Widow's Web (Elemental Assassin 7)

I didn't say the words, but they hung in the air between us, weighing everything down, weighing us down, with their many ugly implications.

Owen shook his head. "No, you just didn't trust me enough to do what needed to be done where Salina was concerned. You didn't trust me at all, Gin. Not with her. When we went to Blue Marsh, and you ran into Donovan again, I trusted you to make the right choice. I trusted in your love for me. I trusted you not to hurt me. I expected the same courtesies in return, but you didn't give them to me with Salina. "

I didn't say anything at first. I couldn't, because his words were too true. I hadn't trusted him with Salina because I hadn't wanted to get my heart broken when he chose her over me. When you cared about someone, you gave them the power to hurt you, and I'd feared that Owen would throw away my concern just like Donovan had once done. Deep down, I knew it was irrational, that Owen was nothing like Donovan, but I'd still felt that paralyzing fear all the same.

"But I did trust you," I replied. "Did I have doubts? Sure. Was I worried that Salina was coming between us? Absolutely. But I handled all that as best I could. Even when you went to see her alone, I came after you - and that's when I heard you tell Salina that she could leave Ashland. That wasn't what we agreed on. Not at all. You didn't tell me what you were really going to say to her, so I'd say that you didn't trust me either. "

To that, he didn't say anything. He couldn't, because my words were as true as his had been a moment ago. For once, I let my emotions show. Let him see my clenched jaw, the tightness in my face, the cold, harsh accusations in my eyes. I let him see my anger and my hurt and my disappointment - in him.

"I'll admit that I was jealous of her," I finally said in a soft voice. "She was everything that I'm not, and she was a part of your past that you couldn't seem to let go of. That maybe you didn't want to let go of. "

Owen sighed. "Salina and I were finished the moment she first hurt Eva, even if I didn't realize it back then. But as soon as she came back to Ashland, I should have made it crystal clear to her that we were long over - and to you too. I thought I did that day at the Pork Pit. But that doesn't change the fact that you killed her, Gin. Right in front of me. I asked you not to, and you killed her anyway. "

"I didn't kill her for you. So I could have you or keep you. "

No, I killed Salina for Eva, for Kincaid, for Cooper - and for myself too and everything she represented to me. What I could have become if not for Fletcher. Maybe what I was anyway.

Owen's face tightened. "I know that. Over these past few months, I've watched you do what you thought needed to be done, no matter how dangerous it was. Even when other people told you not to do something or tried to get you to stop, you went ahead and did what you thought was right anyway. "

"Is there something wrong with that?"

He shook his head. "I can't say that there is. Not after I've seen how you've helped people. But I never thought you would tune me out the way you sometimes do Bria, Jo-Jo, and even Finn. I never thought I would ask you for something - something important - and you would just ignore me. "

I could have protested. I could have told him that he was wrong. That I listened to my family and friends, that I didn't just tune them out, but he was partially right. Because in the end, someone had to make the hard decisions, had to do the dirty work, had to be the bad guy, and, like it or not, it seemed that quite often that someone was me.

I thought about telling him what I'd promised Eva, about how I'd promised his baby sister that I would protect Owen no matter what - even from himself, if it came down to that. But I kept my mouth shut. Owen had to accept what I'd done on his own and not just because I wanted him to. He had to forgive me on his own terms, in his own way, and not because I gave him an excuse to.

We didn't speak for several minutes. Outside, folks went about their day, talking on their phones, getting into their cars, driving home, but inside the restaurant, it was like Owen and I were frozen in place, stuck in this one awful moment, and not sure where we went from here. I could almost see our future swinging back and forth like a clock pendulum.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Together, apart. Together, apart.

"So where does all of this leave us?" I finally asked.

Silence. Then -

"I need . . . I need some time, Gin. To think about things. You. Me. Us. "

Those were the words I'd been dreading hearing, and they caused my heart to crack, splinter, and disintegrate into black dust, leaving a hollow, cavernous space in my chest, an ache that just pulsed and pulsed and pulsed with pain.

Owen hesitated. "And it's not just about Salina. It's about me too. All these years, I believed her lies, and I hurt Eva, Phillip, and Cooper because of it - and you too. Because I believed in Salina when I shouldn't have. I feel like such a fucking fool. I said before that you didn't trust me. Maybe you were right not to, because I've clearly been wrong about this most basic thing. I just - I just don't know anymore. What to do, what to say, what to feel about any of this. "

Bitterness colored his voice, and the guilt he was feeling made him grind his teeth together. His mouth twisted with disgust - at himself.

I wanted to reach out to him, wanted to put my hand on top of his and tell him that it wasn't his fault. That Salina had fooled a lot of people.

But I didn't.

I knew that I had to give Owen some space. I had to give him some time to come to terms with what had happened, work through everything, and settle it for himself. He had to come back to me on his own, he had to find his way back to me on his own. Otherwise, we'd never truly recover, and we'd only be going through the motions, pretending to love each other, and it would eventually eat away at and undermine everything we had together. I'd rather have lost Owen completely than have had him by my side when I knew he didn't really want to be there.

And the truth was that I needed some time too - time to think about Salina, what she'd meant to Owen, and how I felt about all that. I needed some time to convince myself that I wasn't like Salina, that Mab hadn't ruined me the way she had the water elemental, that she hadn't twisted me into something sad, dangerous, and grotesque.

That I wasn't a threat to the people I loved.

Owen slid out of the booth and got to his feet. I did the same. He started to go, but I caught his hand in mine. He turned to meet my gaze.

"I understand," I said, "and you take as much time as you need. But know this, Owen. I love you. Now, today, tomorrow. That won't ever change, no matter what happens between us. "

I moved closer, cupped his face in my hands, and kissed him.