Near and Far (Lost & Found 2)

“Garth, I’m starting to believe you don’t have the full picture of what happened. Did you even hear the rumors? Because, for once, they’re not an exaggeration. Hell, you were the one who had to pack me home on your horse after I lost it. I messed up. I lost it. I f**ked up.” That conversation was heading south fast, but I couldn’t take another sip of that beer. It was only making a bad situation worse.

“I don’t know much about these kinds of things,” Garth started, his voice a few notes quieter. “But it seems like you don’t fall out of love with someone because of their f**k ups. It seems like if you really love someone, you love them in spite of their f**k ups.”

Those words hit me like a punch to the stomach. Actually, they hit me like each word was a punch to the stomach, every one hitting me that much harder. What Garth said hit me not because I’d never heard it before, but because I’d believed exactly that. To know if I really loved someone, the test was not in loving them during the good times, but during the bad times.

That was the way I loved Rowen, and that was the way I knew she’d at one time loved me.

“You think I’ve still got a chance?” It was a fool’s hope, but I didn’t mind being a fool if that’s what it took to get a little hope back in my life.

Garth leaned toward me, a twisted smile moving into place. “There’s only one way to find out.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

I FOUND THE strangest thing when I was cleaning out my bedroom. Actually, it had been buried in the back of my closet, inside one of the steel-toed boots I used to wear every day. I had the day off last Saturday, and that meant a mine field of thinking about Jesse all day. So I’d decided to clean my room, top to bottom.

After throwing all of my shoes out of the closet, I’d noticed something bounce out of my boot. I had to crawl over to see what it was because it was so small. It was a button, a small round white one with three holes. Nothing fancy or elaborate. It could have been from a man’s or a woman’s garment. Even though I tossed it into the garbage at first, I went and dug it out right after. As if that wasn’t mental enough, I actually slid it inside my pillow case.

I had been sleeping on it for the past week. It was a button. A two-cent, non-descript button . . . and I felt some kind of a connection with it. If that wasn’t an indicator of how much I missed Jesse and how our break up had affected me in the cranial region, I didn’t know what was.

After working the night shift at Mojo, I was biking my way back to the apartment, feeling like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I’d hardly been able to sleep for a month straight. Every time I lay down, my mind began racing and I couldn’t fall asleep. It was a vicious cycle.

Once I’d made it home and alive in one piece, I locked up my bike, unlocked my apartment door, and stumbled inside. Alex had the night off, and that usually meant she was out living it up somewhere in the city, so I didn’t expect to find the lights on and two people sitting at our dining table.

“Man, Rowen.” Alex stood and shot me a wink. “How many hot cowboys do you know?”

“One,” I answered instantly.

“Aw. I missed you too, sweetheart.”

If I hadn’t felt so deprived of all things Willow Springs, I probably would have rolled my eyes and tossed another insult his way, but instead I crossed the room, kneeled, and wrapped my arms around Garth. He felt solid; he felt like home.

“Um, yeah . . . Are you okay?” Garth patted my back stiffly and cleared his throat.

“Just keep your mouth closed, let me hug you for a little longer, and then I’ll be temporarily okay,” I replied, inhaling the scent of his dark shirt. It smelled like the laundry soap I’d used countless times in the laundry room at Willow Springs. Garth continued to pat me awkwardly, but he managed to stay quiet as I soaked in a few more moments of Willow Springs. I rubbed my arm over my eyes before pulling away. “How long have you been here?”

“A couple of hours or so.”

I settled into the chair Alex had just been sitting in. The shock of seeing him was over, and the questions started. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check out your apartment. Check out the city. See if it’s a place I could live.” Garth’s eyes flicked around the apartment.

“Garth Black, you’d be more comfortable living on Venus than in Seattle.”

His smile stretched wide. “Yes, I think I would.”

I waited, but after a few seconds, I couldn’t wait anymore. Patience wasn’t a strong point of mine. “Are you going to tell me the real reason you’re here, or am I to assume you’ve been kicked off of Willow Springs and need a place to crash?”

“I just might after this . . .”

“After what?” The man was infuriating.

“I’ll let you two talk. I’ll head over to Sid’s for the night.” Alex grabbed her purse, waved, and took one last longing look at Garth.

“Nice meeting you, Alex.”

“Nice meeting you, Garth.”

“Thanks for your help. And the coffee.” Garth lifted his cup.

Alex stopped in the doorway. “You know where to find me if you need any more coffee. Or help.”

“Alex,” I snapped. “Left hand. Ring finger. Sid. Bye-bye.”

She blew me a kiss before closing the door behind her.

