Right. And I mean, according to that movie, the whole thing should only take about one minute, given that this will be Michael’s first time.
Yes, but then according to that movie, the second time should take TWO HOURS.
It took me that long the first time with the showerhead. But I think it was because I was thinking about the wrong person. I was thinking about Boris, but later I figured out it works much better if I think about Cole from Charmed.
Me, too! I mean, about the two hours. But James Franco from Tristan & Isolde, not Cole.
Do you think it’s going to work in real life? I mean, without water?
I don’t know, Tina. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take, if it will mean keeping Michael by my side.
I totally understand. And I am with you 100 percent. You have condoms?
Of course. And I’m stopping by Duane Reade after school for some contraceptive sponges. Because you know condoms alone are only, like, 95 percent effective against preventing pregnancy if used correctly. I can’t risk that extra 5 percent.
But what’s Lars going to say when he sees you buying contraceptive sponges? He’s going to know they aren’t for a class, like the condoms were. He takes all the same classes as you do—even if he doesn’t exactly pay attention in them (then again…neither do you)!
I’m going to tell Lars they’re a joke present for you. So play along, okay?
Ha. Ha. Ha. A joke present for me. That’s really funny.
Well, I can’t say they’re a joke present for Lilly, because what if Lars asks her????
You aren’t telling Lilly about this?
Tina, how can I? You know what she’ll say.
That if Michael doesn’t go to Japan, then his robotic surgical arm will never get made, and thousands of people will die who might not otherwise if you had just let him go?
Ouch, Tina. That really hurt.
I mean, I’m just saying that’s what LILLY would say. I don’t really BELIEVE that. At least, not very much. Michael is a very resourceful person. I’m sure he’ll find a way to make his robotic surgical arm here. It’s just that…did I mention my dad is on medication now for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and his doctor says if he doesn’t cut back his red meat intake, he’s a prime candidate for bypass surgery?
Well, tell your mom to stop letting him order so much orange beef from Wu Liang Ye.
Yeah. I will. Oh, Mia! This is so exciting! You’re going to be the first one in our group to give up her Precious Gift! Except Lilly, of course, if she and J.P. really Did It over summer break.
And you’re sure you don’t hate me for it? I mean, that I’m not waiting until the night of our senior prom, like we agreed?
Oh, Mia, of course not. I understand that there are mitigating circumstances. I mean, if Boris was offered first chair in some orchestra in Australia and was seriously considering going, I would do the exact same thing. Except, of course, Boris playing first chair at the Sydney Philharmonic isn’t going to save anybody’s life, let alone prove himself worthy to a nation over which I might one day rule.
Thanks, Tina. I really mean that. Your support means a lot to me.
That’s what I’m here for!
Really, could there BE a better friend than Tina Hakim Baba? I don’t think so.
Okay, so:
LIST OF THINGS TO DO BEFORE HAVING SEX:
Get contraceptive sponges
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Shave underarms/legs
Shave bikini area????