Friend-Zoned (Friend-Zoned 1)

She makes a phone with her hand and puts it to her ear. Let’s call the cops.

I point to my wrist in the universal sign of time and shake my head. No, it will take too long for them to get here.

She puts her fists up in a boxing stance. Should we fight them?

I use my index and middle finger to point in both my eyes then wave my hand around the room. Sure, if we can find something to fight with.

A thump comes from my bedroom and we both stiffen in fright. I grab the closest thing to me. I don’t even look at it. It’s long and thin. I see Nat grab an encyclopedia off my bookshelf and holds it high over her head.

We tiptoe to my bedroom door holding hands. My heart is racing a mile a minute. This is not Bear. I know Bear sounds.

We stand at the door with our weapons raised and wait. The door opens.

It’s on.

I reach behind my head with my weapon and smack the tall person over the head repeatedly. Nat does the same with her trusty encyclopedia. We do this while shrieking our heads off.

The tall person has fallen backwards. I stand over them and repeatedly hit them on the legs and chest with my long defensive instrument as hard as I can. The man is yelling, “Ow, stop it!” and “Fuck, Tina, quit hittin’ me!”

Wait.

Robbers don’t usually know the people they’re robbing, right?

I reach over with a shaking hand and flip on the light.

Max is on the floor in a fetal position moaning and groaning. He has a bloody nose and busted lip.

I haven’t even noticed Nat has disappeared til I look behind me. Ghost has her wrapped up in his arms, one hand over her mouth. And get this. He looks like he wants to burst out laughing.

Of all things!

I want to hit him, so I do.

I reach over and smack him right over the head with my stick thing. Which I now see is a mop.

He rubs his head and his body shakes with silent laughter. He says, “What are you gonna do, clean me to death?”

Ghost releases Nat and we both crouch over Max. I’m can’t believe we beat him up.

“Max, honey, are you okay?” I touch his face and he looks up at me.

He must the worry in my eyes. He responds, “Fuck, am I proud of you. ”

Um, what?

“What?” I don’t hide my confusion.

Max whispers, “Didn’t even quit fighting. Not for a second. Balls of steel, teeny Tina. ” He smiles big revealing blood stained teeth.

Oh, yeah. He’s left the building.

I turn to Ghost and sigh, “Can you get him on the sofa so I can clean him up?”

He smirks at Max but nods.

I go into the kitchen to retrieve my first aid kit when someone knocks on the door.

Just great.