Lost in a Good Book (Thursday Next 2)

Spike leaned against the remains of a pew and grunted and strained for a few minutes, making some of the oddest faces as he tried to expel the spirit of the Evil One. It looked as if he were trying to shit a bowling ball out of his left nostril. After a few minutes of exertions he stopped.

'Bastard. It's like trying to snatch a trout from a mountain stream with a boxing glove. Never mind. I have a plan B which shouldn't fail.'

'The metaphorical fox-terrier?'

'Exactly so. Thursday, draw your weapon.'

'Now what?'

'Shoot me.'

'Where?'

'In the chest, head, anywhere fatal. Where did you think? In my foot?'

'You're joking!'

'Never been more serious.'

'Then what?'

'Good point. I should have explained that first.'

He opened the holdall to reveal a vacuum cleaner.

'Battery powered,' explained Spike. 'As soon as his spirit makes an appearance, suck him up.'

'As simple as that?'

'As simple as that. SEB containment isn't rocket science, Thursday – it's just not for the squeamish. Now, kill me.'

'Spike!'

'What?'

'I can't do it!'

'But you promised – and what's more you really promised.'

'If I'd known that meant kill another SpecOps officer,' I replied in an exasperated tone, 'I wouldn't have gone along with it!'

'SpecOps 17 work ain't no bed of roses, Thursday. I've had enough, and believe me, having this little nurk coiled up in my head is not as easy as it looks. I should never have let him in in the first place, but what's done is done. You have to kill me and kill me well.'

'You're crazy!'

'Undoubtedly. But look around you. You followed me in here. Who's crazier? The crazy or the crazy who follows him?'

'Listen—' I began. 'What's that?'

There was a thump on the church door.

'Blast!' replied Spike. 'The undead. Not necessarily fatal and severely handicapped by that slow swagger – but they can be troublesome if you get cornered. After you have killed me and captured Chuckles up here you may have to shoot your way out. Take my keys; these two here are for the inner and outer gates. They're a bit stiff and you have to turn to the left—'

'I get the picture.'

Another thump echoed the first. There was a crash from the vestry and a shape moved past one of the lower windows.

'They are gathering!' said Spike ominously. 'You'd better get a move on.'