'Us too!' yelled the townsfolk excitedly, eager to see what else I had in my bag of goodies.
'Nothing before you untie me!'
They did so with great haste; sorrow and happiness had kept them going for a long time but they had grown bored – I was here in the guise of dealer, offering new and different experiences.
I asked for my gun and was handed it, the townspeople watching me expectantly like a dodo waiting for marshmallows.
'For a start,' I said, rubbing my wrists and throwing the wedding ring aside, 'I can't remember who got me pregnant!'
There was a sudden silence.
'Shocking!' said the vicar. 'Outrageous, morally repugnant – mmmm!'
'But better than that,' I added, 'if you had killed me you would also have killed my unborn son – guilt like that could have lasted for months!'
'Yes!' yelled Mr Rustic. 'Kill her now!'
I pointed the gun at them and they stopped in their tracks
'You'll always regret not having killed me,' I murmured.
The townsfolk went quiet and mused upon this, the feeling of loss coursing through their veins.
'It feels wonderful!' said one of the farmworkers, taking a seat on the grass to focus his mind more carefully on the strange emotional pot-pourri offered by a missed opportunity of double murder. But I wasn't done yet.
'I'm going to report you to the Council of Genres,' I told them, 'and tell them how you tried to kill me – you could be shut down and reduced to text!'
I had them now. They all had their eyes closed and were rocking backwards and forwards, moaning quietly.
'Or perhaps,' I added, beginning to back away, 'I won't.'
I pulled off the wedding dress at the lichgate and looked back, townspeople were laid out on the ground, eyes closed, surfing their inner feelings on a cocktail of mixed emotions. They wouldn't be down for days.
I picked up my jacket and TravelBook on the way to the vet's, where the blind Shadow was waiting for me. I had completed the mission, even if I had come a hair's breadth from a sticky end. I could do better, and would, given time. I heard a low, growly voice close at hand.
'What happens to me? Am I reduced to text?'
It was Shadow.
'Officially, yes.'
'I see,' replied the dog, 'and unofficially?'
I thought for a moment.
'Do you like rabbits?'
'Rather.'
I pulled out my TravelBook.
'Good. Give me your paw. We're off to Rabbit Grand Central.'
20
Ibb and Obb named and Heights again
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