Alone together, the air became very thick. Garth and I couldn’t seem to figure out what to say next.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“I’m all right.”

“When was the last time you ate? Dinner? That was over eight hours ago, and I know from experience you guys are ready to devour a refrigerator if you don’t get fed every six hours.”

“Actually, the last time I ate was lunch. I left Willow Springs an hour or so before dinner.”

“Lunch?! Okay, you really need to eat.” I headed for the fridge and moved things around to see what we had.

“Don’t bother, Rowen. Really. I’m good.”

“But you are not a good liar because I can hear your stomach grumbling from here.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited for him. His expression and body language looked more uncomfortable than when I’d hugged him.

“Garth. It’s a meal and, judging from the contents of our fridge, not a very fancy one. It’s not a favor, a bribe, a handout, or something you’ll have to repay one day.” Grabbing hold of the cheese and butter, I lifted them. “It’s a toasted cheese sandwich.”

Garth shifted in the chair. “It’s never just a toasted cheese sandwich.”

I slammed the fridge closed and grabbed the bread. “You’re right. It’s a toasted cheese sandwich and a little human decency.”

“Decency? Human decency? That’s an oxymoron, right?”

I groaned. “Fine. How about this? I’m going to make two sandwiches. One for myself and one for whoever else in the room might want to have one.” If there was one thing about Willow Springs I hadn’t missed, it was Garth driving me nuts. “Now that food is out of the way, why are you here, Garth?”

“The question isn’t why I’m here, the question is why you are.”

I stopped slicing the cheese. “I live here?” I knew he was getting at something else.

“I thought you were in college over here. Isn’t that supposed to help make you smarter?”

“Black,” I warned through my teeth as I turned on the burner. “I know what you’re getting at, and that’s not something I’m going to talk with you about.”

“Yeah, Jesse didn’t want to either, but I didn’t give a shit then and I don’t give a shit now. Because he’s in misery and you’re in misery and you’re making everyone around you miserable.”

I slammed the fry pan onto the burner about five times harder than necessary. “I’m not making anyone else miserable.”

Garth huffed. “I just sat here talking with your roommate for over an hour. Believe me, you’re making her miserable.”

“Fine. Yes, I’m miserable. I’m not trying to make people around me the same, but I suppose it’s possible it’s been spilling over lately.”

“It’s definitely been spilling over,” Garth added.

“What do you expect? You know about all of the shit I heaped on Jesse. I’m guessing if you talked with him, you know he basically told me to leave and never come back. What else, besides misery, would you like me to feel?” I focused on buttering the bread to keep from looking at him.

“I’m not here to try to convince you that you didn’t screw up with Jesse, and I’m not going to deny he screwed up with you, too. I’m here because I can’t figure out for shit why the two of you would rather say good-bye to the good thing you had going instead of working it out and moving on.”

I slapped the sandwiches into the pan, then leaned into the counter. “He doesn’t want me anymore, Garth. He hasn’t called once in close to a month.”

“Bullshit. Try again.”

“There’s no way he could move on from the things I did, inadvertent or not, this year.”

“Bull. Shit.”

“Is that your new favorite word or something? Got anything different?” I snapped before flipping the sizzling sandwiches.

“Not when I’m surrounded by so much of it.”

“He’s better off without me.” I finally spun around to look him in the eyes. “You and I both know that, Garth.”

A second passed by. Then another. Finally, Garth opened his mouth. “Bullshit.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. The profanities and topic were overwhelming me.

“What else have you got for me? I can keep this up all night long.”

After plating the sandwiches, I turned off the burner and dropped the two plates on the table. Garth eyed his but didn’t touch it. I sighed, then bit into mine as I sat. “I don’t know, Garth. It just feels like things shouldn’t be this hard. I feel like we’re fighting nature or something being together. Nothing for Jesse and me, nothing, has come easy.”

I was bracing myself for another Bullshit when Garth twisted to face me. “Do you really want easy to be the standard by which you measure a relationship?”

If I hadn’t been staring at Garth, I wouldn’t have believed those words had just come from his mouth. When it came to giving relationship advice, I’d guessed Garth had about as much to offer as an amoeba. I’d been wrong.

“Um . . . no.” I set my sandwich down, feeling a little stunned. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“Good answer.”

After a little more deliberation, I asked, “Why are you doing this? Why do you give a shit? You know I think you’re a decent guy, but you’re not exactly the kind who gives a shit.”

