Welcome to E. Mayberry

He’d never said anything like that before. His flirting had always been so subtle that I couldn’t be sure it even existed. That or he was being sarcastic and I couldn’t tell if he meant it. This time I heard him loud and clear. He’d complimented me and he’d meant it.

I wanted to respond but I found myself looking up at him, staring into his eyes, waiting for whatever he might say next, hoping it would be anything but, “here are your discharge papers.”

“Sunshine,” he said. “You don’t belong in that apartment. I’ve been wanting to do something, to say something…to…invite you somewhere for a while now. I can’t really explain it. You just have to trust me. You belong there. Come with me.”

I didn’t really understand what he was saying. He wanted to invite me somewhere?

“Look, go home when you’re released, and pack some things. Pack only what you can’t live without. And I’ll pick you up at five o’clock.”

I found myself agreeing, nodding with each word, never really saying anything myself. I think I was in awe. He hadn’t explained himself at all and I didn’t understand what I’d agreed to. Scenes from Pretty Woman flashed through my head for some reason. Movie fairy tales didn’t happen in real life.

By four o’clock my bags were packed and I was sitting on my living room sofa in the dark. I had to pee but I refused to go to the bathroom. That’s where I’d slit my wrists. It’s where I tried to end my life. I felt like a stranger in my own home.”

As I talked of my attempted suicide, I glanced over at Detective Tension and saw that he’d gone soft. Good. A man can only stay hard for so long before he starts to think of nothing but relieving himself. I wanted him to hear my story before he did that.

But he did need to be at least slightly aroused so I put a finger to my neck and let it run up and down. It tickled and did the trick as Tension’s eyes were once again glued on me.

“The car ride to the community was oddly quiet. Dr. Bastian, who I’ll start referring to simply as Bastian, put a hand on my leg at one point and caressed it with his thumb. It was nice. We didn’t talk much at all. He told me once that I was going to love where he was taking me but tha

t was it. That was all. The rest of the ride was done in silence.

E. Mayberry…”

“Erotic Mayberry,” Tension interrupted,

“Yes, Erotic Mayberry. Have you ever seen it?”

“No. Not inside the gate anyway.”

“It’s charming,” I said.

“Yes,” Tension said. “A charming little neighborhood full of kinky secrets.”

“Nice,” I replied. “That should be the slogan maybe printed on T-shirts or mugs.”

“It’s not Disney World,” he said.

“You haven’t lived there.”

“Fair enough. So keep telling me about your arrival.”

“The sun was going down but it was still bright enough for me to see the sign: Welcome to E. Mayberry. I didn’t know what the “E” stood for at the time.”

“And if you did would you have still entered?”

“I would’ve gone anywhere Bastian asked me to, and he was only asking me to enter a quaint, cookie-cutter development with manicured lawns and nicely groomed gardens. It could’ve been worse.”

“Tell me more,” he said. “Tell me what I can’t see from an aerial view or in some bullshit homebuyer’s catalogue.”

“Oh you won’t find any catalogues for Erotic Mayberry,” I said.

“Tell me why,” he said.

I didn’t like how he pried but I was excited to share my experiences with someone.

“I’d never lived in a place like this. As we drove through the entrance arches, Bastian waved at the security guard who waved right back. Seconds through the gate I saw a beautiful blonde woman with her hair up in a bun, on her hands and knees working in her garden. She gave us a wave as we drove by. Bastian honked his horn at her.

A couple houses down, a raised garage door revealed an older guy with a bald head working on a motorcycle. Bastian honked at him too and he waved back.