shopping done if I went on a kissing
spree. A word of advice:
Never shop on crank.
Your brain moves beyond the
speed of light as you wander through
a familiar store. First, you can’t find Juniors.
Once you finally do, you need the restroom first,
then you get all turned around again.
Then, you can barely take it
all in. Sizes. Styles.
Colors. Trends.
Everything looks great on
those goofy mannequins, so it’s got to look
better on you, right? You grab an armful, stumble to a
dressing room, try on all those darling clothes
and nothing you like fits. So you leave silk
and velour and suede behind, settle
for two identical pairs of jeans.
Then you hustle off to the
next store and repeat the process,
only this time you leave with a couple of
tees exactly like a couple you bought last year.
And when you realize that, you laugh your
butt off, but really don’t want to hassle
with returns or exchanges so you
decide to accessorize instead.
A Second Word of Advice
If shopping for clothes on crank
is dumb, trolling for jewelry,
belts, and shoes is something