To Have and to Hate

“Did you move out of the apartment today?”

I take a long breath before replying quietly. “Yes.”

“Why? I don’t…I’m just confused. Are you in New York still? Did something happen? Are your parents okay?”

My heart breaks “No—yes. Everything is fine. I mean, I’m assuming they’re fine. I just—”

“What?”

“I’m still in the city.”

“Okay…”

Neither one of us speaks after that. I make no rush to fill the silence, and he takes a moment to process the news. Then, he laughs sadly, and I wince.

“I thought I had it wrong,” he continues. “I assumed there was no way you’d wait until I left for work, pack your things, and move out without so much as a goodbye.”

I gulp, realizing it doesn’t sound so good from his perspective. He’s twisted it to see the evil, but I was helping him, helping us to make all this easier. “It seems callous when you say it like that, but you have to understand, I thought it was the best option after last night.”

“The best option would have been the exact opposite, Elizabeth,” he chides. “A phone call to my office and I would have been home immediately. We could have talked about whatever’s going on. I know you were upset last night, and I gave you space. I assumed we’d discuss everything today.”

There’s that fear again, rearing its ugly head. To him, it makes so much sense. Let’s talk so I can explain the situation to you and watch as I break your heart firsthand. What could possibly be the issue?

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I reply quietly.

“So…what? You’re running away? Terrell said you left for a trip? Help me make sense of this.”

“I’m not running away. I’m getting my own place in the city, continuing with the plan I had when I first arrived in New York, before I married you at the courthouse.”

“Right. I guessed as much when I found your ring on my desk.”

My chin trembles as I rub the heel of my palm against my chest.

I left it there this morning, and now, I imagine him twisting it in his fingers as he studies it. It fills me with so much anguish thinking I might have inadvertently hurt him that I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping to make this all disappear. “It didn’t feel right to take it with me.”

He puffs out a heavy sigh. “So this is…a breakup?”

“We were going to get divorced anyway,” I point out.

“Divorced?” He sounds almost relieved as he rushes to continue. “Is that what this is about? The conversation in the library last night? Jesus, you could have just said something—”

“Stop saying that!” I explode. “I know you think it would have been so easy for me to just communicate and say exactly the right thing at the right moment, but I’m not some perfect robot, Walt. I can only exist the way I know how. This is extremely uncomfortable for me.”

“Please try to explain it to me,” he pleads with desperation.

“I don’t want to sit here and talk about our divorce. Don’t you get that? Don’t you understand that it might have really freaked me out to realize I fell in love with a man who was only ever playing at being my husband? The last few days, you and I…we—”

“Elizabeth.”

He says my name the same way a lover would caress my cheek, and I know if I open my mouth, tears will accompany my words, and I don’t want that to happen. The last thing I want is to seem even more childish in his eyes.

“I’ve got to go,” I say quickly.

“Don’t hang up!” he booms.

“What do you want me to say?!” I fling my arm in the air as the truth starts to erupt out of me. “We got fake married! We said vows in a courthouse and they didn’t mean a thing. Don’t you think I know that? And now look at me! I was the idiot who accidentally forgot to hate you. My guard slipped and day by day you just…you made it impossible to not fall in love with you. I actually thought to myself, Well isn’t this nice? Loving the person I’m married to—won’t that work out in my favor?!”

He tries to cut me off, but there is no cutting me off at this point. He opened the valve and now everything is spilling out of me in one big catastrophic rush.

“When I signed those stupid papers your lawyers sent over, I thought we’d be married forever.” I laugh sarcastically as tears spill down my face. “How dumb am I?!”

“Would you please stop? You’re not dumb—”

“Oh my god.” I feel like I’m hyperventilating as embarrassment bleeds into sorrow. “I can’t believe I really thought that.” I’m sliding off the bed quickly, starting to pace, pressing my palm to my forehead as I seem to come to all these realizations at once. “I can’t believe I assumed a man like you would just get forced into a marriage and not have a backup plan. You probably knew this wouldn’t last all along. What were the last few days to you? A nice little bit of entertainment? A way to pass the time while your lawyers drafted the divorce papers?”