I had to put my arms around him. I had to hold him like he’d held me so many times, almost like he was holding me together. I crouched down beside him and scooted into the corner until my body was pressed into the side of his. Slowly, I wound my arms around him and drew him close. It was hard to describe, because he was still six-foot and two hundred pounds of muscle and bone, but somehow Jesse felt . . . frail. For the first time and what I hoped would be the last time. There were lapses of momentary weakness, and then there was frail. Like one gust of wind could blow him away from me.
“Jesse. Come back to me.” I was trembling from keeping my emotions contained. “Please. I love you. You’re safe. Just . . . come back to me. I need you.” A sob sneaked out at the last part and another was about to when Jesse’s body flinched.
“Rowen,” he whispered as one arm circled me.
His whole body was so tense it looked as if some of his muscles were about to burst through the skin, but I sighed in relief at that one word. It was to date, and probably for every date forward, the most incredible sound I’d ever heard. Jesse was back. Wherever he’d gone, whatever dark place he’d been trapped in, he was back.
“Oh my god, are you okay? Wait. Stupid question.” Tucking my chin over his head, I held him close and rocked him in my arms. “What can I do? What do you need?” I didn’t know what to say, and in my loss of knowing exactly what to say, I ended up unable to shut up.
“Just this.” His head was still curled into his knees, but his body relaxed little by little with every passing second. The more he relaxed, the tighter my arms went. When his head finally lifted, his gaze shifted my way. His eyes didn’t give away that he’d been crying, but they did look different. Almost . . . hollow. Void. I would have preferred to see devastation or rage. “I shouldn’t have run off like that. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice was strained, almost raspy, like each word was a fight to form.
I whipped my head from side to side. “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one who needs to apologize. I’m the one who’s going to need to apologize to you for the rest of my life.” I fitted my hand to his face, touching my thumb to the corner of his lips. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I f**ked up. I f**ked up big time. I had no idea that . . . that woman . . . was your birth mother.”
“Don’t use that word. Please don’t use that word.” I must have looked confused. “That woman was never a mother to me. She never showed an ounce of love, or compassion, or nurturing. She doesn’t deserve that title. Even with ‘birth’ preceding it.”
I stared at the most incredible man in the world. A man who’d showed me unparalleled love, who was hard working, respected, and had a heart bigger than the giant state he lived in. I stared at an exceptional man who’d been hurt by awful people. The unfairness of it all made me so mad I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit it until my knuckles bled and my tears were gone. I knew the laws of the spherical mass we lived on; I knew them because I’d tried to break just about every one and failed. I knew the rule was that life wasn’t fair and one was a fool to expect it, but the Jesse Walkers of the world should have been the exception. People who were so good they didn’t seem like they were of our world shouldn’t have been punished by the heinous rules of it.
o;What’s the matter with you, boy? Dumb as you look? Or do you know that I’m right and you’re going to do nothing but drag this girl down with you?”
“Mar. Leave.” I motioned toward the door, keeping one eye on Jesse.
He was still frozen, but he blinked a couple of times like he was trying to clear his vision. When he stopped blinking and saw that Mar was still hovering in front of him, he shoved out of the seat so fast he was a blur. His eyes dropped from Mar as he lunged away from her, keeping as much distance as he could. He headed for the door.
“Jesse!” I called, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He was in another world, and even I couldn’t get through to him. “Jesse, stop!” He shoved through the door and broke into a run the instant he was outside.
“Jesse? Is that his name?”
I nodded automatically, biting my lip. Tears were already welling. I had no idea what had happened or how to make it right.
Mar huffed. “Small world. I had a son named Jesse. He was just as worthless as your Jesse, so I suppose we’ve got something in common.”
My breath caught at the same time my legs wobbled. Something hit me with such force, I almost fell to my knees. Something, so intense I had to wrap my arms around my stomach, told me why Jesse had just behaved the way he had.
“Mar? How old is your son?” I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the spot where Jesse had just been because I couldn’t look at her.
“Hell if I know. I got rid of him years ago,” she snapped.
