I almost felt bad at the flash of hurt I saw in his eyes, but I didn’t let the feeling sit with me long because this was the first real conversation we’d had since the memorial at Midnight Mass.
“I promised Lance I would look out for you, and I have to honor that.” I should have known it was some macho bullshit like that.
“You should have been looking out for him,” I said automatically. Angrily. “But I meant what I said, Provo. Mind your own business.”
He opened his mouth, and I knew some words about promises and obligations and responsibility would come flying at me, so I held up a hand to stop them.
“If you wanted to look out for me, you could have helped me find a job. Maybe put me in touch with some friends outside of the military wives who promptly forgot about me. But all you’ve done is growl and scowl at me, so don’t act like you care now.”
His scowl intensified, and Provo leaned in close. “Be careful or you might end up like Fiona.”
“Leave her alone, Provo.”
Evan entered the room, surprising me when he stepped in as my savior. He hovered over Provo with a threatening look on his face. “We don’t harass women at this establishment.”
Provo glanced at me, angry and disgusted. “Whatever,” he groaned before he walked away.
“Don’t worry about Provo,” Evan said softly. “He feels guilty about getting Lance the job, and that might be coloring his reaction to you working here and the attack the other day. And to you and Emmett.”
“You think I’m moving on too soon?”
“Me? Fuck no,” Evan growled. “I think grieving is personal, and we all do what we have to in order to wake up each morning and reach for a little more happiness than we had the day before.”
I had a feeling he wasn’t talking in generic terms.
“Been doing it since the day I lost my mom.”
“I’m sorry about your mother, Evan.”
“Thanks, Nessa.” His lips twisted into a crooked, almost amused smile.
“And I’m sorry Fiona left.”
His gaze darkened and he shook his head. “Yeah, that too. Sometimes life is nothing but a clusterfuck.” I didn’t know how to take that except there was more to the Fiona story than I thought. Had she been fired? Is that why Evan was so grumpy all the time?
“And I’m sorry for being such a dick to you,” Evan said, leaning against the small sink that passed for an employee amenity. “It wasn’t about you. I hope you know that.”
I shrugged it off. “I kind of figured it wasn’t.” He barked out a snort and shook his head. “So, how’s it going?”
“What?” His brows dipped in confusion.
I sighed. “Doing what you have to do to wake up and reach for more happiness than the day before?”
His smile was more genuine this time.
“Some days I’ll make it through the whole day without thinking about them and other days, every smile I see reminds me of mom, or I’ll get a whiff of perfume that reminds me of Fiona. It can be a real shit show.”
I laughed even though it wasn’t funny. “Yeah, it can. Well if you ever want to tell me about them when the memories hit, I’d love to hear about the women who meant so much to you.”
“Yeah? Why do you care?” Evan was back to the grumpy asshole.
“Memories are important and sharing the good ones with another person keeps them alive.”
Evan sized me up, a bemused smile on his face as he shook his head. “You look normal, all pretty and sunshine on the outside, but you are weird as hell, aren’t you?”
I shrugged. “So I’ve been told. So, what happened to Fiona anyway? Did she just up and leave? Have you heard from her?
Evan looked me straight in my eyes and said, “No, and I don’t want to talk about her with you or anyone else. Not now, not ever.”
“Wow. Okay.” I replied, shocked at his intensity.
When Evan walked away, I felt like crap. What was it with Fiona that had everyone so uptight?
I had to get through my first shift after the attack, so I kept a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the night and eventually it became sincere even though my mind was full of two men. Lance and Emmett.
I missed Lance like crazy. He’d been my best friend and my lover for more of my life than he hadn’t. All of my important memories included him, but I couldn’t help but think that my relationship with Emmett was exactly what an adult relationship should be. He was protective, sure, but in a non-suffocating way, and he was eager for me to explore new things. It didn’t threaten him.
A thought that felt traitorous, but not quite as much as it would have a week ago. Or a month ago.