It was the last person I expected to hear from.
It was my mother.
I had only spoken to her a couple of days ago. She had asked if I was coming up for the holidays. She asked every year and every year I gave her the same answer; as long as that man lived there, I would never step foot in that house. I knew it broke my mom’s heart, but it was better I didn’t breathe the same air as the piece of shit I shared DNA with.
I had promised to call Mom on Christmas, so to see her calling so soon after our last conversation was unusual.
“Hey, Mom, I’m just walking out the door—”
“He’s gone,” Mom interrupted, her voice wavering.
I had to swallow my frustrated sigh. Of course, she was calling about my dad leaving again. What else was new? “Give it a few days, you know he’ll be back—”
She cut me off again. “You don’t understand. He’s left for good this time. Actually, I kicked him out. He took his stuff. I dropped off the rest at Goodwill.”
Her words stopped me in my tracks. “You kicked Dad out?” I asked incredulously. “Why?”
“Because I was tired of being treated like garbage. I’ve been seeing a counselor,” she revealed, shocking the hell out of me.
“You have? Since when?” I sat down on the couch, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. Why hadn’t she told me this when we spoke a few days ago?
“Wanda, next door, recommended this woman to me. She works over at the women’s shelter. She’s been wonderful. I’ve had to be careful your dad didn’t know I was meeting with her. But she’s been helping me realize that what your dad has been doing to me over the years isn’t right. What he’s done to both of us.” Her words shook but there was a strength I hadn’t heard in years.
“Mom, that’s wonderful,” I said slowly, not sure if this would stick. I’d seen firsthand the toxic rollercoaster that was my parent’s marriage.
“I’m so sorry, Jeremy. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the mother you needed me to be. That I let him treat you as badly as he treated me. I can work through all the ways he’s hurt me, but I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for standing by and allowing him to hurt you.” Her strength wavered, and the tears started.
“Mom, it’s okay—”
“No, it’s not!” she stated firmly. “It most certainly is not okay. A parent’s job in life is to take care of their child. I failed you, my baby boy. I failed at the one job that mattered.”
I was struck speechless. I never thought I’d hear my mother speak like this. It was both a relief and gut-wrenching. I hated hearing the self-recrimination in her voice. I loved her too much to stand how she berated herself. She had dealt with enough of that from my father.
“I’ve had to look long and hard at myself in the mirror and I’m not happy with what I see. Making your father leave was only the first step. Repairing our relationship is next. And it’s the most important. Will you let me fix this?” Her voice trembled and I felt the little boy inside me reach out for her.
“I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, Mom,” I told her.
“I know,” she sniffed. “You’ve always been the best and brightest light in my life. The fact that I almost allowed that light to be snuffed out tears me apart.” Her sobs tore at my heart.
“Don’t cry, Mom. Please,” I said softly. “I turned out okay, don’t blame yourself for things you can’t change.”
“How can I not blame myself when I wasn’t there when you needed me?” she asked.
I didn’t have an answer for that. There was too much baggage between us to deny what she was saying. I had a lot of bitterness and regret when it came to my mother, but for the first time, I felt the darkness inside me that I always associated with my family, lighten a bit.
“Can you come home, Jer? I want to be strong enough to make this stick. I don’t want to let him come back here. I’ve had enough. I’ve lost so much time with you…” Her words tapered off and I could hear her crying harder this time. “I need my boy.” Her voice was ragged, but with determination I had never heard from her before.
What could I say to that? This was a turning point for my mother. She needed me.
And I needed to make this part of my past right before I could think about my future.
“Of course, Mom. I’ll be there in an hour.”
“Will you stay for Christmas? We haven’t had a Christmas together since you left home.” She sounded so hopeful.