'Best Dead Person in Fiction' Bookie category courtesy of C.J. Avery.
'Fictionaut' wordsmithed by Jon Brierley.
Evilness consultant: Ernst Blofeld.
Mrs Bradshaw's gowns by Coco Chanel.
Aornis little sister idea courtesy of Rosie Fforde.
Our grateful thanks to the Great Panjandrum for help and guidance in the making of this novel.
No unicorns were written expressly for this book and no animals or Yahoos (other than grammasites) were harmed in its construction.
This novel was written in BOOK V8.3 and was sequenced using a Mk XXIV ImaginoTransference device. Peggy Malone was the imagmator. Plot Devices and Inciting Incidents supplied by Billy Budd's Bargain Basement and the WOLP Plot Salvage and Recycling Corporation. Generics supplied and trained by St Tabularasa's.
Holes were filled by apprentices at the Holesmiths' Guild, and echolocation and grammatisation was undertaken by Outland contractors at Hodder and Penguin.
The 'Galactic Cleansing" policy undertaken by Emperor Zhark is a personal vision of the emperor's, and its inclusion in this work does not constitute tacit approval by the author or the publisher for any such projects, howsoever undertaken. Warning: The author may have eaten nuts while writing this book.
Made wholly on location within the Well of Lost Plots.
A Fforde/Hodder/Penguin production. All rights reserved.
v1.1 May 29, 2004 - proofed by billbo196
1. '… This is WOLP-12 on the Well of Lost Plots' own footnoterphone station, transmitting live on the hour every hour to keep you up to date with news in the Fiction Factory …'
2. '… After the headlines you can hear our weekly documentary show WellSpeak where today we will discuss hiding exposition; following that there will be a WellNews special on the launch of the new Book Operating system. Ultra Word™, featuring a live studio debate with WordMaster Xavier Libris of Text Grand Central …'
3. '… here are the main points of the news. Prices of semi-colons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty-eight points off the TomJones Index. The Council of Genres has announced the nominations for the 923rd annual BookWorld Awards; Heathcliff is once again to head the 'Most Troubled Romantic Lead' category for the seventy-seventh year running …'
4. '… A new epic poem is to be constructed for the first time in eighty-seven years. Title and subject to be announced, but pundits reckon that it's a pointless exercise: skills have all but died out. Next week will also see the launch of a new shopping chain offering off-the-peg narrative requisites. It will be called Prêt-à-Ecrire …'
5. '… Visit Aaron's Assorted Alliteration Annexe, the superior sellers of stressed syllable or similar-sounding speech sequences since the sixteenth century. Stop soon and see us situated on floor sixteen, shelf six seventy-six …'
6. '… Visit Bill's Dictionorium for every word you'll ever need! From Be to Antidisestablishmentarianism, we have words to suit all your plotting needs. Floor twelve, shelf seventy-eight …'
7. '… Soon to be launched: UltraWord™— The Ultimate Reading Experien
ce. For FREE information on the very latest Book Operating System and how its new and improved features will enhance your new book, call Text Grand Central on:freefootnoterphone/ultraword …'
8. '… Honest John's Pre-featured Character salesroom for all your character needs! Honest John has Generics grade A-6 to D-Q. Top bargains this week: Mrs Danvers, choice of three, unused. +++Lady of Shallott cloned for unfinished remake; healthy A-6 in good condition. + + + Group of unruly C-5S suitable for any crowd scene – call for details. Listen to our full listings by polling on footnoterphone/honestjohn …'
9. 'Vera Tushkevitch! Can you hear me?'
'Yes, I'm here. No need to shout. You will deafen me, I'm sure!'
'I don't trust these strange footnoterphone devices. I'm sure I'll catch some nasty proletarian disease. Where did we last meet? At that party with the Schuetzburgs? The one where they served apples Benedict?'
'No, Sofya, my husband and I were not invited. He voted against Count Schuetzburg at the last election.'
'Then it must have been at Bolshaia Marskaia with Princess Betsy. Whatever did happen to that Karenin girl, have you any idea?'
'Anna? Yes indeed – but you must not tell a soul! Alexei Vronsky was smitten by her from the moment he saw her at the station.'
'The station? Which station?'
'St Petersburg; you remember when a guard fell beneath the train and was crushed?'