I was spared from answering the question by her breath hitching and Tabby yelling, “Okay, that’s the first one. Tell me when it ends so I can set the timer on my phone.”
Seventeen Hours Later…
Cole Townsend had told me that he’d informed his wife that he wanted another baby the second his son was born. Witnessing what I was, I was even more convinced that the man was out of his fucking mind. My penis had crawled inside me and was never coming out again.
“Okay, Tamsin, you’re almost there,” the doctor reassured her as she did that panting shit.
Then the next contraction hit, and it was like she started speaking Swahili with the noises that came out of her. For half of it, I was convinced she was possessed.
“And there we go, baby’s here, Momma,” the doctor called, holding up what looked like something out of a horror movie.
“What the hell’s that all over it?” I cried, taking a step away as they brought it closer to me.
I was never eating jelly, miracle whip, or cream cheese again. That shit was out.
“It’s just what nature does to protect the baby,” the nurse chuckled, wiping it with a towel. “See, it comes off.”
“It’s… I-Is that even sanitary?”
Grabbing the leg of my sweats, Tamsin pulled me to the side of the bed. “You will cut the umbilical cord, hold our baby, and stop being a pussy. Do I make myself clear?”
Moving over to where the guy was holding out a pair of scissors, I checked with the nurse, “Are you going to wipe more of the gunk off it?”
I had a new car, and if it was covered in gunk, I was going to need to put protective sheeting down when we took it home.
“Yes, we’ll clean baby for you, then you can give him a bath when his momma’s ready for it.”
Turning back to the crime scene in front of me, I did my best not to look at where the cord was still attached, but it was fucking hard. I’d had a mental image of me being this strong, alpha man when Tamsin gave birth, the guy who saved the day by getting her through it better than any other father in history. Instead, I was looking at the car crash that used to be my poor, beautiful wife’s vagina, with a bungee cord that attached it to my kid who was covered in crap, trying not to lose my mind.
With a shaky hand, I opened the scissors and moved them to where the doctor was pointing. “Just cut between the two clips here.”
“What happens to the part that’s attached to Tamsin? Does it spring back inside her?”
The doctor chuckled and waved at me to do what I was delaying. “No, the placenta will come out of her with the cord attached, don’t worry.”
Easy for him to say. My wife had a bungee dick, and I was cutting it.
Squeezing down on the scissors, I felt the resistance of whatever the cord was made of. “Holy shit, do they melt down tires to make this?”
It felt like I was using the scissors to saw through it, and then when I was halfway through, my kid started screaming its head off, making me drop them. I swear this was worse than what she’d just been through. Women had no clue what it was like watching it all and then cutting this shit.
Finally, I got all the way through, then bent over, and dry heaved. I’d done so well, but it was happening again. I could face crime scenes and gore, but apparently, for everything else, my stomach was weak.
“You did good, Daddy. Now let’s go and take the baby over there, and you can tell Momma what you’ve got.”
Rubbing my face with both hands, I moved over to where two nurses were smiling and waiting for me. Slowly, they both peeled back the corners of the blanket, and I felt like the biggest freak in the world, focusing on my baby’s crotch and not its face.
The kid had a penis, and fuck me angry looking balls.
“What happened to his nuts? Why do they look so mad?”
“That’s just how they are, Garrett. It’ll settle down, don’t worry.”
Tamsin had been talking to the doctor about something, so she hadn’t heard the news.
“Pretty girl, we’ve got a boy with really pissed off balls.”
The smile that appeared on her face could only be described as pure bliss, and everything we’d gone through over the last seventeen hours faded away. I’m not saying that my own dick had come back out of its hidey-hole, but it was definitely one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
I even managed to carry him over to her without dropping him and then pass him over like I knew what the fuck I was doing.