Oh, Bite Me (Guardians of the Deep 1)

Chapter 1

Nobody went roller skating anymore. At least not in Tempe, Arizona. Yet, here she was, waiting on a pair of old brown kicks with orange wheels. At one point they had probably been neon, but now they were the color of dirty pumpkin. Pumpkin reminded Penelope of Cinderella and nothing made her feel less like the Disney princess than the failed prince she had standing on her right.

I’m being a bitch. He’s a nice guy. I could grow to like him.

The truth was, she’d tried. She really had. When she’d visited the Happily Ever After Dating Agency, she’d known they’d set her up with someone magical…someone out-of-this-world. She’d imagined vanishing in a cloud of vampire smoke or howling her night away with a wolf shifter, but instead she’d been outfitted with a guy who looked like he’d stepped out of a cheesy seventies disco video. His shiny gold jacket had nearly blinded her the moment he came strutting through the rink’s front door.

At first, she’d laughed, and thought maybe he was an employee in charge of 70s Night Fridays. His chest hair peeked out of his jacket zipper which was pulled down way too low, and that unruly tuft of thick hair was in desperate need of trimming. It was like he was bear hugging Burt Reynolds beneath that jacket. The sunglasses he wore at night and the toothpick dangling from his lips seemed more like Halloween accessories than anything a guy might normally wear out of the house. When her date made his way toward her, she’d been almost a hundred percent sure he was going to breeze right past her, but then he stopped and said, “Hey toots, you Penny?”

Toots? Do people really say that nowadays? Did people ever say that?

It was that word, toots, that immediately flipped her bitch switch. She no longer felt the need to be nice to this douchebag. If she hadn’t gotten dolled up for her date, she would have left him there where he stood. Yet, she had, and she decided to go ahead and hang in there. She would take one for the team, as if there were an actual team. Like there was a group of her girlfriends sitting somewhere watching in front of a wall of monitors, cheering her on, and thanking God she was remaining on the date, so they wouldn’t have to fill in for her. Penny decided the best solution was to have some fun with this and pretend she was on one of those TV reality shows where she would only win the big bucks if she remained on the date.

Stay inside your head, Penny. You can do this. Deal with this guy and win the big bucks.

“I’m Penelope,” she said. “Penny.”

“Rico,” he replied. “You ready to do this?”

Do this? Are we about to set out on some 70s movie ending where we have to race an opposing couple around the rink to a soundtrack sung by Air Supply or Chicago? And of course, his name is Rico. Why would it be anything else?

Penny glanced up at the ceiling and looked over her shoulder to make sure there weren’t hidden cameras somewhere. This seemed way too concocted to be real. It had to be a joke.

“Let’s do it,” she replied, doing her best not to laugh.

Suzanne at the dating agency had said this guy’s name was Richard. Dick might’ve made sense, but Rico? Seriously? Penny wasn’t a bitch. She really wasn’t. She’d only wanted to find a guy who made her limbs flimsy. She wanted to be weak in the knees, but with Rico standing in front of her, she only felt them knock in dread. She wanted to feel her heart race with passion, but instead it did loop-de-loops in anxious frustration. She wished the date were over long before it began.

No way this is my happily ever after.

Rico’s paranormal secret was a complete mystery to her since he’d shown no ounce of extraordinary skills. If she had to guess, she’d say garden gnome. Yes, Rico could totally be a garden gnome.

Maybe if I kiss his cheek and leave him standing outside my apartment tonight, he’ll turn into one and stand guard out on the front lawn. Wait…he’s not a fucking gargoyle. Do gnomes even keep people safe? Or do they only make sure your carrots grow? What the hell do gnomes do?

Looking at his slicked back auburn hair, she thought he might possibly be a leprechaun. Leprechauns were paranormal, at least she was pretty sure about it. Did myths and legends count as paranormal? Besides, she’d specifically asked for a shifter. She’d seen enough movies, and shifters were always hot. Rico so didn’t fit that mold. Penny heard her inner voice whine as she mentally stomped her foot in protest. Rico was not the shifter she’d signed up for.

Once she had her skates laced up, her date took her by the hand and led her toward the wooden oval rink. She’d forgotten how difficult it was to stand in shoes with four wheels. And she’d thought heels in the city were tough.

“You’re doing great,” Rico said. “At this pace we should get around the rink before it closes.”

Oh hell no. Did he just…did he? Should I?

Penny had to look to her left to see if the guy was grinning or showing any other sign t

hat he was playfully picking on her. No smirk grew on his lips. In fact, she thought she saw the slightest semblance of annoyance, as if she were the only thing preventing him from sailing around the rink with the wind blowing back his hair. Annoyed, she pulled her hand away from his and wiped the sweat from his grip on her jeans.

“This is a bad idea,” she said.

“What is?” he asked. “You don’t like roller skating?”

“I love roller skating,” she shot back. “Or at least I did once upon a time. The date would be fine if the guy I was with wasn’t acting like a douche.”

“Ouch,” he replied. “That was a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“Whatever,” she said. “Let’s call it a night. You go speeding around in circles and I’ll beeline it for the parking lot. I think we’ll both be happier that way.”

As she said it, she made a mental note to call up Suzanne and tell her she’d never use her dating agency again. Penny was quite sure this was the end of the date until she grabbed the wall and turned to scoot herself back over to the cutout in the side of the wall that allowed her to escape to safety. That’s when Rico grabbed her arm.

“I know you aren’t planning to leave me out here by myself like this,” he said. “Not after I drove all the way here to meet you.”

“I drove all the way here too,” she snapped back. “And if you don’t take your hand off my arm…”

“Are you about to threaten me?” he interrupted her. “That might be a bad idea. You see…I have this other side of me.”