I slumped down onto a big stone slab and buried my face in my hands, mumbling, “Yeah? Well, you shouldn’t be. The whole thing’s been nothing but a big, fat, colossal fail since the moment I got here.”
“How do you figure?” Bodhi sat beside me, as Buttercup tried to sniff and lick at my fingers but I pushed him away.
“How do you figure?” I asked, knowing I was acting like a brat, but unable to voice the real reason behind it.
It was the way Bodhi had looked at me when I was Aurelia—versus the way he looked at me now. The two were polar opposites, worlds apart, as different as me and, well, as different as me and Aurelia were.
“You found your way out,” Bodhi said. “You’re the first Soul Catcher to accomplish such a thing.”
“I didn’t accomplish anything,” I told him. “I found my way out because of you, and Buttercup. Your showing up while I was out on the balcony triggered something in me, though I did my best to fight it so I could continue to live as Aurelia.” I lifted my head, and searched for his eyes. “And, for the record, I heard everything you said. I remember all of it.” I shot him a pointed look, wondering if he understood what I was referring to—the bit when he confessed that I, or rather me masquerading as Aurelia, took his breath away. I shook my head and groaned, waved my hand before me, wishing I could erase what I’d just said. There was no point in going on about it. “The only reason I didn’t let on is because I didn’t exactly want to be out. Before I agreed to enter her world, I made her promise not to trap me. But, once she did, I didn’t fight too hard to get out. Messalina gave me everything I ever wanted and more. And, at that moment anyway, the Here & Now just couldn’t compete with the fairy-tale life she’d created for me.”
“So, what changed your mind?” he asked, his voice gentle but curious.
I started to say, “You.”
Started to say that the thought of being around him, even stuck as little Riley Bloom, the girl he’d never take seriously, was what did it—but I just couldn’t get to the words.
So instead, I swallowed hard and said, “Buttercup.” I patted my lap, invited my big lug of a dog to jump up. Grasping him tightly to a chest that was once again sunken, I said, “I missed Buttercup.” And then I buried my face in his fur, mumbling my apologies into his ear. “I’m sorry for calling you smelly, because you’re not—or at least not in a bad way, not in the way of the ludus. You smell like fresh air and sunshine and …” I scrunched my nose deep into his neck. “And strawberries! Have you been rolling in a field of strawberries?” I peered into his big brown eyes, hoping to find a hint of forgiveness. And when he barked in excitement, when he licked my face and left a pool of slobber all over my cheeks, I knew we were good once again.
“So what now?” Bodhi asked, his question so broad I wasn’t sure if he meant: What now after the weird thing we experienced?
Or more like: What do we do now—what’s the strategy for getting what we came for?
Choosing to stick with the least uncomfortable of the two, I gazed down at my dress, tightened the braided gold sash around my waist, and said, “Well, I’m pretty sure we can find Messalina and Theocoles in either one of two places—at the party, or the games. From what I can tell, they just relive the same two experiences over and over again.”
20
I was really hoping we’d find them at the games since I’d had enough of that whole party scene. And, in all honesty, I was hoping to avoid Dacian as well.
Partly due to vanity—I couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing me as myself—my real self as opposed to my future self. And partly because I was pretty sure he wasn’t real anyway. I was pretty sure he was nothing more than a manifestation Messalina had made to better distract me. The fact that she refused to either confirm or deny it, the fact that she just slid around the question, only proved it.
But, as luck would have it, when we arrived the party was in full swing, Messalina was already down in the ludus, and there was no sign of Dacian, which only confirmed my suspicion. Dacian was a fake. Otherwise, he would’ve been there, caught up in the same, lame routine. But since I was no longer a participant, Messalina was free to delete him from the guest list. And yet, even though I already suspected, I’m not gonna lie, it still hurt like heck.
Hurt in a way that surprised me.
My fairy-tale romance was not only completely superficial—not only based on a lie—but, in actuality, it didn’t even exist.
My first real kiss wasn’t real at all—it had come from a soulless aberration disguised as Prince Charming. And I’d wanted so badly to believe it was true that I bought right into the illusion Messalina had made.
How’s that for pathetic?
We made our way down the stairs, pushing through the crowd of raging gladiator ghosts, until we came to the second-to-last cell, and I motioned for Bodhi to peek through the small square opening at the top, to take in the scene I knew all too well.
“Wow, he really is stuck,” Bodhi whispered, turning away from the door and glancing at me.
I stared at him, suddenly struck by something I hadn’t noticed before.
“What?” Bodhi’s brows drew together as Buttercup tilted his head and stared at me inquisitively.
“Say it again,” I urged. “Repeat exactly what you just said, in the exact same tone of voice.”
He looked at me like I’d lost it, though he was quick to go along, whispering, “Wow, he really is stuck.” Then staring at me, waiting for the big reveal.
“That’s it!” I pulled him away from the door, and motioned for Buttercup to run alongside me, glancing over my shoulder to say, “Listen, when we get to the top of the stairs we’ll find ourselves in the Colosseum. I don’t know how it happens, I just know that it’s always happened that way in the past, so I’m sure it’ll happen again. So just follow my lead, okay?”
Bodhi nodded, his trust in me complete. And as I tore up the stairs and found my way to the landing that’s when I learned that I really was in Messalina’s world—and the rules of the game could change in an instant.
21