“I don’t want to race anymore.”
I said it aloud. I said the words I’d been thinking for months.
Lucas grinned. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
I nodded. “God, yes, that was really hard.”
“Why don’t you want to compete?” Cy asked.
“I’m done. I’ve… lost my nerve, I think. Or at least the drive.”
“That’s why you want me to spank you? To fill that void?” Cy shifted me in his lap. “You have control on the mountain. Complete control of the turns, the skis, the fucking mountain. Then you fall and it takes that from you. You what, want to give it to me, now?”
I frowned. What he said made sense. Why did I want to give my control to him, though? I’d been fighting my interest in them all along. I didn’t want to want them more than for just a fun time.
I shouldn’t have given it to him, but I wanted it. I need
ed it, it seemed.
Cy looked to Lucas.
“We want to be with you. Forever, doll,” Lucas said. “But you have to find your thing; you have to live your life. We’ll be beside you while you do it. If that’s ski racing, great. If it’s not, great. But you can’t lay over Cy’s lap to forget. You need to make yourself happy, whatever you decide.”
“That’s right,” Cy added. “I’ll spank your ass. Fuck it, and hopefully soon. But I won’t dominate you as a replacement.”
“So, you’re saying you think I should ski?”
Lucas shook his head. “I’m not saying one way or the other. You have to decide what’s right for you. Only for you. Quit for you, but don’t replace skiing with us.”
Was that what I’d been doing? Had I unintentionally been doing exactly what I’d tried to avoid?
“You can’t hide here like you have been,” Cy said.
“I’m not hiding!” I countered.
He just stared at me for a minute, then continued. “We won’t enable that. If you don’t want to compete anymore, that’s fine. But you need to go talk to your coach. End it.”
Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute.
“You won’t enable me?” I asked. “This week was supposed to be fun! To have sex with two hot guys. You weren’t enabling me, you were fucking me.”
Lucas perked up at that. “Fun? You think all we’re having is fun?” He ran a hand over his neck, clearly thinking this was much more than that.
“Yes, enabled,” Cy continued. Fuck, he was like a dog with a bone. “You didn’t connect with your parents, who, I would guess, want to know about how you’re feeling, what your plans are. Same goes with your coach. He’s been calling you all the time, wanting to know when you would get back to training. Even coming here to meet with you. You stalled him for a week to be with us. I’d say we enabled you.”
Lucas scowled at me.
I sputtered, stunned by what he was saying. “What’s wrong with wanting to be together, to have fun?” I countered. Hadn’t they wanted to be with me? They’d certainly seemed content fucking me. “People do it all the time.”
“To stall,” Cy added.
“To fuck,” I snapped, not liking this at all. He made it sound like I’d been using them.
“To stall,” he repeated.
I stood then, pointed at him.
“You’re one to talk. You’ve been avoiding your dad just as much as I’ve been avoiding talking to Mark. You used this week the same way I did.”