Mine to Possess (Psy-Changeling 4)

Her world rocked on its axis, a hidden door in her mind slamming wide open. All these years she'd told herself she was staying away from him because of the scars of violence, because she didn't want to hurt him, because of so many things. But in this one moment, this instant of absolute clarity, she knew the truth.

She hadn't run because she'd been afraid of Clay.

She'd run because she'd been afraid of being loved that much, terrified that she would lose the precious gift of it when Clay finally saw the reality of who she was - a used-up, discarded bit of trash, what Orrin had made her, good for only one thing.

So she had left him first.

Chapter 31

Ashaya checked through the records and found well over a hundred names. It was far more than she had expected, far more than could be explained by even the most convoluted idea of research. Why had Ming let this continue? Larsen's research theories made no rational sense, and, its murderous tendencies aside, the Council did not waste time on useless endeavors.

She began to examine the list with a closer eye. It was the first time she had seen it.

Just like the meeting with Jonquil Duchslaya had been the first time she had spoken to one of the children. Larsen had been very, very careful - at least at the start. As far as she could figure, the majority of the children had been experimented on at one of the Council's covert northern labs.

However, the base of operations had been moved to this lab after it went fully functional - without her agreement or knowledge. Not only had the parties responsible shown a flagrant disregard for her status as the lab's head scientist, once here, they had made less than a token effort to hide their actions. They must have thought her oblivious to what was going on because she spent so much time in her private research areas.

They hadn't been far off the mark, but for the wrong reasons. It didn't matter. Because of her delay in realizing the truth, several children had died, in her lab. Two more remained - the boy, Jonquil Duchslaya, and the girl, Noor Hassan. Ashaya stared at the files and knew that they would meet the same fate if she didn't prevent it.

She didn't feel pity for them. She was Psy. She didn't feel anything. However, the fact that one of her putative research assistants was doing this without her authorization made this about who held the reins of power. Which was why she wasn't going to go to Ming and complain. Nor was she going to take Larsen to task.

This was the opportunity she'd been waiting for. If her strategy worked, then not only would these children survive, the Psy Council would no longer have anything with which to coerce her cooperation.

That thought in mind, she began the journey that would lead her upstairs and to the cornfields outside. The guards were becoming accustomed to her daily walks, exactly as she'd planned. Of course, her plan of misdirection was hampered by the fact that she had a very short period in which to lay the groundwork. But the haste couldn't be helped, not if Jonquil and Noor were to walk out alive.

Some might have said she didn't want the children to die because she'd somehow retained a conscience, even in the depths of Silence. Ashaya would have disagreed. She had no conscience, no heart - like her own son, Jonquil and Noor were nothing more than bargaining chips.

All she had to do now was find a party willing to negotiate their release.

Chapter 32

Night had fallen in a soft whisper, but Talin hardly noticed. She sat at the small breakfast table on the second floor of the lair, her mind still spinning with the realization she'd had mere hours ago. She wanted to deny it but it rang with the clarity of absolute truth, a truth she had to understand. Yes, her fear of watching Clay turn from her in disgust had been at the root of her actions, but that fear had been tangled up with so many other threads.

She had been on the cusp of womanhood when she'd run from Clay with that most brutal of lies - young, confused, lost. Now that she was willing to see, it was stark that in her confusion, she had mixed up the protective fury of Clay's love with the jealous rage she'd seen in Orrin. That twelve-year-old girl who had missed Clay so desperately had also been terrified that he would destroy her trust if she let him back into her life. The memories of Clay protecting her, keeping her safe, laughing with her, had been the only treasures she'd had left.

Even that wasn't the whole story. It was too simple, and she was through with hiding. The unforgiving reality was that in spite of her youth, she must have subconsciously known that he wouldn't be an easy man to love. No, Clay was hard through and through. But he had loved her enough to put everything on the line - his sanity, his freedom, his pride. All so important to a dominant predatory changeling. She didn't know what he felt for her now, but she knew it was time to hold up her end of the bargain. To love him enough. Enough to not let fear stop her, whatever guise it took.

A slight noise cut into her thoughts as Clay pulled himself up to the second level. "Damn, I just got a sharp reminder from Tammy about a pack thing. You've got fifteen minutes to get ready or we'll be late. It's close to six already."

"I can't," Talin said, gesturing at the papers spread out on the table, papers she'd barely looked at since coming home. Guilt stabbed. "I have to see if I missed anyth - "

"I told you," Clay interrupted. "We're taking care of that. We've got people out there right now. I've tapped a Psy connection who might get us something very useful. But this dance, tonight, is important to the pack."

"I'm not part of DarkRiver." And she needed time to consider her next step. She didn't know how to be in a relationship, didn't know how to open herself up that much. "I'll be a stranger."

"No, you won't. You'll be with me." He stroked his fisted hand along her ponytail. "Please, Tally."