Party Princess (The Princess Diaries 7)

Mia! You have to be firm with guys. It’s like Ms. Dynamite says in “Put Him Out”—I understand you love him and UR down/But that don’t mean you gotta be his clown.

I KNOW!

You guys. We have SO MANY submissions for the first issue. Ms. Martinez and I are meeting at lunch to decide what’s going in and what’s not. Volume I of Fat Louie’s Pink Butthole is going to ROCK.

PLEASE STOP CALLING IT THAT.

No, because that is its NAME. You’re the only one who doesn’t like it. Well, except Principal Gupta. But like HER opinion counts. Speaking of which, POG, what’s this Braid! thing your grandmother’s got going on?

How do you know it’s her????

Um, who else would hold auditions at the Plaza? Duh. So. What is it?

I don’t know. Just another of my crazy grandmother’s schemes to humiliate and annoy me.

God, who peed in YOUR cornflakes this morning?

NO ONE!!! I’m just sick of her always butting into my life!!!

Mia’s worried about Michael finding out she’s not a party girl.

TINA!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I’m sorry, Mia. But it’s so ridiculous. Don’t you think it’s ridiculous, Lilly?

What’s a party girl?

You know. Like Lana. Or Paris Hilton.

UGH!!!! Why would you want to be like Paris Hilton, anyway????

I don’t. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m just—Paris Hilton is one of those women who is too pretty to live. Don’t you think, Tina?

Totally. She is NO ONE for you to be threatened by, Mia.

I am not threatened by her! I just—

Check it out:

WOMEN WHO ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL

TO LIVE AND SHOULD BE SENT AWAY

TO LIVE WITH ONE ANOTHER

ON A DESERTED ISLAND

SO THE REST OF US CAN STOP

FEELING SO INADEQUATE

by

Lilly Moscovitz

1) Paris Hilton. Wait—she’s pretty, can eat whatever she wants and never get fat, much less have to exercise, AND she’s an heiress? Is there no JUSTICE on this planet? And okay, she is kind to animals and gay people, and she is obviously smart enough to land herself a fiancé who is related to one of the richest families in the world. But did she ever think about using her mind to develop something other than a reality TV show? What about a cure for cancer, Paris? What about a way to atomize seawater to produce droplets to rise into the clouds and increase their reflectivity of sunlight, resulting in cooling temperatures adequate to compensate for global warming, thus saving the planet? Come on, Paris, we know you could do it if you applied yourself. With your money and brains, you could really make a difference!

2) Angelina Jolie. Just get rid of her! She’s way too beautiful, with those stupid pouty lips and all that hair and those sticky-outy hip bones. I don’t care about any of that stealing-Brad-from-Jennifer stuff, or the Ethiopian orphan she adopted, or whether or not she ever made out with her brother. Just get rid of her! She’s too pretty!