Welcome to E. Mayberry

Golden shower: Also known as water sports, this is the act of urinating on a lover to give one or possibly both of you sexual pleasure.

Gooch: This is the area of a man’s body located between his penis and his scrotum. This can be a highly sensitive area on some men.

Pearl necklace: The act of ejaculating on a lover’s neck, giving them the appearance of wearing a white, beaded, pearl-like necklace.

Shocker: (aka shock her) This is the act of fingering the vagina with the index and middle fingers and at the same time inserting the pinky finger into the person’s anus.

Taint: This is the area of the male and female body located between the vagina and anus (women) or between the scrotum and anus (men).

Teabagging: The act of lowering the male scrotum into the female’s open mouth and then raising it, over and over, quite similar to the motion used when dipping an actual teabag into hot water.

Wheelbarrow: As the male is going at his lover from behind, aka doggy style, he lifts up the lover’s legs and holds her/him that way while the lover’s hands remain on the floor.

The one that had me laughing the hardest was the Woody Woodpecker, which I’ve had done to me several times, especially on screen, but I’d never realized it had a name. This is when you’re sucking a man’s balls and he keeps tapping his cock against your face or forehead as if to say, “Hello. The rest of me is up here awaiting your treasure trove of fun.”

Go back and re-read G-Spot and it’s clear a woman put this list together. Looking through the welcome letter one more time I was reminded that the woman in charge of the community, also known as the President of Erotic Mayberry’s Homeowner’s Association, was named Kendall. I wondered how she landed a job like that. Talk about having to screw your way to the top.

I set the cheat sheet down onto the bed and flipped to the next loose-leaf page in the envelope. This one was a weekly calendar. This place was so fucking organized that I knew without even looking there’d be a monthly calendar somewhere in the stack of papers. Here’s a quick glance at the weekly calendar. I should mention that ever single she

et in the envelope had the words “Subject to change” typed neatly at the bottom.

Sunday: Open Pool Play, Partner Swap Sunday

Monday: New Pet Training, HOA Meetings

Tuesday: Naughty Toga Parties, Topless Tuesdays

Wednesday: Naked Yoga

Thursday: Pets in the Park, Movies after Dark

Friday/Saturday: Community Center Parties, advance notice will be posted on all bulletin boards and placed in homeowners’ mailboxes when one is planned.

Saturday: Mandatory 69

The week was planned out with sensual activities. Erotic Mayberry was like a nudist colony with gratuitous sex included but you only went nude when the schedule called for it. The next page in the packet was a brief history of the neighborhood.

Turns out it was founded by a group of fifteen couples who wanted to escape the hustle and bustle of the maddening city. Apparently they all lived in the same apartment complex and were being evicted to make room for more office buildings. Together, they took the money they were offered for their building and bought a large piece of land, had it walled in, and built homes. Back then it was little more than a free-living hippie utopia. I imagine too much drugs led to total sexual free-for-alls, which then led to a few rules being added and here we go.

Kendall, the HOA President, is the direct descendent of one of the original owners, one of the last kids to be born inside the community.

What does that even mean, the last kid born inside the community? How are they preventing childbirth?

I decided I’d ask in the following day’s class. Surely they’d explain it.

After a nice hot shower, I climbed naked into bed, and pulled the blanket up over me. I loved the feel of the satin sheets on my bare skin and hoped Bastian would come home soon to make love to me. I’d seen so much sex that day that I thought I might go crazy. I hadn’t searched the house well so I wondered if my man had a hidden stash of sex toys somewhere saved for a special occasion.

A vibrator sounded nice. I thought about the vending machine at the plaza and considered tossing on some clothes and making a run over there for one of the “goodies.” Laziness got the best of me and I decided to watch TV instead. I grabbed the remote off the nightstand, turned on the TV, and flipped through channels. The usual junk filled the screen.

A talk show.

A depressing news story.

A reality show with a spoiled brat throwing a fit because she didn’t win a dance contest.

A cook-off.

A man fucking a woman in the ass.