As for all that God business--I don't think the real God has as bad a track record as you think. Sure, a lot of people have terrible lives, by some measure. But I can't think of anybody who's had it tougher than you. And look what you've become. You don't want to give God the credit because you don't think he exists. But if you're going to blame him for all the crap, kid, you got to give h
im credit for what grows from that fertilized soil.
What you said about Petra getting a real father for your kids. I know you weren't talking about yourself. But I have to say it, because it's true, and you deserve to hear it.
Bean, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of myself because I actually got to know you. I remember sitting there after you figured out what was really going on in the war against the Buggers. What do I do with this kid? We can't keep a secret from him.
What I decided was: I'll trust him.
You lived up to my trust. You exceeded it. You're a great soul. I looked up to you long before you got so tall.
You did ok.
The plebiscite was over in Russia and it joined the FPE. The Muslim League was broken up and the most belligerent nations had been subdued, for now. Armenia was safe.
Petra sent her army home on the same civilian trains that had brought them to Moscow.
It had taken a year.
During that time she missed her babies. But she couldn't bear to see them. She refused to let them be brought to her. She refused to take even a brief leave to see them.
Because she knew that when she came home, there would only be five of them. And the two she knew the best and therefore loved the best would not be there.
Because she knew that she would have to face the rest of her life without Bean.
So she kept herself busy--and there was no shortage of important work to do. She told herself--next week I'll take a leave and go home.
Then her father came to her and bulled his way past the aides and clerks that fenced her off from the outside world. Truth to tell, they were probably glad to see him and let him through. Because Petra was hell on wheels and terrified everybody around her.
Father came to her with an attitude of steel. "Get out of here," he said.
"What are you talking about?"
"Your mother and I lost half your childhood because they took you away. You're cheating yourself out of some of the sweetest time in the lives of your children. Why? What are you afraid of? The great soldier, and babies terrify you?"
"I don't want this conversation," she said. "I'm an adult. I make my own decisions."
"You don't grow out of being my daughter." Father said. Then he loomed over her, and for a moment she had a childish fear that he was going to...to...spank her.
All he did was put his arms around her and hug her. Tight.
"You're suffocating me, Papa."
"Then it's working."
"I mean it."
"If you have breath to argue with me, then I'm not done."
She laughed.
He let her out of the hug but still held her shoulders. "You wanted these children more than anything, and you were right. Now you want to avoid them because you think you can't bear the grief of the ones that aren't there. And I tell you, you're wrong. And I know. Because I was there for Stefan, during all the years you were gone. I didn't hide from him because I didn't have you."
"I know you're right," said Petra. "You think I'm stupid? I didn't decide not to see them. I just kept putting it off."
"Your mother and I have written to Peter, begging him to order you home. And all he said was, She'll come when she can't help it."
"You couldn't listen to him? He is the Hegemon of the whole world."