Garth’s gaze lowered. “I ruined one of Jesse’s relationships. I’m not going to watch another be ruined if I can do something to stop it.” He paused to clear his throat. “After this, we’re even.”

o;Garth, I’m starting to believe you don’t have the full picture of what happened. Did you even hear the rumors? Because, for once, they’re not an exaggeration. Hell, you were the one who had to pack me home on your horse after I lost it. I messed up. I lost it. I f**ked up.” That conversation was heading south fast, but I couldn’t take another sip of that beer. It was only making a bad situation worse.

“I don’t know much about these kinds of things,” Garth started, his voice a few notes quieter. “But it seems like you don’t fall out of love with someone because of their f**k ups. It seems like if you really love someone, you love them in spite of their f**k ups.”

Those words hit me like a punch to the stomach. Actually, they hit me like each word was a punch to the stomach, every one hitting me that much harder. What Garth said hit me not because I’d never heard it before, but because I’d believed exactly that. To know if I really loved someone, the test was not in loving them during the good times, but during the bad times.

That was the way I loved Rowen, and that was the way I knew she’d at one time loved me.

“You think I’ve still got a chance?” It was a fool’s hope, but I didn’t mind being a fool if that’s what it took to get a little hope back in my life.

Garth leaned toward me, a twisted smile moving into place. “There’s only one way to find out.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

I FOUND THE strangest thing when I was cleaning out my bedroom. Actually, it had been buried in the back of my closet, inside one of the steel-toed boots I used to wear every day. I had the day off last Saturday, and that meant a mine field of thinking about Jesse all day. So I’d decided to clean my room, top to bottom.

After throwing all of my shoes out of the closet, I’d noticed something bounce out of my boot. I had to crawl over to see what it was because it was so small. It was a button, a small round white one with three holes. Nothing fancy or elaborate. It could have been from a man’s or a woman’s garment. Even though I tossed it into the garbage at first, I went and dug it out right after. As if that wasn’t mental enough, I actually slid it inside my pillow case.

I had been sleeping on it for the past week. It was a button. A two-cent, non-descript button . . . and I felt some kind of a connection with it. If that wasn’t an indicator of how much I missed Jesse and how our break up had affected me in the cranial region, I didn’t know what was.

After working the night shift at Mojo, I was biking my way back to the apartment, feeling like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I’d hardly been able to sleep for a month straight. Every time I lay down, my mind began racing and I couldn’t fall asleep. It was a vicious cycle.

Once I’d made it home and alive in one piece, I locked up my bike, unlocked my apartment door, and stumbled inside. Alex had the night off, and that usually meant she was out living it up somewhere in the city, so I didn’t expect to find the lights on and two people sitting at our dining table.

“Man, Rowen.” Alex stood and shot me a wink. “How many hot cowboys do you know?”

“One,” I answered instantly.

“Aw. I missed you too, sweetheart.”

If I hadn’t felt so deprived of all things Willow Springs, I probably would have rolled my eyes and tossed another insult his way, but instead I crossed the room, kneeled, and wrapped my arms around Garth. He felt solid; he felt like home.

“Um, yeah . . . Are you okay?” Garth patted my back stiffly and cleared his throat.

“Just keep your mouth closed, let me hug you for a little longer, and then I’ll be temporarily okay,” I replied, inhaling the scent of his dark shirt. It smelled like the laundry soap I’d used countless times in the laundry room at Willow Springs. Garth continued to pat me awkwardly, but he managed to stay quiet as I soaked in a few more moments of Willow Springs. I rubbed my arm over my eyes before pulling away. “How long have you been here?”

“A couple of hours or so.”

I settled into the chair Alex had just been sitting in. The shock of seeing him was over, and the questions started. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check out your apartment. Check out the city. See if it’s a place I could live.” Garth’s eyes flicked around the apartment.

“Garth Black, you’d be more comfortable living on Venus than in Seattle.”

His smile stretched wide. “Yes, I think I would.”

I waited, but after a few seconds, I couldn’t wait anymore. Patience wasn’t a strong point of mine. “Are you going to tell me the real reason you’re here, or am I to assume you’ve been kicked off of Willow Springs and need a place to crash?”

“I just might after this . . .”

“After what?” The man was infuriating.

“I’ll let you two talk. I’ll head over to Sid’s for the night.” Alex grabbed her purse, waved, and took one last longing look at Garth.

“Nice meeting you, Alex.”

“Nice meeting you, Garth.”

“Thanks for your help. And the coffee.” Garth lifted his cup.

Alex stopped in the doorway. “You know where to find me if you need any more coffee. Or help.”

“Alex,” I snapped. “Left hand. Ring finger. Sid. Bye-bye.”

She blew me a kiss before closing the door behind her.

