She gave in to tears then, pressing up against his chest for comfort. Darius was grateful that she seemed to need him and gladly held her securely next to his thudding heart. After a time, he asked gently, “Can you tell me, darling? I do not know the story of your brother. I want to understand.” He waited for her to continue, patiently caressing her back.
“Jonathan went out in the rowboat with some other boys when he was expressly told ‘no’ by Papa. I surprised him behind the house when I caught him sneaking off. He pressed his fingers to his lips, begging me to keep his secret.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t deny him anything, so I didn’t expose him to Papa. They went out in the rowboat and a squall came up from nowhere. The waves capsized their boat and Jonathan was swept away—his body never found. The sea claimed him.”
“Oh, darling, I am so sorry.” Like clouds parting for the illuminating sun, Darius was finally beginning to understand his wife.
“You see, it is my fault. I should have told Papa he was leaving in the boat. Papa would have stopped him, and Jonathan would be alive still. It was an appalling mistake, and I made it. The loss of Jonathan crushed Mamma. She died but a year later, and Papa began to take to drink. I tried to care for him the best I could, but I was unable to save Papa in the end anyway. Everyone I love leaves me eventually.”
“Oh, cara, I had no idea about any of this. It happened after I left Somerset.” He kissed her on the forehead, caressing the back of her head, weaving through her hair.
“Marianne, you were but a child yourself. It was a tragic accident. Surely you see that you cannot bear the burden of guilt upon your shoulders alone?”
“I was old enough to know better, and I was afraid to tell my parents that I’d seen him and let him go. No one ever knew that part of it. If they had, they would have hated me for it. I was afraid to tell them and lose their love…and be all alone…” She broke down and sobbed in great heaves against his chest, and it was some time before she could continue. He kept stroking her softly; ever patient, knowing she’d keep going when she was able.
“’Tis why I feel unworthy of you and everything you’ve given me. ’Tis why I craved for you to tell me what to do, to think, and to feel. If you tell me, I am not responsible for decisions. I am safe. I can just float in the sensation without worry I’ll make the wrong choice. If something bad happens it won’t be my fault. Do you understand, Darius? That’s why I needed you to tell me. It gave me some solace from the burden of guilt…”
She stopped speaking, and he just held her some more, hoping like hell she could feel how much he did love her. So many things were now clear about her. The mysterious detachment, her willing submission to him, her giving nature, the difficulty in accepting demonstrations of affection and gifts from him all made sense to him now. In all things, she was trying to atone for something that couldn’t be atoned.
He spoke in a dead calm, hoping to impart reason into her opinions of herself. “I understand, Marianne, but I also know you need to let that guilt go. The burden of it is killing you slowly. It cannot help Jonathan or you. Jonathan is long at peace, and you have a life to live.” He clutched her a little tighter. “I need you, and you are most worthy, in my eyes. It changes nothing. I love you still and could never let you go anyway. You’ll have to put up with me until I go to my grave.”
It was quiet for a minute or more. Who knew? He’d bared it all. His soul was laid out raw and exposed. She had demons to conquer, and only she could banish them, really. He could love and support her, but he couldn’t bring her brother back for her or force her to let go of the guilt. The silence stretched on, and with each passing second his heart sank into deeper distress.
She pulled back from his chest and reached for his face, cradling it in both of her soft hands. He felt a flicker of hope when her beautiful lips began to speak.
“And then you came along, Darius, and loved me. Strangely, I know I have hope that I might be free now, and it’s only because of you. The accident today helped to show me how much I have to live for. I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t. So I fought to pull myself to safety with every ounce of strength I could muster. I had to live, you see, because I have two very important reasons…”
His breath caught. “Yes?”
She nodded, her blue eyes glowing beautifully. Taking his hand, she pressed it to the soft, flat plane of her stomach. “I must live so I can be mother to our child. A child I want very much. A child I will love, fiercely.”
“Dear God! You are certain?”
“Yes, Darius. You will be a father.” The look of joy on her face was worth more to him than anything save for the precious gift she was giving him by her declaration.
He bent down to whisper and kiss over her belly. “Our baby is here, growing inside you right now. Oh, you will be such a loving mother. Our sweet child is blessed, you know.”
He froze when he thought about how hard he’d just taken her and panicked. “Damnation! I was too rough with you. I am sorry, cara!” He looked up from her belly, nearly incapacitated with fear. “Did I hurt—”
“—DARIUS, I am perfectl
y well. You did not hurt me, and I like your loving me just the way you do it.” She pulled him back up from her stomach to her lips and kissed him softly. “It is very early yet, and we won’t have to worry about changing our habits for some time.”
“Just the same, I intend to take very good care of you and be ever so careful.” He smiled at her, but she could detect a slight regret in the expression.
Marianne thought she knew why. “Darius, aren’t you going to ask me?”
His eyes shuttered. “Ask you what, cara?”
“My other reason. I said I had two important reasons to live. Our baby is one reason.”
He whispered without meeting her eyes. “What is the other reason, Marianne?” His voice carried the identifiable fear to hear whatever it was, but compelled to know anyway.
His eyes stayed down as she began to speak. “Darius, I love that you make me feel cherished. I love that you want me and say I am precious to you. I love that you need my body fiercely. I love the closeness with you. I love that you want me to be the mother of your children. You’ve given all of that to me, even when I thought I shouldn’t deserve any of it. And even though it still may be hard for me sometimes…to let go of the guilt, I want to try to put the past away. I want to hold on to you and your love, for our sake and our child’s.” She brought their hands to her belly together. “You are the best of men, Darius Rourke, and there is something else you need to know…”
She altered her voice, demand evident in her tone. “Look at me, Darius. You want to look at me.”
He lifted his dark eyes, silver flecks glittering, and focused on her.
“I am going to tell you what you want to say. You want to say it, Darius. You do.” She nodded determinedly. “Say, ‘Marianne loves Darius with all of her heart.’ You want to say it, because it is the truth. Tell me, Darius. Say those words.”