“So I stayed away. And the more I stayed away, the more I justified it, and the harder and harsher I became. I’d backed myself into a corner and I tried not to care. And then I started on my career, and it felt so important to make something of myself, to justify all my choices all over again, and so I let work take up all my time and head space so then I didn’t have to think about you or Dad or any of it.”
“I’m sorry, for all of it.” It felt like the only thing she could say.
“Laurel, don’t be sorry.” Abby sounded fierce. “None of this is your fault. You were just a kid. You didn’t deserve any of it.”
“Neither did you.”
Abby shook her head. “I should have come back. When you were older, I could have explained something of what I’d been going through. But by then I felt too guilty and bitter and all the rest of it, and you’d stopped trying to reach out, and I let myself be angry about that because it was easier.”
“Oh, Abby.” A tear trickled down Laurel’s cheek. “I wish we’d had this conversation so much sooner.”
“I don’t know if I could have.” Abby took a sip of tea to steady herself. “I haven’t been in a good place for a long time, Laurel. Working way too hard, fuelling myself with alcohol and painkillers. The Oxycodone started nearly ten years ago. And even before then… I’ve battled eating disorders, depression, you name it, I feel like I’ve had it. Why I thought I could be a good mother to Zac, I have no idea.” She let out a wavering laugh as she shook her head.
“Zac is a great kid, Abby. That has to be down at least somewhat to you.”
“I got a message that he set fire to the chemistry lab?”
“It was a joke,” Laurel protested, and then let out a little laugh, amazed that she was actually defending that particular misdemeanour. “Honestly, though. He’s a good kid.”
“I know he is, and I love him to bits.” Abby shook her head. “I don’t know if he believes that, but I do. Even though I’ve been a workaholic mother who offloaded him to day care when he was only three months old.”
“Plenty of mums—”
“I went into it thinking I could finally get it right this time. I wanted a do over. This time I wouldn’t just walk away, and yet look where I am now.”
“But you weren’t my mum,” Laurel reminded her softly. “You’re only six years older than me. You should have never been put in that role.”
Abby made a face. “Tell that to Dad.”
“Have you ever?” Laurel asked, and Abby jerked upright in surprise.
“What—”
“When’s the last time you’ve spoken to him?”
She shook her head. “I don’t even know. Twenty years ago, at least.”
“That long?” Even though she knew their relationship had been fraught, Laurel hadn’t realised it was as bad as that. She’d at least talked to her sister over the years, if very sporadically.
“Not since uni.”
“And did you ever have it out? I mean, about how he left you to it?”
“No, not really. Not at all. I made a few comments back at the beginning, and he’d grumble that he had a lot of work, that he wasn’t good at that kind of stuff, whatever. I stopped trying.”
“Maybe you need to talk to him,” Laurel suggested. “Tell him how you’ve felt. Have some closure, if nothing else.”
“I can’t.” Abby looked stricken. “I wouldn’t even… I feel so guilty, Laurel. Still.”
“Maybe it would help.”
“You didn’t turn bitter,” Abby burst out. “You were left alone with him when you were just twelve. You had to do all the cooking and washing and the rest of it like I did. Why did you turn out so well?” She let out a wobbly laugh. “While I’m a basket case?”
“I don’t know if I turned out well or not,” Laurel admitted. She certainly had issues about commitment, which she hadn’t even realised until recently. Until Archie. “But, in any case, I didn’t have it nearly as hard as you did. I didn’t have a little sister to take care of, after all. Dad and I had loads of takeaways, and he did his own washing. We just sort of rubbed along together, really.”
Abby shook her head, a slow back and forth. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to him now.”
“But you could try,” Laurel persisted. “It really might help, and even if it didn’t, at least you’d made the effort. And Zac could meet his grandfather.”