Bile rose up my throat. I felt the chunks of maple bar begging to come out. I had to grip the edge of the table to keep from going down. Oh my god. What had I done? “How old was he when you . . . when you . . .”—I couldn’t make myself repeat her words—“ . . . saw him last?”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Mar’s head start to bob. “Five years old.”
That was when I lost it. My dinner, the tears I’d been holding back, my composure, my strength. I lost it all right there on the floor of Mojo Doughnuts.
Chapter Eighteen
I’D KNOWN DARKNESS in my life. That though, that was something else completely.
After Sid peeled me off the floor at Mojo, he had to hold me back. As soon as I saw Mar’s face, my strength surged into my muscles ten times over. I suppose it was a good thing Sid held me back. If I had gotten my hands on Mar, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop. I didn’t know the finer details of the abuse Jesse underwent as a young boy, but I knew enough to know that people who’d done those things to him should be serving life sentences or rotting away in an unmarked grave. My fists wanted to deal out a sentence right then, but after shrieking that I’d been possessed by the dark man—or some crazy other shit—Mar scurried out of Mojo.
I knew she didn’t have a clue why I’d transformed into a wild person wanting to wrap my fingers around her neck. She didn’t know the young man she’d insulted was the baby she’d given birth to twenty years ago. I knew that when she’d looked into his eyes, the same flicker of recognition that flashed in Jesse’s wasn’t in hers. She hadn’t even known the flesh and blood she’d abused was right in front of her. That right there, that she’d already forgotten the face of the person who’d never be able to forget her face, sent me over the edge. That was when Sid almost lost his hold on me.
Once Mar was gone, I calmed down, although not a lot. After telling Sid an emergency had come up and I needed to cut out early, I grabbed my purse and phone and called Jesse. I must have called him close to a hundred times with no answer. As soon as his voice mail picked up, I hit redial. I did that the entire bike ride back to my apartment. I knew it was unlikely he’d be there, but at least I could ditch my bike and borrow Alex’s El Camino for my search.
I tried to keep my mind focused on the ride, avoiding potholes, and getting a hold of Jesse, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mar. I couldn’t comprehend how the minuscule chance of running into my boyfriend’s abusive birth mother—who, by the way, was a homeless lunatic—had worked its way into my life. I tried to steer clear of those thoughts, but I couldn’t help feeling like wherever I went, bad shit followed. How else could I explain what had happened?
A coincidence?
A small world?
Not even. It had happened because the nasty things of the universe were attracted to me. Even though my views on myself might have changed, that didn’t mean what followed me had. I’d brought that on Jesse because I was . . . cursed. I brought it on him because I’d let someone I knew nothing about into my life, and I’d given her a front row seat to the intimate, special pieces of it. I’d opened up too much and, like Jesse had said, it was just as unhealthy as the other way around. But my error hadn’t hurt me the way it had hurt him. I felt like a mini wrecking ball was going to work on my insides—one bone at a time, one organ right after the other—but I knew after witnessing the look on Jesse’s face, my pain was nothing compared to his.
I’d been crushed. He’d been ruined.
As I pedaled into my apartment complex, I tried to push all thought from my mind. All the regret, the what-ifs, and what-nows. I needed to focus on finding Jesse. That was all that mattered. Finding him and offering him whatever comfort he’d accept from me at that point. I didn’t bother to lock up my bike. I just rushed to the door, fumbling around for my keys.
The door swung open before I could get my key in the lock. Alex pulled me inside, looking frantic. “Oh, god, Rowen. I was just getting ready to call you. Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just got home a few minutes ago. The front door was open, so I thought maybe someone had broken in.” My heart was in my throat as Alex and I rushed through the apartment. “I was checking all the rooms, all the closets . . . and that’s when I found him.”
“Is he still here? Where’s Jesse?”
Alex’s head bobbed as she pointed down the hallway. “In your room. Something’s wrong, Rowen. He isn’t saying anything. I don’t think he even knew I was in front of him when I found him. I was about to call 911.”
