Lost in a Good Book (Thursday Next 2)

'In fiction, the most read book ever is To Kill a Mocking Bird. Not just because it is a cracking good read for us, but of all the vertebrate überclassics it was the only one that really translated well into Arthropod. And if you can crack the lobster market – if you'll pardon the pun – a billion years from now, you're really going to flog some copies. The Arthropod title is: tlkîltlîlkîxlkilkïxlklï or, literally translated, The past non-existent state of the angel fish. Atticus Finch is a lobster called Tklîkï, and he defends a horseshoe crab named Klikïflik.'

'How does it compare?'

'Not too bad, although the scene with the prawns is a little harrowing. It's the crustacean readership that makes Daphne Farquitt such a major player, too.'

'Daphne Farquitt?' I echoed with some surprise. 'But her books are frightfull!'

'Only to us. To the highly evolved Arthropods, Farquitt's work is considered sacred and religious to the point of lunacy. Listen, I'm no fan of Farquitt's but her bodice-ripping pot-boiler The Squire of High Potternews sparked one of the biggest, bloodiest, shellbrokenist wars the planet has ever witnessed.'

I was getting off the point.

'So all these books are your responsibility?'

'Indeed,' replied the cat ainly.

'If I wanted to go into a book I could just pick it up and read it?'

'It's not quite that easy,' replied the cat. 'You can only get into a book if someone has already found a way in and then exited through the library. Every book, you will observe, is bound in either red or green. Green for go, red for no-go. It's quite easy, really – you're not colour blind, are you?'

'No. So if I wanted to go into – oh, I don't know, let's pull a title out of the air – The Raven, then—'

But the cat flinched as I said the title.

'There are some places you should not go!' he muttered in an aggrieved tone. 'Edgar Allan Poe is one of them. His books are not fixed; there is a certain oddness that goes with them. Most macabre Gothic fiction tends to be like that – Sade is the same; also Webster, Wheatley and King. Go into those and you may never come out – they have a way of weaving you into the story and before you know it you're stuck there. Let me show you something.'

And all of a sudden we were in a large and hollow-sounding vestibule where huge Doric columns rose to support a vast vaulted ceiling. The floor and walls were all dark red marble and reminded me of the entrance lobby of an old hotel – only about forty times as big. You could have parked an airship in here and still had room to hold an air race. There was a red carpet leading up from the tall front doors, and all the brasswork shone like gold.

'This is where we honour the boojummed,' said the cat in a quiet voice. He waved a paw in the direction of a large granite memorial about the size of two upended cars. The edifice was shaped like a large book, open in the centre and splayed wide, with a depiction of a person walking into the left-hand page, his form covered by text as he entered. On the opposite page was row upon row of names. A mason was delicately working on a new name with a mallet and chisel. He tipped his hat respectfully and resumed his work.

'Prose Resource Operatives deleted or lost in the line of duty,' explained the cat from where he was perched on top of the statue. 'We call it the Boojumorial.'

I pointed to a name on the memorial.

'Ambrose Bierce was a Jurisfiction agent?'

'One of the best. Dear, sweet Ambrose! A master of prose but quite impetuous. He went – alone – into The Literary Life of Thingum Bob — a Poe short story that one would've thought held no terrors.'

The cat sighed before continuing.

'He was trying to find a back door into Poe's poems. We know you can get from Thingum Bob into The Black Cat by way of an unstable verb in the third paragraph, and from Black Cat into The Fall of the House of Usher by the simple expedient of hiring a horse from the Nicaean stables, from there he was hoping to use the poem within Usher, The Haunted Palace, to springboard him into the rest of the Poe poetical canon.'

'What happened?'

'Never heard from him again. Two fellow booksplorers went in after him – one lost his breath and the other … well, poor Ahab went completely bonkers – thought he was being chased by a white whale. We suspect that Ambrose was either walled up with a cask of amontillado or burried alive or some other unspeakable fate. It was decided that Poe was out of bounds.'

'So Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, he disappeared on assignment too?'

'Not at all; he crashed on a reconnaissance sortie.'

'It was tragic.'

'It certainly was,' replied the cat. 'He owed me forty francs and promised to teach me to play Debussy on the piano using only oranges.'

'Oranges?'

'Oranges. Well, I'm off now. Miss Havisham will explain everything. Go through those doors into the library, take the elevator to the fourth floor, first right and the books are about a hundred yards on your left. Great Expectations is green bound so you should have no trouble.'

'Thanks.'