A man I definitely did not trust with my heart.
“You have to tell him, Emery,” Jess said gently.
I nodded. It wasn’t something I’d keep from him, no matter how much I was afraid of being permanently connected to someone who could hurt me so badly.
“Cooper has his number if you don’t.”
I shook my head frantically. “No. I’m not telling him over the phone. I’ll tell him if he ever comes back.”
“If? He is coming back … Do you want to tell me what happened between you?”
I did.
Once upon a time, Jess had trusted me with her story. So I told Jess everything.
I even told her about Tripp.
“You can understand why I don’t trust many people, Jess,” I whispered after I was done. “And something told me I could trust Jack. Right from the start. But I can’t. Every time I let my guard down around him … I just end up feeling stupid and used.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t think that’s Jack’s intention. He didn’t tell Cooper the details, but he mentioned that he felt he needed to give you space to think about what you really wanted. And I think he would be devastated if he thought you thought he’d used you.”
“Why is he talking to Cooper about this and not me? Whether he is using me or whether he just thinks I’m a child who needs to be coddled, neither makes me feel very good about him,” I said, hearing the bitterness in my voice.
She sighed heavily. “You’re right. He’s going about this the wrong way. But I know the way he looks at you. Even if it worried me … I liked that for you. And I do know he’s spent all his life trying to protect his sister and mom and Jamie from Ian and his brothers. It’s a habit he can’t break. He’s inadvertently hurt quite a few people to protect his family. It’s noble and sad at the same time.”
Jess was right. Jack would always put his family first. And how could I possibly find fault with that? I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame him for that. I couldn’t hate him for that.
I could hate him for not trusting me, for making decisions about us without discussing it with me, and for abandoning me.
And I could decide not to want to be with someone who would never put me first.
It’s what I wanted. Even if that was selfish. I wanted someone who would put me first because I intended to always put them first.
Just because Jack and I were having a baby didn’t mean I needed to give up hope of one day finding a man who would make me his entire world. Like how Jess was Cooper’s entire world. Like how Vaughn gazed at Bailey like she was miraculous. Like how Michael watched Dahlia as if he was afraid she might disappear.
I wanted what my friends had.
I wanted an epic love.
I wanted a piece of the legend of Hart’s Boardwalk.
“I never imagined raising my child alone,” I whispered.
“You won’t be alone. One, you’ll have me and the girls. We will be the best aunties ever.” Jess squeezed my hand and touched her belly with the other. “Plus, your little one will be my little one’s best friend.”
That thought made me grin, dispelling some of my sadness.
“And second, Jack is many things, but he won’t abandon his child.”
“I know.” I did know that. “But, Jess, I meant … I thought when this happened, I’d be in love and living with the father. It won’t be like that. Jack and I will never … we’re going to have to share custody.” Tears welled in my eyes again, and I was more than a little nauseated. “I’m sad. I’m sad that it’s happening like this. I can’t help it.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Jess pulled me to her again. “It will be all right. We’ll see you through this. I promise.”
I held on to Jess and that promise. I held on so tight.
Iris had been pestering me for weeks to come to dinner. While she was trying not to push about why I was so low, I think she’d put Jack’s absence and my mood together and come to her own conclusion. Now and then, she’d drop him into the conversation, as if trying to read my reaction to the mention of him.
I’d accepted her invitation because Ivy had promised she’d be there, and I thought maybe she’d take the heat off me. Of course, I’d made this promise before I knew I was pregnant. Having only found out a few hours ago, I really wanted to call it off, but I knew if I did, Iris would start pushing me to talk to her.