Two weeks later.
I started sending pictures to her phone. Pictures of good things that would show her there was happiness all around because of her good work. One was a picture of the two ponies now living in the barn at the Sherborn house. Shane and Brenna helped me choose them, naming them George and Martha after characters from a book they liked. Another was a video of my mother leading Brenna around the ring on Martha for her first riding lesson. My mom had been quite the equestrian in her younger years, and now that she was finally free from the devastating grip of my father's control she was coming back to life again. She wanted to start an equine therapy program at Sherborn for children and adults with special needs who could benefit from the unique healing treatment of connecting with horses.
I sent a picture of Alanna with the kids holding a handmade sign that read: WE LOVE MS. WINTER AND WE MISS HER VERY MUCH!!! I never knew if she received the pictures because she might have changed her number. So, I sent them to both of her emails just in case.
At night I slept on sheets I refused to wash because I couldn't bear to lose the scent of her. I wrote her many letters on paper with a pen. I didn't know how to get them to her but I still needed to write out the words for myself anyway.
And then, Caleb came to see me and told me where she was.
"She's in L.A. with Wyatt. She said she needed to be far away from everything that would remind her of sad things and of the people she's hurt. I'm assuming that's mostly you, James."
"No. The only way she's hurting me is by being gone."
If I could see her—and she could see me—I knew I could make things right again. I knew what she needed. She needed me to love her and tell her to start living her life again. She needed that push to come from me. I knew it down to my very core.
"That's what I figured," he said evenly. "I was never here, brother. We did not have this conversation, okay?"
"Okay."
You'll never know what this means to me, Caleb.
"Now, getcha ass going and bring my sister back home where she belongs."
"Get the fuck outta my way so I can leave for the airport," I told him.
"I'd take you there myself but I was never here and we never had this conversation."
I bear-hugged him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.
The next day.
Malibu, California
I felt my starved heart start up beating again when I spotted her walking on the beach. She was a ways off in the distance and walking in the opposite direction, but I knew it was her. She had on black shorts and a blue long-sleeved shirt.
Those long legs carrying her down the beach, and that chestnut brown hair blowing in the Pacific breeze were unmistakable to my eyes. I knew what my woman looked like even from very far away.
I gave five bucks to a kid to deliver my letter into her hand once she sat down on the sand to watch the waves.
I knew what I'd written by heart and watched her when she read it.
* * *
WINTER
The hair on the back of my neck started tingling the moment I stepped onto the beach. I sensed that something was about to change but had no particular reason for why I should feel that way.
The familiar ache that had been with me for three long weeks was finally starting to lessen. But maybe that had to do more with the emails I'd seen last night along with the precious pictures and the video he'd sent. I'd almost called Alanna to get the details on the new ponies but lost my nerve at the last minute.
I'd stayed silent for so long.
I was terribly afraid he wouldn't want to hear me if I tried to reach out to him now.
James.
I'd hurt him and myself so badly. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but I had, and the devastation of that knowledge had pretty much cut me off at the knees.
I didn't know how to begin.