“But you’re not gay.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not into men.”
Carrick flinched.
“I’m into you. It’s always been you. Sally was a conduit between us. I admit I liked the idea of the three of us more than the execution of it. I thought I could have it all. A sweet sub to protect and cherish and discipline and the man I fucking loved.”
Carrick breathed out harshly. “Sally never wanted me. I came with you and she tolerated me. But her end game was always to get rid of me and have you to herself. After all, why would she want to be involved with a dirty, broke mechanic when she could have a Malone?”
“Except all I wanted was you.”
* * *
It’s always been fucking you.
This couldn’t be real.
All I wanted was you.
“I was your best friend—”
“Yeah, my best friend. And I didn’t want to lose that. So, I held back. I hoped something might build between us. It took me too long to figure out her game, how she was treating you.”
He shook his head. What? “What the fuck, man? This isn’t possible.”
Amusement filled Jardin’s face. “It’s not possible that I find you attractive? Seriously? Since when did your self-esteem take a total nosedive?”
“Since my best friend told me to get the fuck out, that he didn’t want to see me.”
“I fucked up. I didn’t mean it. Like I said, I was angry at myself, not you.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt?”
“Guess I was scared.”
Carrick let out a laugh. “The great Jardin Malone doesn’t get scared.”
“He does when someone means something to him. When he doesn’t want to lose them. When he doesn’t know what move to make. And then he makes the wrong one and messes up not just his life but the person who means everything to him.”
Carrick paced back and forth. “So, wait . . . let’s get this all straight. You and me. We were best friends. We shared a sub. One who was only with me because she thought she had to be to get you but secretly wanted you to herself.”
“Which I didn’t realize.”
“She told you lies about me, about how I wanted out? Wanted other people?”
“How she saw you talking to other men. How you’d come home smelling of cologne. How you stopped having sex with her.”
“Fuck,” Carrick swore. “She knew what buttons to push.”
“Being stupid wasn’t Sally’s issue.”
“No, being a raging bitch was.”
Jardin nodded in agreement. “But, yeah, she knew where to hit at me. I thought you wanted out. I thought I was going to lose you. I didn’t know how to tell you what I felt without risking you leaving or rejecting me. And it took me a while to work through my feelings for you. Plus, you seemed to be pulling away from me.”
“Fuck.” Carrick shook his head.
“I still don’t know if you’d ever be attracted to me. I know I’m not an easy man to love. That I’m controlling and pushy and domineering.”