Lost in a Good Book (Thursday Next 2)

'And how much profit do you expect to scavenge as you massage us from hatched to dispatched?'

'You can't put a price on human happiness, Next. Political and economic uncertainty are the two biggest forms of stress. You'll be pleased to know that the Goliath Cheerfulness Index has reached a four-year high this morning at 9.13.'

'Out of a hundred?' asked Landen sarcastically.

'Out of ten, Mr Parke-Laine,' Schitt-Hawse replied testily. 'The nation has grown beyond all measure under our guidance.'

'Growth purely for its own sake is the philosophy of cancer, Schitt-Hawse.'

His face dropped and he stared at us for a moment, doubtless wondering how best to continue.

'So,' I said politely, 'out to watch the mammoths?'

'Goliath don't watch mammoths, Next. There's no profit in it. Have you met my associates Mr Chalk and Mr Cheese?'

I looked at his two gorilla-like lackeys. They were immaculately dressed, had impeccably trimmed goatees, and stared at me through impenetrable dark glasses.

'Which is which?' I asked

'I'm Cheese,' said Cheese

'I'm Chalk,' said Chalk.

'When is he going to ask you about Jack Schitt?' asked Landen in an unsubtly loud whisper.

'Pretty soon,' I replied.

Schitt-Hawse shook his head sadly. He opened the briefcase Mr Chalk was holding and inside, nestled in the carefully cut foam innards, lay a copy of The Poems of Edgar Allan Poe.

'You left Jack imprisoned in this copy of The Raven. Goliath need him out to face a disciplinary board on charges of embezzlement, Goliath contractual irregularities, misuse of the Corporation's leisure facilities, missing stationery … and crimes against humanity.'

'Oh yes?' I asked. 'Why not just leave him in?'

Schitt-Hawse sighed and stared at me.

'Listen, Next. We need Jack out of here, and believe me, we'll manage it.'

'Not with my help.'

Schitt-Hawse stared silently at me for a moment.

'Goliath is not used to being refused. We asked your uncle to build another Prose Portal. He told us to come back in a month's time. We understand he left on retirement last night. Destination?'

'Not a clue.'

Mycroft had retired, it seemed, not out of choice but out of necessity. I smiled. Goliath had been hoodwinked and they didn't like it.

'Without the Portal,' I told him, 'I can't jump into books any more than Mr Chalk can.'

Chalk shuffled slightly as I mentioned his name.

'You're lying,' replied Schitt-Hawse 'The ineptness card doesn't work on us. You defeated Hades, Jack Schitt and the Goliath Corporation. We have a great deal of admiration for you. Goliath has been more than fair given the circumstances, and we would hate for you to become a victim of corporate impatience.'

'Corporate impatience? What's that, some sort of threat?'

'This unhelpful attitude of yours might make me vindictive – and you wouldn't like me when I get vindictive.'

'I don't like you when you're not vindictive.'