Alone together, the air became very thick. Garth and I couldn’t seem to figure out what to say next.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“I’m all right.”

“When was the last time you ate? Dinner? That was over eight hours ago, and I know from experience you guys are ready to devour a refrigerator if you don’t get fed every six hours.”

“Actually, the last time I ate was lunch. I left Willow Springs an hour or so before dinner.”

“Lunch?! Okay, you really need to eat.” I headed for the fridge and moved things around to see what we had.

“Don’t bother, Rowen. Really. I’m good.”

“But you are not a good liar because I can hear your stomach grumbling from here.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited for him. His expression and body language looked more uncomfortable than when I’d hugged him.

“Garth. It’s a meal and, judging from the contents of our fridge, not a very fancy one. It’s not a favor, a bribe, a handout, or something you’ll have to repay one day.” Grabbing hold of the cheese and butter, I lifted them. “It’s a toasted cheese sandwich.”

Garth shifted in the chair. “It’s never just a toasted cheese sandwich.”

I slammed the fridge closed and grabbed the bread. “You’re right. It’s a toasted cheese sandwich and a little human decency.”

“Decency? Human decency? That’s an oxymoron, right?”

I groaned. “Fine. How about this? I’m going to make two sandwiches. One for myself and one for whoever else in the room might want to have one.” If there was one thing about Willow Springs I hadn’t missed, it was Garth driving me nuts. “Now that food is out of the way, why are you here, Garth?”

“The question isn’t why I’m here, the question is why you are.”

I stopped slicing the cheese. “I live here?” I knew he was getting at something else.

“I thought you were in college over here. Isn’t that supposed to help make you smarter?”

“Black,” I warned through my teeth as I turned on the burner. “I know what you’re getting at, and that’s not something I’m going to talk with you about.”

“Yeah, Jesse didn’t want to either, but I didn’t give a shit then and I don’t give a shit now. Because he’s in misery and you’re in misery and you’re making everyone around you miserable.”

I slammed the fry pan onto the burner about five times harder than necessary. “I’m not making anyone else miserable.”

Garth huffed. “I just sat here talking with your roommate for over an hour. Believe me, you’re making her miserable.”

“Fine. Yes, I’m miserable. I’m not trying to make people around me the same, but I suppose it’s possible it’s been spilling over lately.”

“It’s definitely been spilling over,” Garth added.

“What do you expect? You know about all of the shit I heaped on Jesse. I’m guessing if you talked with him, you know he basically told me to leave and never come back. What else, besides misery, would you like me to feel?” I focused on buttering the bread to keep from looking at him.

“I’m not here to try to convince you that you didn’t screw up with Jesse, and I’m not going to deny he screwed up with you, too. I’m here because I can’t figure out for shit why the two of you would rather say good-bye to the good thing you had going instead of working it out and moving on.”

I slapped the sandwiches into the pan, then leaned into the counter. “He doesn’t want me anymore, Garth. He hasn’t called once in close to a month.”

“Bullshit. Try again.”

“There’s no way he could move on from the things I did, inadvertent or not, this year.”

“Bull. Shit.”

“Is that your new favorite word or something? Got anything different?” I snapped before flipping the sizzling sandwiches.

“Not when I’m surrounded by so much of it.”

“He’s better off without me.” I finally spun around to look him in the eyes. “You and I both know that, Garth.”

A second passed by. Then another. Finally, Garth opened his mouth. “Bullshit.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. The profanities and topic were overwhelming me.

“What else have you got for me? I can keep this up all night long.”

After plating the sandwiches, I turned off the burner and dropped the two plates on the table. Garth eyed his but didn’t touch it. I sighed, then bit into mine as I sat. “I don’t know, Garth. It just feels like things shouldn’t be this hard. I feel like we’re fighting nature or something being together. Nothing for Jesse and me, nothing, has come easy.”

I was bracing myself for another Bullshit when Garth twisted to face me. “Do you really want easy to be the standard by which you measure a relationship?”

If I hadn’t been staring at Garth, I wouldn’t have believed those words had just come from his mouth. When it came to giving relationship advice, I’d guessed Garth had about as much to offer as an amoeba. I’d been wrong.

“Um . . . no.” I set my sandwich down, feeling a little stunned. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“Good answer.”

After a little more deliberation, I asked, “Why are you doing this? Why do you give a shit? You know I think you’re a decent guy, but you’re not exactly the kind who gives a shit.”

Garth’s gaze lowered. “I ruined one of Jesse’s relationships. I’m not going to watch another be ruined if I can do something to stop it.” He paused to clear his throat. “After this, we’re even.”