Down Jasper Lane (Amherst Island Trilogy)

Lucas raised his eyebrows in tender mockery. “Well, you know what I’ve always told you to do.”

Ellen gave a little laugh. “Who knows? Perhaps I will go to art school, one day.”

“You should. Don’t sell yourself short, Ellen, or what you’re capable of.”

Ellen smiled, her heart aching—breaking—with wanting to love Lucas. Wishing they could return to the farmhouse with happy news, with excitement and joy instead of this endless, aching sadness.

“I’ll walk you back to the house,” Lucas said.

He offered her his arm, and as Ellen slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow, she wondered if she should have accepted Lucas’ proposal. There wasn’t anything really wrong with safe, was there? Safety could surely be happiness.

Three days later Ellen started to pack for her trip to New Mexico. She folded her few dresses carefully in her valise, smoothing the fabric. Most of them were cut down from Rose’s, although she still had the rose wool that had been a Christmas present from Ruth, and the fancy new dress from Hamish, straight from the store.

The memory of Ruth’s quiet kindnesses brought a sting of tears to Ellen’s eyes. She hadn’t truly appreciated her aunt’s affection towards her, she saw now. She’d only seen the stern look, the harsh word, without pausing to consider what these might have hidden... or protected.

Ellen sighed. She wanted to put the past behind her, as much as she could without forgetting those who loved her. This was a new start, even if she wasn’t certain where precisely she was going.

“Hello, Ellen.”

Ellen turned in surprise. Jed stood in the doorway, his face scrubbed of the day’s dirt, his hair rumpled, his expression both anxious and uncertain.

“Jed!” His name came out as a little yelp of surprise, so astonished was she to see him in her little bedroom, filling up the small space with his presence and energy. He looked the same, she saw, wonderfully the same. His eyes glinted gray and his hair was as scruffy as always, as scruffy as it had been that day he’d come for her in the wagon, and her whole life had changed—had begun—

“I didn’t mean to startle you. Rose said to come on up, as you’re leaving on the morrow. I haven’t seen you all summer.”

“No, you haven’t,” Ellen agreed. She had not seen him all the two weeks she’d been back, and part of her had been relieved. Another part had been disappointed. She straightened a dress in her valise that had already been perfectly folded. Her cheeks were warm and she didn’t look at Jed.

“I was sorry to hear about your Aunt Ruth.”

Ellen nodded, still not looking at him. “Thank you.”

There was an awkward pause. Ellen risked looking up and saw Jed was staring at the floor as he twisted his cap between work-roughened fingers.

“Lucas told me you’re not going back to Kingston,” he finally said. “Will you stay here?”

“I shouldn’t think so.” Ellen finally felt able to meet his gaze directly. “I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I want to go somewhere. Be something. After all, there’s nothing for me here... is there?”

The silence, the heavy meaning, was palpable between them. Ellen hadn’t meant to issue such a direct challenge; it had come without warning. She gazed down at her valise, her words spilling out in a rush.

“Besides the McCaffertys, of course, and Jasper Lane... this will always be home to me.”

“Yes.” Jed was silent, gnawing his lip. He looked up. “Yes.” Another pause as he took a step forward. “Ellen, I never meant...”

“I’m leaving for New Mexico tomorrow,” Ellen cut across him. She could not bear to hear him explain how he’d never intended for her to have feelings for him. How wrong and silly she had been.

Jed stepped back. “New Mexico?”

“To visit my father. I haven’t seen him in six years. I suppose it’s time I did.”

“I reckon so.”

She stared down at her valise, willing the tears that were now stinging her eyes to recede. She was done with tears, or at least she wanted to be. Yet standing here with Jed so close made her ache all over again with what she wanted and could never have.

Suddenly she felt Jed’s hand on her shoulder, the weight of it heavy and warm. She stiffened under that touch, her whole body flooding with a sudden, dizzying awareness of how close he was and how much she wanted him to touch her.

“Ah, Ellen.” Jed pulled her into a hug, the kind of embrace he’d never given her before. Ellen instinctively put her arms around the solid strength of his shoulders, her cheek pressed against his chest. He smelled of hay and leather, of sunshine and soil. He smelled of Jed, and also of the island. She didn’t know why he was hugging her, whether it was comfort or farewell or something else. She knew it was most likely the only time he would ever hug her; she felt that in herself as well as in him, and so she pressed closer.

Then, his arms still around her, he pulled back just a little and touched her chin with his finger, his gray eyes seeming to bore straight into her soul. She realized her cheeks were wet with tears, and she didn’t care. Was he going to kiss her? He was close enough that he could. She wanted him to, even though she knew it would be wrong.