Friend-Zoned (Friend-Zoned 1)

Nik’s body stiffens next to mine.

Avoiding his gaze, I play with my soup and continue quietly saying, “She—she would’ve been five this year. Her name was Mia. And she was beautiful, Nik. ” My throat thickens with emotion. I whisper, “So damn beautiful, Nik. You would’ve loved her. ” My eyes mist and my nose tingles. I’m having a tough time controlling my emotions but I do the best I can.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

The soup bowl clinks when he puts it down on the table. He places my soup on the table before he scoops me up and cradles me.

His lips against my forehead, he asks quietly, “What happened to Mia, baby?”

Taking a second to control the anguish that settles in my solar plexus, I clear my throat and respond, “Mom took her out for a morning walk. They did that every day. Mom had Mia in her stroller and was crossing at a crosswalk when a car careened into them. ” Memories of the horrific event flash through me. Tears fill my eyes and I whisper hoarsely ,“Mom must’ve seen it coming at the last second because she threw her body in front of the stroller. But it didn’t make a difference because the kid who crashed into them was in shock and didn’t brake right away. They were dragged some while. He was texting and driving. Wasn’t even watching the road, Nik. ” The sobs that threaten break free and I croak, “Even though Mom got hit first, she lived for three days before she gave up her fight. My baby died at the scene. Turns out she was also born with hemophilia. She got that from me. And she bled out. In her fucking stroller, Nik. My baby went out for her morning walk and died. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is knowing my mom is somewhere in the clouds playing peek-a-boo with Mia. The stroller was lodged under his front bumper. I had to have a closed casket for her. ” My tortured memories break through. I rock myself and rasp, “The right side of her pretty face was gone, Nik. Her casket was pink and so tiny. No one should have to make caskets that tiny. Jace didn’t even show up for her funeral. ”

I spent months having nightmares about Mia’s last moments. What was she thinking? Did she understand what was happening? How long did she experience horrifying pain before she died?

Anxiety held me immobile at times. Then came the panic attacks. There was a short time when I thought I’d have to be institutionalized to control my grief.

Every night for months I would go to sleep and wake hearing Mia’s cries. Desperation would leave me clawing at my ears and pulling out chunks of my hair, begging and pleading for them to stop. It was all in my head but it felt so real. Nothing would drown them out.

He asks, “Jace was Mia’s daddy?”

I nod. I breathe deeply and reply shakily, “Yeah, Jace was Mia’s daddy. I was young when we met in college. We were together for two perfect years. He was my first and I thought we’d get married someday. I saw him as perfect for me. We goofed around, enjoyed each other’s company and supported each other. When I found out I was pregnant and told Jace, he told me he needed time to think about it. He asked for some space. That should’ve been my first clue. So, I gave him three days. When I went to his apartment…it was gutted. ” Nik’s body tenses hard but I continue, “Not a picture left on the wall. This was someone who told me daily he loved me. And I believed him. I called his mother trying to find him. She didn’t know where he was. Jace’s parents saw Mia a few times a year and loved her so much. Jace lost contact with his family but I still involved them in Mia’s life. They were at every Christmas and birthday. Jace was just…gone. ”

Nik remains silent. I’m worried this is too much for him. But if we’re seriously involved I don’t want any secrets between us.

It was time.

Nik finally says, “This

is why you don’t want any more children. ” This is a statement.

Nodding, I whisper, “I can’t go through that, Nik. Never again. My heart broke in a way that the pieces just won’t fit back together. ” I’m desperate for him to understand.

Nik kisses my forehead and says quietly, “I’m so sorry, baby. No one should ever have to experience what you did. Not only losing your baby, but your mom, too. That—I can’t—I can’t even begin to imagine what you were going through, sweetheart. ”

The heaviness that has been resting on me has been replaced with a lighter swirling of emotions.

Relief. Fear. Love.

I don’t want to be pitied. Pity from Nik would tear me up.

Lifting my eyes to his, I plead, “Don’t pity me. ”

Nik shakes his head slowly and replies, “I don’t pity you, baby. But, fuck me, I feel so much sadness for you right now. And love. And admiration. ” He tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and goes on, “I don’t know how you got through it all. But I respect you so damn much right now. The kid thing makes sense to me, too. I don’t know how I would’ve coped if we’d lost Ceecee after her accident. I’m so sorry you lost your little girl, baby. I love you, Tina. ”

His kiss fills me with hope. This is so much more than I thought I needed. I didn’t even realize it.

I love Nik so much.

A small, damaged part of my heart fixes itself.

***

After my confessions to Nik, I ended up spending the night there.

Ceecee and Max come home to soup for dinner and I was surprised they both seemed happy with that. Normal people wouldn’t think it was enough. But Max explained, “We only ever get soup when we’re sick so we barely ever get it. ”

After they ate Nik and I excused ourselves and went to bed. We held each other close all night, kissed and cuddled. It was perfect. Just what I needed.

This morning we’re both back at work. Nat has opened the store and it’s empty.