Fucking asshole.
“Okay, well if you’re still feeling bad, you can take some time,” Adam was saying. He was suddenly beside me and I jumped.
“No, that won’t be necessary. I told you I’m fine.” I wanted him to leave so I could go and rip Jeremy’s testicles off.
Adam put his arms around me in a hug. “Take care of yourself, sis. We need you in tip-top shape around here.”
“Because I have the biggest brain,” I joked, all but pushing him out of my office.
Adam stopped before leaving. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I wish people would stop asking me that,” I snapped.
Adam held his hands up. “Sorry.”
He was gone before I could apologize for biting his head off.
Jeremy was still chatting away with Sheila, but she had at least removed her hand from his sleeve. Finally, she left, and Jeremy turned, catching sight of me standing in the doorway.
Our eyes met.
He took a step toward me.
I backed into my office.
And I shut the door.
**
I snuck out before anyone noticed I was leaving. Jeremy had been in meetings all afternoon so we hadn’t spoken. Rob was in court and Adam was on a phone call with a company out of Philadelphia looking for the possible legal retainer.
Whitney was on the phone, so I could do little more than wave as I rushed out the door.
It was almost Christmas. Normally I loved this time of year. The snow. The lights. The excitement and holiday cheer. It was the part of my childhood I never outgrew.
Yet, this year, I couldn’t enjoy it. My inner turmoil made getting into the spirit next to impossible. I hadn’t even put my tree up yet and it was the first week of December.
I went home to my empty, cold apartment feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I was nowhere closer to making a decision about the baby than I was yesterday.
This was ridiculous. I had to snap out of it. Playing woe-is-me was making the situation worse.
I turned on all the lights and started blasting Christmas music from a streaming radio station. I lit my cinnamon and clove candle and then forcing myself to keep busy, I pulled the box containing my fake tree out of the hallway closet.
I struggled to put the thing together, but a few bent branches later, it was standing in all its six-foot glory in the corner of my tiny living room. It was entirely too large for the small space, but I didn’t care.
Next came the lights, then the tinsel, finally the ornaments. My parents bought Adam and me Christmas ornaments every year since we were born. I pulled each one out carefully, laying it on the coffee table.
I imagined doing the same for my child, taking the time to carefully choose the perfect ornament every year to hang on our tree. I wondered what they’d be like. Would they have my eyes and Jeremy’s nose? Would they be into sports or more of a bookworm?
As I pulled out each memory of my childhood, my mind was filled with the possibilities for my own son or daughter. I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears started dripping from my chin.
The doorbell pulled me out of my emotional reverie. Wiping my face, I went to answer the door, expecting Hannah or Whitney.
Though I should have known it would be him.
“Hey baby, I brought some wine.” Jeremy winked as he held up two bottles of my favorite red. Seeing my face, he lowered his arms. “Did I come at a bad time?”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “I’m sort of busy, Jeremy—”
“Come on, we didn’t see each other yesterday or today,” he said quickly. “Can I come in for a little bit?” He peered behind me into the living room. “You’re putting up Christmas decorations? I can help, you know.”
The thought of putting ornaments on a tree together made me feel warm inside. I felt myself softening and I started to open the door wider to let him in.
“I can’t stay long. I’m supposed to be meeting some of the guys from Nortech who just put us on retainer. The CTO got ringside tickets to a boxing match in Philly, then we’re heading to a new club that just opened. But I wanted to see you before I went.” Jeremy started to lean in to kiss me, but I backed away.
“So, you’re going out partying but you wanted to get a piece before you went?” I spat out.
Jeremy straightened. “I wouldn’t call it partying, but yeah, I’m going out. Why is that a big deal? It’s a work thing.”
“A work thing involving getting drunk and going to a club? Sure.” I pressed my lips into a thin, unyielding line and crossed my arms over my chest defensively. All fuzzy thoughts of trimming the tree and maybe snuggling on the couch together like a real couple popped like a soap bubble.