Say It's Not Fake

“I’ve gotten my own place. It’s nice, Web. Two bedrooms too. There’s a great park down the road …” her words tapered off.

“Why does that matter? Why do I care if there’s a playground down the road? Katie’s here, Josie. Not in fucking Florida.” I felt myself getting angry, despite my vow to remain calm when dealing with my ex.

“You don’t have to be like that, Web. You know I’ve struggled. Things have been hard. I’m trying here—”

“And it’s not good enough, Josie. You think I haven’t struggled? Do you think it hasn’t been hard for me? Jesus, you’re so damn selfish.” I ran a hand through my hair.

“We need to talk about some things. We really do. I—” I could hear shuffling around and knew her attention was waning. “Look, I have to go. Please email me the scan of my birth certificate, and I’ll text you my new address so you can put it in the mail. Thanks, Web. And let’s make time to talk through some things soon.”

Before I could say anything, she hung up.

I flung my phone down on the pillow. My entire body vibrated with barely contained rage, which was how I usually felt after talking to Josie. Well, I was up now, might as well get in the shower and get dressed. With all this extra time, I could make Katie her favorite pancakes for breakfast.

I tried to put the conversation with Josie out of my head, but something bothered me about it. It felt as if she were building up to something, which didn’t sit well with me.

I admitted to myself that she sounded better than she had in a while. Clearer. Focused. I was glad she was interviewing for jobs and got a place of her own. I had never cared for her mother, and their relationship wasn’t exactly healthy. But that also meant Josie was staying in Florida indefinitely. And that also meant there were no plans of her being a full-time mom to Katie.

I hated it for my little girl, but it was probably for the best. It was Meg that put it succinctly after Josie left, and I was heartsick worrying whether I was up to the job of being a single dad and whether Katie would suffer for not having a mom in her life.

“Web, it’s better for Katie to be surrounded by people who put her needs first.” We had been sitting out on the patio behind her and Adam’s house. Adam was getting the meat to put on the grill, and Katie, who was only six months old, was wrapped up, asleep, in the pack n’ play I brought with me everywhere.

“That’s easy to say now. But what about later, Meg? What about when Katie is old enough to question where Josie is and why she isn’t around?” I was a wreck. I wasn’t sleeping—Katie was up half the night—and I was scared to death I was going to screw this whole parenting thing up.

Meg reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. Galloway—now Decate—was the touchy-feely kind. She had always been all hugs and squeezes. I was the same. I had always been a physically demonstrative guy. She gave me a sweet smile while gripping my hand. “There are people in her life who love her, who will be there and stay there. Josie bouncing in and out of her life will be worse for her in the long run. And sure, she’ll grow up and wonder where her mother is. She’ll hurt and wonder if she wasn’t enough to keep her around. But she’ll have you, and she’ll know that your love for her is everything.”

I’m not too manly to admit I had to swallow back tears. I had always been emotional, and since Katie entered my life, I became a big pile of mush.

I sat on my bed, still reeling from my conversation with Josie. It was too early to be dealing with this shit.

I stood up and stretched, reaching for the sweatshirt I had flung over the back of the armchair in the corner the night before and pulled it over my head. Careful not to make any noise as I walked past Katie’s room, I tip-toed downstairs. The sun hadn’t come up yet, but the sky was starting to brighten with that early morning hazy light that I saw too often now that I had a kid.

I went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker, wiping the last of the sleep from my eyes. While I waited for the coffee to brew, I leaned against the counter and surveyed the large, open room. I remembered when I bought the house. It wasn’t long after I started my business. Josie and I were together, and it was way before Katie.