Or how she was going to live with her guilt.
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she stared at the floor. If she hadn’t fallen in love with Gideon, her mother would still be alive. She blinked as tears stung her eyes. She told herself she wasn’t entirely to blame, that her mother had been unhappy for years, but it didn’t help. Her mother was dead and it was all her fault. And even though Gideon didn’t want her to attend the funeral, Kay knew she would never forgive herself if she didn’t go.
Once the decision was made, she felt a little better. She couldn’t change the past, but fear of the future would not keep her from telling her mother good-bye.
Hunger drove her out of the apartment. Emotionally, she didn’t feel like eating, but the wolf inside demanded nourishment. She was always ravenous before the full moon. She had asked her father once why that was, and he’d told her it was because it required an amazing amount of physical energy and stamina to shift from human to wolf and back again.
Kay thought about that while she ate, wondering why she was so much hungrier this time than she had ever been in the past. She devoured four double cheeseburgers, two orders of fries, and two chocolate shakes and she was still hungry. She ordered a cheeseburger to go and left the restaurant.
She wandered down one side of the street and up the other and then, feeling the need to connect with another human being, she ducked into a bookstore and called Wanda, who was her only real friend in all the world.
“Girlfriend!” Wanda exclaimed. “Where on earth have you been? We’ve all been going crazy around here wondering what happened to you. I thought … we thought …”
“I’m so sorry,” Kay said. “I should have gotten in touch with you sooner to let you know I’m okay, but … well, my life has been sort of … strange, lately.”
“You could have called.”
“I know.” Kay shook her head. With everything that had been going on, she’d completely forgotten about her job and just about everything else. “I need you to tell Dr. Saltzman that I won’t be coming back.”
“What? Why not? What’s happened? Are you all right? Should I … ?”
“One thing at a time,” Kay said, interrupting her friend in midsentence. “A lot’s happened. I got married… .”
“Married!” Wanda exclaimed. “To who? That hot guy you mentioned?”
“Yes. It was kind of sudden. And my mother …” Kay swallowed the lump rising in her throat. “My mother … she passed away.”
“Oh, Kay, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks, Wanda.” Kay took a deep breath. “Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.”
“I’m glad you called, although I almost didn’t answer the phone. Did you get a new number?”
“No, this one belongs to Gideon. Listen, I’ve gotta go.”
“All right. Keep in touch, Kay. I want to hear all about that new husband of yours. And if you ever get back here, stop by and see us, okay?”
“I will. I promise. Take care of yourself, Wanda.”
“You, too.”
Kay closed the phone, then stared out the window. She could sense the night coming, feel the darkness whispering over her skin in a way she never had before.
Feeling suddenly uneasy, she left the bookstore and hurried back to Gideon’s lair.
The sun was setting when she let herself into his apartment.
* * *
Chapter 34
Gideon paused in the act of transporting himself out of the apartment when he heard the key in the lock.
He was in her face when she closed the door. “Where in the hell have you been? I was just coming after you.”
Kay stared at him, uncharacteristically annoyed by his tone. What was wrong with her? All things considered, it was only natural for him to be worried.
She took a deep breath, stilling the angry words that rose in her throat. “I needed to get out.” She ran her hands up and down her arms. “I called my friend.”
Gideon nodded. “You needed to talk to someone who’s, for want of a better word, normal. I understand.”
“You do? Have you ever felt that way?”
“Sure, now and then.” He shrugged at her startled expression. “I’ve had—I guess you could call them lady friends—from time to time in the last few hundred years. Not for prey. Not for sex. Just for companionship. Just for a chance to feel human for a week or two.”
He stepped away from her and she moved to the sofa and sat down. “Did you ever love any of them?”
Brow furrowed in thought, he shoved his hands into his pants pockets. “No, but I cared for them because they served a purpose.”
“Did you compel them to be with you?”
“Hey! Don’t you think I could get a girlfriend without resorting to tricks?”
“Of course I do. I … oh! Very funny,” she muttered when she realized he was teasing her. “Did you ever have any men friends?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure. Probably the whole male macho thing. Vampires, especially old ones, are notoriously territorial.” Taking a seat beside her, he slipped his arm around her shoulders. “Are you all right?” he asked, feeling the tension humming inside her.
“Of course. Why do you ask?”
“You’re lying to me, Kiya. If you don’t want me reading your mind, then tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know. I just feel … strange.”
“Strange how?”
“Just … strange.” She made a vague gesture with her hand. “Like my skin is too tight. And I’m hungry all the time.”
“Nothing strange about that. You’ve eaten like a truck driver on steroids ever since I met you.”
She glared at him.
“Sorry. What else?”
“I just don’t feel like me. You don’t think it’s because I’ve tasted your blood, do you?”
“No. The little bit you’ve had wouldn’t have any ill effect on you. Might even make you stronger.”
She lifted a hand to her brow. “Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
“Do werewolves get sick?”
“Rarely.”
Gideon eased back a little, his gaze moving over her face. “You look all right to me.” Leaning forward, he scraped his fangs over the skin alongside her neck. “You taste the same.”