Love Thy Neighbour (Friend-Zoned 2)

***

Closing my eyes, I lean my head back on the cool bathroom mirror.

When I think enough time has passed, I pick up the stick and gasp.

No fucking way.

I’m pregnant.

Chapter Thirty

Everything happens for a reason

Six months later…

My stomach aches. My back hurts. I haven’t brushed my hair today or my teeth. Wearing no makeup and dressed in sweats, I sit next to Ash and wait.

Always waiting.

I hate the fucking wait. It makes me nervous as hell.

Pulling my hands into the arms of my sweater, I wrap my arms around myself and go somewhere deep within myself. Somewhere safe and happy. In the void that is my mind.

I haven’t been happy for six months, and it’s taking its toll on my marriage.

Ash loves me and I love him just as much. I know he would do anything for me, but right now, no one can do a thing for me. I’m stuck in my head. In my thoughts. Somewhere I promised I’d never be again.

Faking my happy.

Lifting my thumb to my mouth, I bite my nail and mutter, “What’s taking so long?”

Ash sighs. “Not sure, baby. Hang in there. ” He tries to put his hand on my shoulder, but I move away from his touch. I don’t want anyone to touch me.

His hand stills mid-air, closes into a fist and pulls away. I know I’m hurting him but I don’t know how else to be. This is hard and emotionally draining.

The door opens and I sit straighter. Dr. Tanya Rowley, a mature sweet lady, walks in and greets us with a small smile. I like Tanya and I’ve been seeing a lot of her. Enough to know that today’s news is not going to be good.

The bridge of my nose tingles and my bottom lip quivers. Tanya says softly, “I’m so sorry. ”

My heart is breaking.

I give up.

Ash puts his arms around me and this time I let him. This is hurting him as much as it’s hurting me. I sob quietly into his chest and Tanya says, “Two miscarriages in such a short time are too many. We need to be thinking about you and your health, too. ”

Nodding slightly, I look up at her. She hands me some tissue and explains, “The first natural conception can often lead to a miscarriage. You would be surprised - quite a lot of first pregnancies end in miscarriage in the early stages. While your first round of IVF worked for conception…I’m sorry, but I don’t recommend we use IVF again. ”

Looking right at me, she says, “I can see the effect this is having on you, Natalie. The state this whole situation is putting you in…I think you need a break. I wish the circumstances were different, but with the aggressive type of PCOS you have, conceiving will always be difficult, and there is no guarantee you’ll ever make it to full term. This is no longer a question of whether you can conceive. We know you can. The problem lies with carrying to term. ” She sighs and looks between me and Ash. “By the emotional state you’re in now, my recommendation is to give it a rest for a while before we discuss more options. Take a month to yourselves without having to worry about this. Reconnect as a couple and talk through what you’re feeling. ”

I dip my head. I know she’s saying this to me, not Ash. It’s true. I’ve been pulling away from him.

After I miscarried the second time, I left, went back to Cali without even telling him. I called him when I got there and he was dumbstruck. He was so disappointed in me, and I could feel it radiating off him even through the phone. In anger, he told me I was selfish and acting like a spoilt brat.

He was right.

When he calmed down, he begged me to come home. I could hear the strain in his voice. When I refused, he asked me if I thought that I was the only one being affected by the loss, but I couldn’t answer him. All I could think about was me. When I’m hurting, I become irrational and selfish.

My parents and sisters tried to reason with me to no avail. It got to the point where Helena, who is normally my champion, yelled at me to stop being self-centered and to think about what I just left my husband to deal with on his own. I burst into tears at that. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I forgot all about Ash not having family to talk to about it. I know he has Nik, Max and Trick, but he doesn’t talk emotions with the guys. I caught the next flight home and as soon as I walked through the door, he looked up at me from the sofa through glassy eyes and stated in a whisper, “I’m losing you. ”