Humpty's eyes nearly popped out of his head when I explained what I had in mind.
'Sanctuary?' he asked.
'Of sorts," I told him. 'I'll need you to coordinate all the nurseries, who will find narrative a little bit alien after doing couplets for so long, so you'll be dead when the story opens.'
'Not … the wall thing?'
'I'm afraid so. What do you think?'
'Well,' said Humpty, reading the outline carefully and smiling. 'I'll take it to the membership but I think I can safely say that there is nothing here that we can find any great issue with. Pending a ballot, I think you've got yourself a deal.'
It took the C of G almost a year to dismantle Text Grand Central's UltraWord engines, and many more arrests followed, although sadly none in the Outland. Vernham Deane was released, and he and Mimi were awarded the 'Gold Star for Reading' as well as the plot realignment they had wanted for so many years. They married and quite unprecedented for a Farquitt baddy – lived happily ever after, something that caused a severe drop in sales for The Squire of High Potternews. Harris Tweed, Xavier Libris and twenty-four others at Text Grand Central were tried and found guilty of crimes against the BookWorld. Harris Tweed was expelled permanently from fiction and returned to Swindon. Heep, Orlick and Legree were all sent back to their books and the rest were reduced to text.
It was the first day of the influx of nursery rhyme refugees and Lola and I were sitting on a park bench in Caversham Heights soon to be renamed Nursery Crime. We were watching Humpty Dumpty welcome the long line of guests as Randolph allocated parts. Everyone was very happy with the arrangements but I wasn't overwhelmed with joy myself. I still missed Landen and I was reminded of this every time I tried – and failed – to get my old trousers to button up over my rapidly expanding waistline.
'What are you thinking about?'
'Landen.'
'Oh,' said Lola, staring at me with her big brown eyes, 'you will get him back, I am sure of it – please don't be downhearted!'
I patted her hand and thanked her for her kind words.
'I never did say thank you for what you did,' she said slowly. 'I missed Randolph more than anything. If only he'd told me what he felt I would have stayed in Heights or sought a dual placement – even as a C-grade.'
'Men are like that,' I told her. 'I'm just glad you're both happy.'
'I'll miss being the main protagonist,' she said wistfully. Girls Make all the Moves was a good role but in a crap book – do you think I'll ever be the heroine again?'
'Well, Lola,' I told her, 'some would say that the hero of any story is the one who changes the most. If we take the moment when we first met as the beginning of the story and right now as the end, I think that makes you and Randolph the heroes by a long chalk.'
'It does, doesn't it?'
She smiled and we sat in silence for a moment.
'Thursday?'
'Yes?'
'So who did kill Godot?'
Credits
Falstaff, the three witches, Banquo's ghost, Beatrice and Benedict all kindly supplied by Shakespeare (William) Inc.
Our thanks to Mr Heathcliff for graciously agreeing to appear in this novel.
Uriah Heep kindly loaned by Wickfield & Heep, attorneys-at-law.
My thanks to ScarletBea, Yan, Ben, Carla, Jon, Magda, AllAmericanCutie and Dave at the Fforde Fforum for their nominations in the 'Bookie' awards.
Hedge-pig research, Anna Karenina footnoterphone gossip and 'Dodo egg' sarcasm furnished by Mari Roberts.
Solomon's Judgements © The Council of Genres, 1986.
'Chocolate orange' joke used with kind permission of John Birmingham.
UltraWord – the Ultimate Reading Experience™ remains a trademark of Text Grand Central.