“Why would I? I had no idea you were looking for them. Last I knew, you were a happily married man. Where’s your wife?”
Cole had to swallow the bitterness that rose from his gut. “Seems like you’ve been checking up on me too.”
“A mutual friend asked me if I was coming to the wedding. I’m upset I didn’t get an invitation, brother,” Joel said dryly.
“Arabella and I never got married. I called it off before it got that far.” When he’d realized he was marrying someone he didn’t love for a company he no longer cared about just to make other people happy, he’d had to stop it.
“It was a wake-up call, nearly marrying her for business.”
If he expected Joel to react to that, he was disappointed.
“It’s all fucked up. It got so fucked up,” he whispered. “And no matter what decision I made, I messed up and made everything worse.”
“What are you talking about?” Joel asked. “You never do anything without thinking it through and weighing the pros and cons. You’re the most calculating man I know.”
He had been.
“Did you love her?” Joel asked him.
“No.” That shamed him. But it hadn’t been a love match. They’d both gone into it with their eyes open. “It was a business decision.”
Was that disappointment that flashed through Joel’s eyes. He had to have misread that, right?
“And business always comes first, right?” Joel said mockingly, saluting him with his glass.
“It used to. Until I realized how fucked up my life was. How lonely and pathetic I’d become.”
This time Joel did react, his eyes widening.
“I lost the only two people I ever cared about because of the business I was raised to run. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason father had me, had us,” he altered.
“No, you had it right the first time. You were the one he raised to take over.”
“That bastard didn’t raise me,” Cole snapped, making Joel’s eyebrows rise. “He created me. Molded me. Do you know that whenever you weren’t there, he used to seek me out just to point out how much I disappointed him? How I would never be as smart or athletic or fucking liked as much as my younger brother was? How upset he was I was his oldest child, that it would have been better if I’d never existed.”
“You’re fucking with me.”
“Believe me, I couldn’t make this shit up. Wish I could.”
“That cold-hearted fucking bastard. I always knew things were hard on you at home, but I just thought . . . well, you never seemed to want anything to do with me.”
“I was jealous. Father cared about you more. Thought you were perfect, while I was constantly lacking. All he did was extol your virtues. It messed with my head. Then there was the fact that you had a mother who loved you, a little sister who adored you. Christ, I spent half my life wishing you were dead and the rest of the time wishing I were you.”
“Fuck. Why did you never tell me?”
“I was
a kid. I just wanted to win my father’s affection. And I guess I figured you knew. That he was telling you what a fuck-up I was while giving all his affection to you.”
“That bastard didn’t know the first thing about affection. He never once gave me a word of praise. But he also never said anything about you to me.”
“He didn’t?” Cole frowned.
“No. That’s why I never understood it. Why you hated me.”
“I never hated you. Thought I did for the longest time. Until I grew up a little and fucking realized what an asshole I’d been. By then, you wanted nothing to do with the business, with me. And I was bitter. All I could see was that I was having to do it all, while you were off living your life. Happy.”
Joel shook his head. Then he ran his hand over his face tiredly. “Fuck. What a mess. I admit I could have done more in the business. But I didn’t want it. I thought you hated me because he left half of it to me. Figured you’d be happier if I stayed away. Then when you were so opposed to the club, when you were such an asshole about something I did care about, it just proved to me that we’d never have a relationship.”