Rage and Ruin (The Harbinger 2)

“You’re welcome.”

His chuckle came through the speaker, and the next thing I knew, his hands were on mine. He tugged until my thighs were snug against his hips and my arms circled his waist. “You want to go fast?” he asked, and I thought his voice sounded deeper, rougher. The warmth in the center of my chest was burning brighter.

I looked around the driveway, unable to see much through the tinted face shield. “Sure.”

“Good.” His hand coasted over mine, where they were joined across his abdomen. “Hold on.”

The engine rumbled to life underneath us, a purr that traveled up my legs. I started to pull back, and then the bike was off, tearing down the driveway. I swallowed a shout of surprise.

Heart rate kicking up, I held on to Zayne as if my life depended on it. I kind of thought it did as the wind whipped around us, all sound drowned out by the roar of the engine. I hoped Zayne could see where he was going, because all I saw was a blur of darkness and speed.

Fear trickled through me, heightened when he hit a bend in the road, and I swore we tilted sideways as he sped through it, but as the bike straightened out and my heart slowed down, it reminded me of that night Zayne had helped me fly.

This was a lot like that.

The whipping wind. The feeling of weightlessness. The emptiness the speed and darkness brought along with them. Being on the back of his bike was freeing, and I wanted to enjoy it without the festering burn of guilt. Guilt I hadn’t felt over Faye, but that was threatening to swallow me now. Even though I hadn’t said it out loud and neither had Zayne, what was unspoken between us didn’t go away. No matter how freeing the wind tugging at me felt, it didn’t change the truth.

We’d lost sight of our purpose tonight. We’d lingered too long in that restaurant and even longer in that alley. The Harbinger had known it, and Morgan was a message that it knew what neither Zayne nor I wanted to acknowledge.

We’d messed up...and someone had died.

23

After pulling on a long tank top that doubled as a sleep shirt because it was too big to wear normally, I walked out of the bathroom and climbed under the covers. I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep, even though it was late and I was exhausted mentally and physically. I was too antsy, my mind occupied with a hundred different things,

Today had been at times wonderful and then terrible, and I’d experienced everything from apathy to horror. While that was a lot to deal with—what I’d done to Faye, how I’d felt at dinner with Zayne, and the grief and guilt surrounding the death of Morgan—I knew that Zayne was feeling a lot of these things, too.

I wanted to go to him, but I wasn’t sure if that was smart. My head lolled to the side, and I found myself staring at my mom’s old romance novel. I still couldn’t believe my father had been here without me knowing. I started nibbling on my thumbnail. Not that I didn’t appreciate the money, but it would’ve...it would’ve been good to have seen him. I had questions. Lots of them. We needed to know more about the Harbinger and why he’d spoken about it as if it would cause human destruction on an apocalyptic level. As far as we knew, it hadn’t attacked humans. I wanted him to confirm what I suspected about the spikes—that they were of angelic origin.

I turned off the bedside lamp and then scooted down, tugging the covers under my chin. When I closed my eyes, the first thought that entered my mind was, what if Zayne and I hadn’t gone to dinner? What if we hadn’t been distracted with one another in that alley?

Would Morgan still be alive? Or would he have been killed and then displayed somewhere else? There wasn’t a single part of me that doubted he’d been crucified as a message to us.

I’m right under your noses.

That’s what it said.

What I didn’t understand was, why hadn’t the Harbinger revealed itself? What was it trying to accomplish? It was like it was waiting, but for what, I had no idea.

A soft knock jarred me from my thoughts. My breath caught as I rose onto my elbow.

The door cracked open and a thin sliver of light appeared. “You awake?” Zayne asked.

“Yeah,” I answered. “You?”

The moment the word you came out of my mouth, I wondered if there were periods of time where my brain just did not function correctly.

Zayne didn’t point out the ridiculousness of my question. The door slid open, and I saw the outline of his body. A shiver of awareness rolled through me. “Want company?”

All common sense flatlined right there, in the dark. “Yeah,” I whispered.

Zayne stepped inside, closing the door partway. My heart was hammering as he crossed the dark room. He hesitated at the side of the bed, and then he was settling in beside me. I took a breath and tasted winter on the tip of my tongue.

