That’s not why I’m crying, either. I guess. I don’t know….
And poor J.P.! I can’t believe I just left him hanging like that. I mean, I didn’t give him an answer either way. I just sort of…ignored him.
But I have to say something or it’s going to be weird.
It’s going to be weird either way, of course.
But he took a risk, putting himself out there like that. The least I can do is pay him the common courtesy of responding.
It’s just…I don’t know what to say.
I don’t! I mean, I know I don’t love him back—obviously.
But that doesn’t mean, like Tina said, that I couldn’t learn to. If I let myself.
In fact, if I let myself, I have an idea I could love J.P. a lot.
Just, you know. In a different way than I loved Michael.
But maybe I shouldn’t be making decisions like this after midnight on a day when I nearly got blown up and two weeks after I got dumped and one week into cowboy therapy and two nights before I’m supposed to make a speech about drainage in front of two thousand sophisticated New York businesswomen and an hour after I discovered ihatemiathermopolis.com is being written by someone who goes to my school and maybe, possibly my ex-best friend. (But it couldn’t be her, right? That would be too mean, even for Lilly.)
Maybe I should sleep on it. Maybe I should just go to bed and—
Okay. That is never going to work. I am never going to get to sleep unless I—
FTLOUIE: Dear J.P.,
Hi. So…today was weird, huh?
And it’s probably only going to be weirder tomorrow, what with all these newspapers and stuff saying how Kenny is a psychopathic madman, and you and I are going out and all. Not that I mind—if I’m going to be falsely romantically linked with anybody, I’m glad it’s you. Ha ha.
It’s just…I don’t know if I’m ready yet to be NOT falsely romantically linked with anybody. Do you know what I mean? Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. And I’m not sure I’m ready to get back in the saddle and date again—
Oh my God. Dr. Knutz isn’t even here, and I’m using horse allegories. That is just so wrong.
Okay, delete, delete, delete.
Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I hook up with anybody—
Hook up!!! NO NO NO NO!!!! DELETE!!!
I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I start going out with somebody else.
Okay. Better.
I really do count you as one of my best friends, J.P. And if I WERE going to date anyone this soon, it would be you.
Oh, God. Is that even true? I mean, I do like him…. He’s no Michael. But who is? Except Michael, of course.
But what about Lilly? It’s true she’s mad at me right now (but she can’t be behind ihatemiathermopolis.com…where would she even find the time, between student council and Lilly Tells It Like It Is and dating Kenny and all?)—and I’m not even really sure why.
But what if by som
e miracle she decides to forgive me for whatever it is that I did to her? And then she finds out I’m going out with her ex?
On the other hand…she’s going out with my ex.
And, okay, I spent most of the time I was dating Kenny trying to figure out how to break up with him. But still. She can’t be mad at me for doing exactly what she’s doing…can she?