“I got this, Alex. Thank you.” I gave her a quick side hug before running down the hallway.
“What’s wrong, Rowen? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain later,” I said because, even if I knew how to fully explain it all right then, which I didn’t, there wasn’t time. I needed to get to Jesse. I needed to know if the damage I’d unwillingly inflicted could ever be undone.
I paused just long enough outside my bedroom door to suck in a deep breath. I knew I would need it, and I didn’t know when I’d be able to breathe deeply again. Stepping inside, I didn’t need to scan the room to find him. My eyes found him like they were trained to find nothing else. What I saw made me wish I’d never been born with the gift of sight. I would swear that going through life blind would be better than having to live with that image of Jesse.
He was pressed into the back corner of my room, his back fitted tightly into it. His head was curled into his bent knees, and his arms were limp at his sides. He wasn’t moving. The only sign of life was the infinitesimal rising and falling of his back.
“Jesse?” I took a hesitant step forward. He didn’t move. There was no response. Wherever Jesse was, I needed to work my way into that place. I couldn’t let him be alone. “Jesse, it’s me. Rowen.”
Still nothing.
Choking back a sob, I unglued my feet and rushed to him. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to my touch, or if he’d react to it at all, but I had to put my arms around him. I had to hold him like he’d held me so many times, almost like he was holding me together. I crouched down beside him and scooted into the corner until my body was pressed into the side of his. Slowly, I wound my arms around him and drew him close. It was hard to describe, because he was still six-foot and two hundred pounds of muscle and bone, but somehow Jesse felt . . . frail. For the first time and what I hoped would be the last time. There were lapses of momentary weakness, and then there was frail. Like one gust of wind could blow him away from me.
“Jesse. Come back to me.” I was trembling from keeping my emotions contained. “Please. I love you. You’re safe. Just . . . come back to me. I need you.” A sob sneaked out at the last part and another was about to when Jesse’s body flinched.
“Rowen,” he whispered as one arm circled me.
His whole body was so tense it looked as if some of his muscles were about to burst through the skin, but I sighed in relief at that one word. It was to date, and probably for every date forward, the most incredible sound I’d ever heard. Jesse was back. Wherever he’d gone, whatever dark place he’d been trapped in, he was back.
“Oh my god, are you okay? Wait. Stupid question.” Tucking my chin over his head, I held him close and rocked him in my arms. “What can I do? What do you need?” I didn’t know what to say, and in my loss of knowing exactly what to say, I ended up unable to shut up.
“Just this.” His head was still curled into his knees, but his body relaxed little by little with every passing second. The more he relaxed, the tighter my arms went. When his head finally lifted, his gaze shifted my way. His eyes didn’t give away that he’d been crying, but they did look different. Almost . . . hollow. Void. I would have preferred to see devastation or rage. “I shouldn’t have run off like that. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice was strained, almost raspy, like each word was a fight to form.
I whipped my head from side to side. “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one who needs to apologize. I’m the one who’s going to need to apologize to you for the rest of my life.” I fitted my hand to his face, touching my thumb to the corner of his lips. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I f**ked up. I f**ked up big time. I had no idea that . . . that woman . . . was your birth mother.”
“Don’t use that word. Please don’t use that word.” I must have looked confused. “That woman was never a mother to me. She never showed an ounce of love, or compassion, or nurturing. She doesn’t deserve that title. Even with ‘birth’ preceding it.”
I stared at the most incredible man in the world. A man who’d showed me unparalleled love, who was hard working, respected, and had a heart bigger than the giant state he lived in. I stared at an exceptional man who’d been hurt by awful people. The unfairness of it all made me so mad I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit it until my knuckles bled and my tears were gone. I knew the laws of the spherical mass we lived on; I knew them because I’d tried to break just about every one and failed. I knew the rule was that life wasn’t fair and one was a fool to expect it, but the Jesse Walkers of the world should have been the exception. People who were so good they didn’t seem like they were of our world shouldn’t have been punished by the heinous rules of it.