Something Rotten (Thursday Next 4)

'You mean—?' asked Kaine, mouth agape.

'Right,' replied the Cat. 'She made you into a real person, just as she made Pinocchio into a real boy.'

He touched his hands to his chest, then his face, trying to figure it out.

'But. . . that means you have no authority over me—!'

'Alas not,' replied the Cat. 'Jurisfiction has no jurisdiction over real people in the real world. As I said, it's all up to Thursday now.'

The Cat stopped and repeated the two words as if to see which sounded better. 'Jurisfiction —jurisdiction —Jurisfiction —jurisdiction.'

Kaine and I stared at one another. If he was real it definitely meant Jurisfiction had no mandate to control him - and it also meant we couldn't destroy him t

hrough his book. But then he couldn't escape from the real world, either - and would bleed and die and age like a real man. Kaine started to laugh.

'Well, this is a turnaround! Thank you very much, Mr Cat!' The Cat gave a contemptuous snort and turned to face the other direction. 'You have done me a great service,' continued Kaine. 'I am now free to lead this country to new heights without the meddling of you and your fictional band of idiots. I'll be free to put behind me the last vestiges of kindness that I was forced to carry in regard of my written character. Mr Cat, I thank you, and the people of the unified Britain thank you.' He laughed again and turned to me. 'And you, Miss Next, won't be able to even get close!'

'There's still the seventh Revealment,' I said rather weakly.

'Win the Superhoop? With that ragtag bunch of no-hopers? I think you grossly overrate your chances, my lady — and with Goliath and the ovinator to help me, I can't begin to overestimate mine!'

And he laughed again, looked at his watch and walked briskly from the hangar. We heard his car start up and drive away.

'Sorry,' said the Cat, still looking the other way. 'I had to think of something quickly. At least this way he didn't win — tonight.'

I sighed.

'You did well, Chesh - I would never have thought of invoking the Blue Fairy.'

'It was quite good, wasn't it?' agreed the Cat. 'Can you smell hot buttered crumpets?'

'No.'

'Me neither. Who are you going to put in mid-field?'

'Biffo, probably,' I said slowly, picking up my automatic from where it had fallen and replacing the clip. 'And Stig as roquet-taker.'

'Ah. Well, good luck and see you soon,' said the Cat, and vanished.

I sighed and looked around at the quiet and empty hangar. The fictional gore and corpses of the Medusa, the Tyrannosaurus and Beowulf had vanished, and apart from the wrecked airship, there was no evidence of the battle that had been fought here. We had scored a victory against Kaine, but not the total victory I had hoped for. I was just walking back towards the exit when I noticed that the Cat had reappeared, balanced on the handle of a pallet trolley.

'Did you say Stig, or fig?' said the Cat.

'I said Stig,' I replied, 'and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.'

'All right,' said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

37

Before the Match

ZVLKX FOLLOWERS HOLD NIGHT-TIME PEACE MARCH

All seventy-six members of the Idolatry Friends of St Zvlkx spent the night silently marching between the places of interest relating to their interworshipful leader, who was hit by a Number 23 bus on Friday. The march began at Tesco's car park and visited places in Swindon that St Zvlkx held most dear - seven pubs, six betting shops and Swindons leading brothel - before undertaking a silent prayer at his plate of death. The march went oft peacefully, except for numerous inertruptions by a woman who gave her name as 'Shirley' and insisted Zvlkx owed her money.

Article in the Swindon Daily Eyestraw, 22 July 1988

I arrived at the croquet stadium at eight. The fans were already waiting at the turnstiles, hoping to get the best seats in the stands. I was waved past and parked my Speedster in the manager's parking spot, then made my way into the changing rooms. Aubrey was waiting there for me, pacing up and down.