Friend-Zoned (Friend-Zoned 1)

He laughs, “Yep. I have. I was dating this girl in high school and every time I closed my eyes I’d see Christie Brinkley. ” Everyone laughs with him and he asks, “Okay, Nat. If I were a food what would I be and how would you eat me?”

A loud chorus of Ooooooh crosses the booth.

Nat takes it all in stride and says, “Well, I guess you’d be an ice cream. ” She looks at Max with lowered eyes and makes her voice sultry. “I loooove ice cream. I like to lick it up slowly, especially when it runs down the cone. ” She takes Max’s hand and licks his finger slowly. Max’s eye flutter closed and he looks like he’s in pain.

We’re all laughing so hysterically.

Ghost doesn’t look impressed.

Nat puts Max’s hand in his lap and he adjusts himself through his pants. “Damn girl, you gave me a semi. ” She bursts out laughing and says, “Okay, Nik. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?”

He stretches his arms over his head and smiles. “When I was in fourth grade I had a crush on my teacher. ” He chuckles at himself. “I wanted her to be my girlfriend. So, one afternoon I went to her house with flowers and candy. I rang the doorbell. ” He puts a hand over his face. “And her husband answered the door. I dropped the shit and ran like hell. ” After we stop laughing, he says, “Mimi, have you ever masturbated?”

Trick puts his arm around her and tells her, “Coz you know I’d be happy to help. ”

She flashes a huge grin and says, “Yep. At least twice a week. Sorry guys but sometimes you just need to please yourself. ” The guys groan in agony. Mimi asks, “Lola, who was the first guy you let touch your boobs?”

Lola looks up and thinks hard. She tells us, “I think I was fifteen and barely had any boobs. It was my cousin’s best friend Frankie, he was sixteen and he gave me my first kiss and went in for a feelski. I didn’t mind though ‘coz he was hot. ” She looks around the table. “Meanwhile, I saw him at church the other week. He was sporting a bald head and a pot belly! So lucky I didn’t end up with him. Trick, have you ever peed in a pool?”

Trick leans back in his chair with a goofy grin and says, “Yep! Just the other day at the gym. ”

We all scoff in disgust and he defends himself with, “It don’t matter, all the chemicals kill the pee! Max, what was the worst pick up line you ever used and did it work?”

Max smiles and says,“I told a girl once I’d lost my bed and asked if I could borrow hers. She wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But I did get laid that night. ”

We all boo and hiss. Max looks right at me and asks, “Teeny Tina, have you ever watched porn?”

Crap on a biscuit!

“Uh. I- Uh. ” I cover my face with my hands and nod. I hear everyone laugh and can feel Nik’s arm tighten around my body shaking. I drop my hands and turn my flushed face and bright red neck to Ghost. “Ghost, what kind of underwear are you wearing?”

Ghost smirks at me and answers quietly, “I would tell you if I were wearin’ any. ”

The girls whoop and the guys groan. He just smiles and asks, “Lola, what’s the strangest name someone’s asked to call you in bed?”

Lola’s shoulders shake with silent laughter and she replies, “There was a guy who called me puppy and wanted me to bark like a dog. ” Her body shakes and tears fall down her smiling face. “I didn’t like him enough to put up with that shit. ” Lola looks at Trick with a shy smile and asks, “Trick, what do you find most sexy in a woman?”

He looks up at her with a slow smile. It’s a genuine smile and says softly, “I’m not sure, little Lola. Look in a mirror and let me know. ”

We all whoop and Lola blushes as red as a tomato.

Trick looks at Nik and smirks, “What’s the fastest you’ve ever come?” Everyone bursts into laughter. Nik chuckles and says, “I think the first time I ever had sex I lasted about twenty seconds. ” We’re all in hysterics. Nik interrupts our laughter with, “I’d like to let everyone know I’ve vastly improved since then!”

Nik tugs my hair and I’m afraid to look at him. I know I’m next. He asks, “Tina, how many men have you slept with?” The whole table quiets down and my girls send me sympathetic smiles. I clear my throat and answer, “I’ve only ever slept with one guy. And it was a while ago. ” I feel Nik’s body still against me.

Max looks shocked but continues to probe, “Well then that question’s not valid. When is the last time you had sex?”

Thirty seconds pass and I hold up my hand extending my thumb and all my fingers. Max looks at my hand and says, “Five months? That’s rough. ”

Nat shifts in her chair. Lola looks at the table. Mimi shoots me an apologetic look.

I whisper, “F- Five years. ” I feel Nik’s body stiffen. Rock solid.

The silence is deafening. And I think I saw a tumble weed roll past.

Max whispers loudly, “No Fuckin’ Way!” He leans closer to me and asks, “How are you not masturbating at the table right now?! You must have a will of steel. That’s amazing, babe. ” He sounds respectful.

Ahh, Thanks Max.