Neither of us spoke for a long time.

Zayne broke the silence. “We messed up tonight.”

I closed my eyes. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Zayne had the courage to give voice to those words first. “I know.”

“But I don’t regret it. The dinner,” he added. “Any of what came after, in the alley.”

My head jerked in his direction and my eyes opened. “Nothing happened in the alley.”

“But it was going to.”

I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs as I stared at his shadowy profile.

“If we hadn’t heard the scream, something would’ve happened. Even after I said we shouldn’t be doing anything other than looking for the Harbinger, it was going to happen,” he continued. “You know that. I know that.”

Throat dry, I turned away. A huge part of me couldn’t believe he was speaking so openly. I didn’t know if I should be thrilled that he was acknowledging this or concerned because of where it could lead.

Heartache.

Because even if his words led somewhere, we couldn’t go anywhere, and even with my lack of experience, I knew that being physically attracted to someone didn’t mean everything or really anything.

But I owed him honesty. I owed it to myself, and in the dark, it was easier to go there. “I know.”

Then I heard the next breath Zayne took. It was heavy and full. “You’re under my skin and in my blood. I can’t get you out.”

Every single muscle in my body tensed. I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be like this if we hadn’t started it that night—if I hadn’t kissed you. Or maybe it would’ve eventually gotten to this point.” His voice was deeper, rougher, like it had been when we were on the motorcycle. “Because it isn’t just your taste that has me spinning in circles. It’s you. All of you. Not just the memory of how your mouth felt against mine, or what it was like to hold you like I did. It’s the way you talk and laugh, when you really laugh. It’s the way you fight and how you don’t back down.” He let out a low laugh. “Even when you fight me. When I’m sure you’re arguing with me just to argue. It’s all you.”

The latter part was totally not a surprise. I often did disagree with him just to be antagonistic, and I did secretly believe he enjoyed it. But the rest of what he said? My skin felt numb and yet hypersensitive.

“So, yeah,” he said. “I’m in a constant state of distraction, and we messed up tonight. It’s not your fault. I’m not saying that. I should know better. I should be able to do this...professionally.”

I found my voice. “It’s not just your fault, Zayne. I... I feel the same way. I just can’t say it as eloquently as you.” I gave a little shake of my head. “I’m distracted, too, and I know what my duty is. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. We messed up. Not you. We.”

“Then what do we do?”

“Maybe if we weren’t resisting it so much, it wouldn’t be a distraction,” I said, snorting.

“I was actually thinking that.”

“What?” My head snapped in his direction. “I was joking.”

“I wasn’t.”

In the darkness, I could feel his gaze on me. “You...you’re serious?”

“I am,” he answered, and those two little words blew me away. “I know we’re not supposed to, but that doesn’t change this.”

Oh God, it didn’t. No matter what I told myself over and over, it didn’t change. “You think...what? If we stop fighting our attraction, things will be easier?”

He shifted to face me. “Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But pretending this isn’t between us isn’t working. Tonight is evidence of that.”

I’d thought that caving in would make it so much worse, but my body and my heart were already way on board with his line of thinking. The numbness had vanished from my skin, which now tingled, and my limbs felt heavier.

“We can’t be together,” I whispered. “There are rules.”

“We don’t even know why they exist.”

“But they do.”

“Some rules exist only to control someone,” he said, his voice as quiet as mine. “I, more than anyone, know that.”

I guessed he was thinking about the rule that would’ve prevented him from pursuing Layla before Roth came into the picture. The rule that would prevent him from settling down with anyone other than another Warden.

“Some rules need to be broken.”

“Not these rules,” I told him, even as I rolled onto my side, leaving nothing but a few inches between us.

“Rules are broken every day.” His fingertips brushed my cheek, and when I jerked, it had nothing to do with me not seeing him move and everything to do with him touching me. “I’ve already broken more rules than I can count. This one surely cannot be any less favorable than working with demons.”

“You might have a point there.” My senses zeroed in on his fingers tracing the line of my jaw. Logic was still fighting to the surface. “But if we can’t risk your clan finding out about me, then how do we risk whatever consequence might come from this?”